10 yr old too shy

[noideawhattodoatall]

Hi,
I'm worried and sad for my ten year old son. He's always been painfully shy but seemed to generally cope OK in social situations and branch out with friends. We went to a party for a child his age - the whole class was invited. He didn't want to go. Not because he didn't like the child, but because he reckons he doesn't like parties. I said I would stay with him, as the invite was extended to parents and siblings.

At the party he just sat there twiddling his clothing, looking nervous and sad (like he was trying not to cry). Several children from his class tried to get him to join in but he refused. I have another child who is a few years younger. She is so outgoing - the total opposite. She was joining in with everything.

I wouldn't mind the fact that he wasn't joining in, if I thought he was happy to just sit and watch, but he wasn't, he was a bag of nerves and I felt for him.

I know he has confidence issues (he's ever so slightly overweight) and he does not run around or engage in typical child like behaviour. He is not confident enough to initiate a conversation with someone. He has a few really good friends (who were at the party), but because they were all running around and playing, he 'couldn't' join in.

He is a lovely, caring and sweet boy. He has never been any trouble for me and is well behaved at school. But he has become a very anxious, apologetic, shy boy. He is so worried how people portray him. I am careful never to make comparisons to him and his sister, and am always trying to boost him with confidence. He is due to go secondary school next year and I'm really worried how he will cope.

Just to note, I suspect he is dyslexic and suffers with dyspraxia. I think school is getting on top of him a bit too.

Does anyone have any experience here, of know where I can get some advice to help me help him? It really needs addressing now. He has no interests outside the house as he is not good at cycling, swimming or sports - which I suspect is due to dyspraxia .

Thank you

Hi noidea,

Perhaps if there are any more parties, you could offer to be the chauffeur for as many of his friends as possible, or even just one friend if he's happier with fewer people. That way, they'll be chatting on the way, getting excited perhaps, and he will have someone to walk into the party with - might this be less daunting for your DS?

Please don't take offence, but were you the only parent who stayed out of his group of close friends? Unlikely as you mentioned that the invitations were extended to siblings and parents. My DC would have hated me staying to a party at that age, and would have felt very self conscious - I've always been a huge embarrassment to my DC, whereas you probably aren't!

Your DS sounds lovely, and it must be a comfort that he's got some very good friends.. The weight can't help, and I'd try to get that sorted out before he goes to secondary school as otherwise it might become more of an issue and get out of hand.

I think if he's got no interests outside school, this needs to change or he may become more introverted. It doesn't have to be organised activities or sports clubs, what about making a real effort to have one or two of his friends round after school once a week and maybe a sleepover every couple of weeks?

Either that or maybe try to arrange him going to the cinema with a couple of close friends one weekend - again, you could chauffeur.

It's seems that the school have left it very late to be getting dyslexia and dyspraxia diagnosed - they really need to be getting a move with this.

Just a thought - he's not being bullied is he? I just get the impression that things have got worse recently.

Good luck - keep us posted!

Thank you so much for your response.

I only stayed because I am friends with the parent who child's party it was. There were others there too. He definitely wouldn't have stayed otherwise.

The chauffeur idea sounds good, and I'll give it a try, but I still suspect he will distance himself once there.

I am trying so hard with his weight. He doesn't tend to over eat and has a reasonably balance diet. But, he is not at all active. walks to and from school (slowly) and is not interest in any form of physical activity (he feels clumsy and tired). I would imagine the weight would fall off of him if he was to move more.

The school still will not acknowledge my concerns. It's pretty obvious to me that he suffers with dyslexia and dyspraxia, all the signs are there and all his class reports lead me to suspect he is, but I think it's all down to funding and therefore they are skirting around it. That's a whole other thread though!

I did think bullying, or up and coming SATs tests. But to be fair, the children in his class are lovely and have always appeared to like my son. He is amendment there is no bullying. But I guess he may be reluctant to say if he was.

I guess I will have to think of activities at the weekend to motivate him, but this will be hard!
Thanks again

My DD also seemed to lose confidence in Y6, and there was a definite change in her. In her case it was down to a specific teacher, I'm just wondering if it could be that? It's so hard when they're sad and unhappy, I remember that feeling.

Have you asked for advice in education? There'll be some teachers on there who are really clued-up on the dyslexic issue - they are failing him big time. The thought of your DS going through all the SATs without him receiving the support he should probably be entitled too...
Maybe if the school got their act together and set the wheels in motion and got him assessed, he could get some support, which might help with his confidence.

Do you think he might be iron deficient? It seems he has very little energy, but not as a result of being physically active, and in spite of having a balanced diet. His energy levels seem to be unusually low for a child of his age, and you mention that he feels very tired.

I'd be tempted to make an appointment to see the class teacher, and the senco, and the GP.

Good luck, I hope I haven't worried you xx