Do you and your dh/dp agree on parenting styles or are you very different?

[sandyballs]

I'm clashing with DH at the moment over our attitudes to raising our twin DDs who are 5. He feels I'm too soft with them and let them get away with too much, I think he's too hard and is constantly at them about trivial stuff.

I find that the "ignore the bad, praise the good" line generally works well with them, unless it's something serious which I obviously wouldn't ignore. He thinks they should just do as he says without question and can get quite irate and shouty when this doesn't work. In other ways he is a lovely dad - he adores them and spends a lot of time with them. They are great girls who are generally quite well behaved, if a little excitable and boisterous .

I feel this is gradually causing a lot of problems between us and we've always got on so well.

dh and I differ on little things.

I agree that ignore what won't kill them, let them sort out their own arguments unless it starts getting too bad or affecting others around them.

dh tends to back himself into a corner by saying unless they do so and so exactly as he wants them to then he will punish. No room for manouvre there at all. And of course the kids will push it to the limit just to check it out. Everyone ends up miserable.

dh also tends to overpunish imo. Punishments should be relative to the "crime".

I tend to use diversion tactics before things get too bad. Send older ones off to the park to play footie. Send them to play separetly in their rooms. Send them on errands. Split the kids between the parents for a couple of hours.

I feel that dh wants the kids to be like obedient well trained dogs. I hate to tell him - it ain't like that love!

Me and my partner are the exactly the same, sandyballs. The same way round too and we also have twins- boys though and a bit older (7). It does occasionally cause conflict because he thinks I'm being wishy washy and allowing bad behaviour or I think he's gone overboard/is acting out of his own grumpiness in the guise of correcting supposed bad behaviour. But we seem to have gradually got used to each other's different styles over the years and sometimes even borrow from each other.

I actually think that children very much need both of these sorts of approach from their parents. Ignore the bad praise the good is great for many things and "NO! HOW VERY DARE YOU? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW AND DO WHAT I ASKED." in loud strict voice is also needed every now and then, IMO. Either on its own would be inadequate, I think. And both "styles" need monitoring as it's easy to swing into being too laid back and permissive on the one hand or too strict and joyless and nitpicky on the other. So in many ways our sort of arrangement provides a perfect system of checks and balances, I reckon! And, ultimately, I think your girls are very lucky to have two parents who love them enough to worry about this sort of thing. Good luck in not letting dh's different style get to you though- v annoying when dhs don't fall into line, ime.

Thanks for your replies. That is exactly it Queen - just like obedient well behaved dogs, he'd love that!

Scumster - that's interesting and helpful. I think you might be right that a combination of the two is quite effective. You've made me look at it a bit differently, thank you.