please help me stop being a music nazi

[sibdoms]

My dd 7.5 is learning recorder and violin - both her choice - and I am having a NIGHTMARE supporting her practice. I am a music nazi and fear that I am removing any possibility of her gaining joy and fun through music by my music nazism. I was v musical as child - 2 grade 8 distinctions by 12 - and am a huge perfectionist and slavedriver. I know I am doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing to enhance her pleasure in music. I wish someone else could practise with her and I could just be the one that puts cool music on in the house, but our timetables mean that sadly the much more relaxed, and "unmusical" (he's not but didn't "achieve" like me) DP is not there. I hate myself after every practise and feel like the Dad in Shine.Any advice?

How long has she been playing? Is it possible for her to do some practices unsupervised?

DS2 (7) is learning piano, and is doing fabulously. I tend to work with him on his new pieces for the first couple of days (the weekend fortunately) to make sure he learns them correctly first time, but thereafter I encourage him to take responsibility for his practice, and I just keep a "gentle" watch. It is hard to step back and chill out sometimes, but I think it's important.

I also encourage him to "play for fun", once he's gone over his tutor book pieces and exercises for the week (to his satisfaction, not necessarily mine). He chooses to play scales and arpeggios "for fun", and his aunt bought him a piano repertoire book for his birthday - so he just plays those as extras because he wants to. I've also written simple arrangements for him to play of pieces they sing at school and church. I think lots of opportunities to sight-read and play music at a slightly less demanding level than the one they're working at, does really build up confidence and pleasure in playing: rather than it being a constant slog all the time.

As a result he usually chooses to play for about half an hour twice a day!

Oh I dream of this Roisin!He CHOOSES to play twice a day for half an hour? Yes, maybe I need to back right off and let her take responsibility for her own practice. But esp violin is very difficult - she needs constant encouragement as she has only been playing a couple of months, with several missed lessons - violin is very hard - so much to remember.And we always practice at the end of the day, when we are both ratty and stressed. I am seriously tempted to drop both instruments and let her start again when and if she becomes more motivated and can take responsibility for her practice herself - but would see this as a failure on my part........does noone else have music nazi issues? Really? Does everyone else's child just practice beautifully?Where am I going wrong????!!!!!! self pity emoticon.

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Don't practice with her. Let her do it herself. It is a hobby, not a future career - would you be bullying her if it was swimming, or tennis, or brownies? Back right off, or you risk turning her off music for life.

agree with kolditz, back off totally and let her do it on her own. remind her to practice but then go off and leave her to it while you do something else. And it's important to remember that you weren't always a brilliant musician either, you started somewhere and that somewhere would have been with practice and making mistakes and getting it wrong time and time again before you got it right. Your dd will be the same. If she wants to follow this through then she will, but if not then she'll give it up on her own. But let the decision be hers not yours.

If she's only just started then it is very hard going for them - and I agree violin is very difficult, (and very difficult to listen to as well). When ds2 started piano I insisted he play for 5 mins twice a day - non-negotiable: and he has just chosen to play for longer than that. I prefer the morning practice tbh - I'm not sure what the neighbours think though!

Will she have lessons over the summer holidays?
Maybe that would be a time to take stock a bit, ease right back and try and make it more fun.

I don't think that stopping lessons is necessarily a bad idea though. Ds2 wanted piano lessons for ages and it took us a year to find a teacher, so he was very motivated before he even started.

(Though I must admit I played violin for about 4 yrs, and it was never fun, and I don't think was every particularly pleasant to listen to. The least favourite of any instrument I play/played!)

There's some good advice here sibdomw - and I do feel that at 7.5 she could do some practice unsupervised.

Also, you had 2 Grade 8 distinctions by 12 - do you still play now? Do you enjoy it? I ask because you can't neccesarily judge musical worth and enjoyment by achievement in exams, I wonder if you are transferring some of that attitude to your daughter. And if you're not still playing and enjoying music, it rather begs the question of what use were the exams!

As a semi-professional musician (with, might I add NO Grade 8 distinctions to my name!)I do think it is really important not to turn practice into a horrible chore, otherwise you run the risk of turning her off music altogether by age 8. At her age, enjoyment is the thing, much better 5 mins a week that she's actually enjoyed than the full amount of practice when it's turned into a battleground.

I do worry that when/if DD learns an instrument I may become a pain in the arse - I will just try to remember how I learned and how my parents only ever gently hassled me.

Ds (7) has just started learning the cello properly, and I think they do need some support in practising. It was his choice to learn in the first place, but given the large amount of money I'm paying for the lessons, I do make him practise pretty much every day. Otherwise I might as well just burn fivers instead.

But our practice sessions aren't very heavy duty -- he works his way through whatever the teacher has written in his exercise book, I sometimes make him stop and go back over bits if he gets the timing badly wrong or plays wrong notes or wrong bows. He decides what order to play the pieces in, and once he's had a decent go at everything, had loads of praise and the pleasure of realising that he can do it better than the previous day, we stop. Usually no more than 10 mins per day. There is a lot to think about, but as with learning to read, a bit of a balancing act between accuracy and enjoyment.

Hi Sibdoms, there's already some great ideas here. Just wanted to add that I learned piano for about 6 years from 7ish to 13ish and my practice was NEVER supervised - both parents completely unmusical, couldn't read a note, which was why they wanted me to learn in the first place!

I was rubbish at practising, hated it and gave up piano as soon as they would let me. (I failed my grade 4 which was the last straw!) HOWEVER as an adult I really am grateful for the time I did it. So even if your daughter turns out not to be a natural talent like you, it's the experience that counts.

My parents tried to make me practice half an hour a day, which is an ETERNITY to a child, so I rebelled. My best friend's parents did what roisin suggests - just making her do 5 mins at a time. Much more bearable and she went on to get grade 8 in about 3 things (piano, flute and singing I think)!!

If you are still looking at this sibdoms you could look at some of the ideas on Practisespot.com

You could also support her by accompanying her (if you play piano) or jamming with her if you don't (using a pentatonic scale for instance).

You could also leave her to practise unsupervised for a period of time and then say she can give you a concert after this time.

Do you go to her lessons with her?

Thank you for all your responses. I've been offline for a few days.

I do still play and enjoy music.
I'm looking forward to the summer holidays when we can play in a more relaxed way.
Threebob, thank you, I'm going to go on that website, and try and instill 5 minutes practice every day. Do you do charts to reward this? Do you insist on practice in the summer holidays?