First birthday - is this normal?

[MsJupiterJones]

It's my PFB DS's first birthday on Sat. DH's family are coming over from abroad and we're having a party with family and friends on the day. I've been really looking forward to it and excited getting things ready.

In the last week I've been quite fragile and irritable, e.g. freaking out when I couldn't find something. I had a virus last week so thought it was just that but realised today it wasn't.

DH's family want to do something altogether tomorrow (Fri) which I was also looking forward to as a birthday outing for DS. However it turns out they and DH all want to go to a museum, which I think will be the equivalent of going to a shopping centre for DS. He doesn't understand about dinosaurs and fossils yet, he likes stuff that moves and has lots of bright colours. So I suggested something I thought he would enjoy, but no-one else wants to do that. I've been getting tied up in knots over it feeling really angry and anxious but I didn't know why.

I've also had several rows with my mum (who looks after DS 2 days a week), mainly because I feel like she is very critical of me and I feel stupid and useless next to her. It doesn't help that DS seems to prefer her! One row was about food (she won't feed him anything non-puréed) and the other was really stupid, about nothing really but partly precipitated by me feeling like she is still angry with me about the other row. I know.

Anyway I got to work this morning after this 2nd row and it suddenly hit me that all this upset is because I feel so emotional about the birthday, which of course is also the anniversary of quite a traumatic experience for me, which ended in a CS after a failed induction.

Once I realised this was why I was feeling so emotional, it was like the floodgates opened and I cried and cried - proper heaving sobs. Luckily no-one was around as it was the sort of crying you have to wait to end iykwim.

I don't know whether it is normal to feel like this around a first birthday, or if I am overreacting. I have had problems with anxiety and depression in the past and everyone was worried I would get PND but I didn't and have really enjoyed being a mum, I am still a worrier but within the normal range I think, until recently.

I'm sure it's also the pressure for everything to be 'perfect' for his birthday but I feel like memories of the birth is actually what is making me feel like this. The CS itself wasn't so bad but the week in hospital had quite an effect on me. I spoke a bit about it when there were some threads on here about birth experiences but the whole thing made me feel very vulnerable and has had repercussions emotionally and sexually.

Anyway I wanted to ask, does everyone feel like this on their baby's first birthday? Or should I be trying to address how I'm feeling?

Hi Op - sorrying your feeling so fragile just now. I don't think it's uncommon to feel a bit emotional around first birthdays but the emotions you've expressed sound a bit more than that and I think it might be helpful for you to explore further how you're feeling and maybe talk to someone about it - especially as it sounds as though you've not fully recovered from the birth yet (some women can take years to recover fully from a birth). Maybe contact your HV or GP and see if they can suggest anyone for you to talk to about it?

Re: the museum, just an aside to say that while your lo won't understand anything in the museum, ultimately it will be a big place, full of loads of people with space for him to toddle (if he can) or stare at folk and see different colours/shapes etc - he'll love it. When my DS1 was 12 months old we dragged him into harry corry's while we tried to find curtains, anyway turned out Harry Corry's is the best soft play area a 12 month old can find as we were there for 30 minutes playing peekabo in all the fake curtains they've set up, and letting him run down the big wide aisles with only soft furnishings either side, and benign staff smiling at how cute he was.

Anyway, just relaying the fabric store story to let you know that older babies/young toddlers can totally surprise you by what they enjoy :-D

I don't know if most people feel like it but DS will be one on Sunday, and all week i've been on edge. The weather is the same, the feelings are the same, the TV shows are the same...I keep thinking "This time last year..."

I had an awful labour - emotionally and physically. Probably not dealt with as well as i could because I had so wanted a home birth, and was put under a huge amount of emotional pressure to have an induction after a stupid decision by my Midwife was made. I vividly remember being at the hospital around 5pm, on a Thursday, late October, and feeling homesick, scared, and knowing that this situation was all wrong. I'm tearing up just thinking about it right now.

Anyway - sorry - no, i think it's pretty normal to feel something so strongly still, something as massive as giving birth. Even if it's a positive experience. It's a huge deal. I tend to think first birthday celebrations are more for the parents to raise a glass to what they've been through.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and the whole year, and happy birthday to your son on Saturday

Sorry I meant to say - I tend to think first birthday celebrations are more for the parents to raise a glass to what they've been through, and that's totally cool and valid.

I'm sorry you're feeling rough, OP - I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel pressured to make a fuss if you'd rather not. For me, the 1st birthday of DD was a time of increasing depression about having to leave my lovely baby and go back to work, and I knew she wouldn't remember anything anyway and would probably freak out if there was a big 'thing' and so it basically went unmarked. A decision I don't regret and as a consequence have never made a big deal about the others' first birthdays.

I had an EmCS after a failed induction and I know exactly how you feel. Have you spoken to someone about it? I had a de brief with a senior midwife about what happened and why so I could get my head around it. It happen so fast at the time and I was in a state of shock. I was offered counselling but refused because I felt that the de brief help me get my head around what happened and I was content with it. Have you been offered something similar? If not you can ask a HV.

I agree with you. I wouldn't take a one year old to a museum. I took my daughter to a petting zoo last week and am going to a sealife centre next week. I think they are better things to do. And don't feel inadequate. Older generations can't get their head around the feeding them solids thing. I just stuck to my guns and carried on. I do strict BLW and they came round eventually

Thank you all for replying, I really appreciate it.

Zebra and Miaow It is good to know I'm not alone but I'm sorry to hear you had such difficult experiences too. Zebra happy birthday to your DS for Sunday. What you said about 'this time last year' rings very true.

Eleth & MrsMartin thank you, I think you are right that I should try and speak to someone about all this.

Zuleika I think you're right; it is a bit late to cancel travel arrangements but I will try and have a quiet celebration with DH and DS separately to acknowledge the significance for us.

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and experiences. It seems my mum is now not speaking to me which is not helping - I wish she could understand that it is a difficult time.

You're definitely not alone, and it's really not something you can explain unless you've experienced it. Big hugs.

Not the same exactly but when ds was around 2 weeks old he suddenly became very ill & ended up being rushed from one hospital to the next by ambulance.

Ventilation intensive care the lot.

Awful horrible traumatic.
We spent New Year's Eve there the year before last. Dh was at home with the dds.

Ds is now fine made a full recovery & is happy as anything but I often think about it.

Last New Year's Eve I couldn't settle him so took him to a party with me around the corner.
Dh couldn't understand why I wanted to be with him & not take advantage of a child free night out but I couldn't do it.

Made no sense since I had been away from ds before & since.

Just that night I couldn't do it.
Motherhood is irrational!

I was really taken aback by how emotional I felt over Dd1 1st birthday. It really took me by surprise! I had a long birthing experience, was sore for weeks afterwards, struggled with breast feeding, had a colicky baby and a non sleeping older baby, had to go back to work quite early etc etc so think I was exhausted on top of it all. It has gotten better each year and now her birthday is about her excitement at being a year older rather than me remembering that awful first year! Really hope you can enjoy some of your little ones day and even if you don't he'll never remember anyway - future birthdays will be much more important. Really hope you feel better and stronger soon x