Please help. What am I doing wrong with 4 week old awake all night?

[workingtitle]

I'd appreciate any advice at all. For the past week or so I've been up roughly 12 - 6am with my nearly 4 week old. He is either grizzling and windy, just wide awake, or hungry, and I am finding it really really tough.
The health visitor said that he feeds too frequently and for too short a time (averaging every 1hr40 and 16 mins per feed according to the app I'm using) so not getting enough hind milk but I've no idea how to get him to feed for longer. I think because he's feeding so regularly he isn't getting sleepy.
We just had a tongue tie snipped and are using nipple shields. He gets windy and we are using infacol (no idea if it's helping). He was prem/ low birth weight so have been advised not to co-sleep, but I did manage two half hour naps with him in the night when we were lying down feeding. I keep lights low, don't talk much etc during the night. I am also expressing after every feed to empty the breast and sometimes DH will give him a bottle of EBM to give me some respite.
I'm trying to keep him well fed and awake in the day in the hope that he'll sleep better at night but he settles far better in the day.
Please does anyone have any advice? If I could get him to have bigger feeds he'd probably go longer between and actually get to a point where he is sleepy. Or any suggestions for helping him sleep at night in general? I am really at a loss.

Does he sleep at all in the day? Could he have his day and nights mixed up?

He sleeps much better in the day, happy to be in his cot or Moses basket. I try to keep him more awake in the day and feed him regularly.

I am trying to help distinguish day and night, light/noise and play/talk in the day , dim lights no talking at night, just started an evening bathtime.

workingtitle - I feel your pain. Our little boy put in a few 10pm to 7am awake stints in his first couple of weeks (went to sleep just as DS1 woke up - doh!) However, it does get better and it will settle down. Not sure about how to get him to eat more, DS1 fed every 1-2 hours for about 6 months, whereas DS2 settled into a 2.5-3 hour feeding pattern all by himself at a week - they truly are all individual.

As for windyness - it does get better, we used to be up for 1-2 hours everyfeed with DS2 tring to get his wind out, he still (at 5 months) possetts loads and has trapped wind, but the colicy stage passed at 3 months, we never used infacol this time as it had no impact on DS1 at all, but I know my friend found it useful for her kids (I think colic is just something you need to wing for 3 months!)

Does your little one fall asleep after a feed? If so, you can usually stroke their cheeks and they'll start suckling again. If he's coming off and he's awake, mabye try winding and then just offering the other boob each time and see if he'll take it? He's maybe ending his feeds when he gets wind?

For what it's worth DS1 only fed for 15-20 minutes at a time even when newborn (he was a guzzler) and it never did him any harm (he was up at 99th centile for weight) so I wouldnt' worry too much about that just now although if your baby was prem he maybe needs to be monitored more to make sure he piles on the pounds.

It's hard to hear I know, but it will get easier and the old keeping the lights dim thing etc does pay off, honest, so sounds like you're doing well, newborns are just hard work (especially when others go on and on about how well their baby sleeps!)

Thank you, eletheomel. It's reassuring to hear that some babies are just like this, although it's difficult to resign myself to this if it means so little sleep for me!
DS is putting on weight so he is obviously getting some hind milk from feeds at some point. I do try him back on the breast after winding but he really protests-/ he genuinely seems to only want short, frequent feeds. He also falls asleep after feeds duing the day.
At what age did things get a little easier for you?

I have to say i think the hardest thing about coping with this with DS1 wasnt' actually the tiredness but the expectations and constant (it seemed) criticism from everybody else about what he should be doing, compared to what he was actually doing (feeding to sleep, napping on me or in pram, not self-settling etc). I remember at 12 weeks we started an evening routine when his windyness seemed to have settled a bit and he put in a few 7 hour sleeps at night. From 2-3 months he had started sleeping 4-5 hour stretches.

DS2 fed every 2-3 hours day and night until week 9 when he randomly slept for 6 hours and he's been there or thereabouts since then (he's a much better sleeper than DS1 though).

The other thing to mention, which might help the windiness is block feeding, feeding from the same breast for 2-3 feeds at a time rather than alternating, this can make sure he's getting hind milk as the foremilk is quity runny and can exacerbate the wind. Keep an eye on your boobs though, you don't want them getting engorged, but could be somethign to try?

I don't think you can force a baby to breastfeed, if he's happy with 15 minute feeds and is ganing weight maybe he's just an efficient feeder?

Hoping that tiktok will come along to advise you in a bit but I would say don't get too caught up in the hind milk thing. My DD1 never fed for more than ten mins at that stage. She's little but fine and always gained weight, even if she was low on the percentiles. Dd2 is four weeks and feeds for much longer. She also sleeps better in the day than at night. I think this is just a phase we need to get through!

Do you have to wake her to feed in the day? I'm trying to do that if necessary in the hope of encouraging longer sleeping at might. Is kind of working....

You aren't doing anything wrong, You just have a 4 week old and that is what they do sometimes. It will get better but it is so so hard at the time.

Apart from gently slowly and gently establishing the difference between night and day, I'm not sure what you can do except get though it, lower your expectations, sleep whenever you can in the day, and stop stressing about precise timings- I would stop using the app as it just sounds as it it is making you anxious unnecessarily- if you feed on demand you can't really go wrong.

this all sounds perfectly normal to me! also, the 3-4 week mark is one of the well known growth spurts which if you have been having this problem for about a week or so, sounds about right (growth spurts can sometimes last that long). Also, the very frequent feeding sounds like a growth spurt too. It will pass don't worry. As for the HV, I wouldn't take any notice. If he's gaining weight with plenty of wet and dirty nappies then he's getting what he needs. Re: wind.....the bane of all parents of newborns! he will grow out of it...just hang in there

your doing nothing wrong, he is 4 weeks old and has no idea that day and night are different, he sleeps when he is tired and feeds when he is hungry. in time he will change.

Just try and grab some sleep when he does, what ever time of day or night that is.

DD is 9 weeks, gaining weight well and other than her first week has averaged between 6 and 8 minutes a feed since birth. Her average time between feeds has not been more than 2hr 10 in any week. She sleeps fine at night. Usually waking twice between 10pm and 6:30am.

Your HV is talking rubbish.

I have come to the conclusion that babies arrive how they are, and at the age of 4 weeks you have very little influence on their routine. He has a tiny tummy and needs to eat when hungry, and also needs to feed on demand. They don't have space for big feeds, and little and often is normal at this age.

I wouldn't bother expressing to empty the breast, though. They never really empty, anyway, or twins/triplets would starve! They just keep producing, and you're going to end up with huge supply if you do this. Your breasts adapt to the baby's suckling so it's nicely self-regulating.

It sounds like you're doing great. Or rather, your baby is doing great. You're going to be exhausted! But it is normal, and does pass.

Congrats on your new arrival. :)

You are not doing anything wrong. Dd1 was a early bird and was sleeping for good periods from 5 weeks dd2 however must be descended from Owls she would sleep for a couple of hours after a feed during the day but after the clock struck midnight she would take small amounts but had no interest whatsover in nodding off and I did nothing different with her. Luckily dd1 was at school so I slept during the day when dd2 did. Your HV is full of crap. As said above if your boy has wet nappies and isn't losing weight just carry on as you are.

Sorry it's taken so long to reply. I am really grateful for the responses, for those of you who have experienced similar and everyone saying it's nothing to worry about. I think I do need to relax about the feeding and go with how he is right now. It's just an adjustment but I'll try to sleep when I can in the day (not been good at doing that). So time to lower my expectations...
Beginnings, yes I do wake him to feed in the day, on the advice of a lactation consultant--she said that it might help with nights! Early on he was going too long on the day and getting more sleepy, he needs the calories to be more wakeful.

I think you're right to say there's not much I can do to get him to nurse for longer, and as he is gaining weight then I guess I don't need to worry about this too much. Block feeding off the same breast is a good idea, I can always express the other one to stop them becoming engorged. And maybe it is time to dump the app as loulou suggests, it is probably adding to my stress.

Feeling calmer about it tonight with my little night owl, will try to keep some perspective. Thank you all