what to do about my 7yr old daughter

[ladythatlunches]

Hello everyone,

I would very much appreciate some advice as im close to breaking point!

She is 7 a very bright clever girl. Very popular at school one of the top children in her class, always winning awards and outstanding reports.

Since the day she was born she has always been challenging. She was a very hard baby (she is our 2nd child) screamed morning noon and night. Never happy. Mine and dhs relationship came to breaking point as we were both at the end of our tethers with her.

As the years went on we both hoped she would improve but she didn't. Crying all the time, tantrums, wanting and demanding.

She is now a complete nightmare. I love this little girl to bits, constantly showered by affection, and out of all our 5 children she gets the most attention.

For instance if we go to the shops she will be the child on the floor screaming she wants this or that!

She doesn't listen to myself or husband she back chats, screams kicks, hangs off our legs, trashes the house.

We have sat down with all our children (well the ones old enough to understand) the rules in place, which our bad behaviour will be given warning then if continues a punishment will be given. Usually telly out of room, then sent to room, then grounded.

This falls on deaf ears with her, she will say she doesn't care, she will scream at me , she pulled out lounge curtains and poles down, kick the walls , say when we aren't looking she is going out (and does) she unlocks door and runs out, im chasing her and literally dragging her to her room while she screams and kicks , this will continue you till about 10/11 every night till she screams her self to sleep, after waking our little ones up numerous times in night.

I have been in tears, I can be calm with her, ive tried just cuddling her, screaming at her and this is still our everyday life.

Last night was horrendous hence seeking advice this morning, she went on till midnight last night, refused to go to bed , yet again trashed her room.

I have never hit any of my children ever but last night the thought of picking her up and throwing her out the door crossed my mind! Im so ashamed to admit that.

I can't go on likey this anymore Im exhausted and need help. Can anyone help? Suggest someone I could call? Or try.

Just to add I have taken her to doctors and health visitor few years ago and when she was a baby, but apparently she is a normal behaved child. I don't like comparing but my othery xhildren are nothing likey this at all.

I shall post a few places as im desperate. .

I have no experience of this but didn't want to read and run.
Someone with some proper advice will be along soon, I'm sure.

The only thing I can think of is to film her while she is at her most destructive/defiant to show the professionals and help your case.

Good idea thank you

How is she at school?

Can only sympathise. My dd is like this, as I am separated from her dad she has gone to live with him recently as I can not take it any more. She is now 11 btw.

Her behaviour was better for him in the beginning but she is starting her ways again with him from what I can see.

Sorry have no advice but marking my place as need help too.

I read 'Raising Your Spirited Child' and it helped me to cope better (after advice on here) with my challenging 7yo dd.

This week has been a nightmare though as I have worked loads and she has been tired. We have had terrible nights with her up and down, tantrums etc.

Despite being 7, we find that we have to be really regimented with food and sleep as tiredness and hunger are flashpoints.

I have come to realise too that often her awful behaviour is a sign of anxiety. She panics and her tantrums often end with 'I can't breathe'.

You mention in your OP that your dd gets the most attention of your dcs. Our 7yo also does, but often for the wrong reasons and we are working on this. We are trying to seize all the positives.

A back to basics sticker chart helped. The only target was 'going to bed without a fuss'.

Being ignored and left out is her most feared punishment and she actively ramps it up when she feels this way.

OP - it is tough and I am rambling now. Hope I have offered some help.

Ps: as she is fine at school (as my dd is) she won't have anything specific which can be assessed. Her good behaviour at school proves she can control it though - which is a good sign. She does know how to behave.

School Nurse? She took over from the HV when your DD turned 5? GP? Referral to a Community Paediatrician? Referral to CAMHS? Referral to Ed Pysch? Talk to the SENCO at her school? Does your feeder secondary school have a Community Link Worker?

It sounds more like something to be managed at home than school to me. The OP says she is an outstanding pupil.
She knows how to behave.

It could've a food intolerance-worth getting checked out x

You put up with this for 7 years, amazingly. You must have tonnes of patience and love .

It is not normal behaviour though. Time to get expert advice!

I'm a primary school teacher Iwas. We would offer a family support through all the channels I mentioned regardless of the child's behaviour at school.

So I am. So I understand that, but I think that changes need to start first at home. Resources are often over stretched and take time. Also as OP has stated that dd has glowing reports. So, may not want her discussed in a negative way at school. Her homelife is her private life too.

I mean so am I!!! Must be tired!!!

I find that odd. The OP says she is close to breaking point. These services are there to support families. If I set up a meeting between Mum and the School Nurse I wouldn't know the details as it would be an NHS matter.

The OP says she has 4? other children who are not a problem. This would indicate to me that the normal rules and sanctions are not working for this child.

A referral through the GP wouldn't involve the school at all.

Not that you're tired That's not odd! Just the joy of parenting, I'm sure

I am probably thinking about it from my dd's point of view rather than from a professional viewpoint. She is also very challenging at home, but well behaved at school. 'Normal' patenting (as in what works for her dsis) don't work for her. It had been a learning curve for us all and very hard, very, very hard at times. So I totally get where the OP is coming from.

It is just not something I would want to discuss with my GP and have on her medical record. I guess it is a personal thing. It is not something I would advise/advise against professionally. I would follow each parent/child's need.

You have my sympathy. I have a 6yr old who is is similar to this. A screamer from day one but manages to keep a lid on it at school.

I think it has to come down to whether you are coping or not. If you are coping with a challenging child then you don't need to discuss it. But, if you are at breaking point, then you need external help.

My brother was a very challenging child and my parents should've sought help in parenting him.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder?

Ladythatlunches - respect to you and DH for keeping it altogether. Somehow this will all get better and you'll look back on this time and realise that you need some sort of sainthood.

I know she's a star pupil, and you say she's confident at school, so she's definitely not being bullied can we assume? What does she say when you ask her why she behaves this way? Are there any of her siblings she's especially close to? Can't imagine managing all this and having 4 other DCs.

Are school aware of how bad her behaviour is at home?

I asked about how she was at school as my DS1 (also 7) sounds similar but he had had significant lapses at school when he has got angry (although he is very bright and is doing well academically), and as a result of the outbursts was referred to CAMHS for family therapy. This helped a bit as it gave us time to talk through all the issues, and I think he now realises more that his behaviour has consequences for us and for him. Might be worth speaking to GP to see if you can access this sort of help, but it was very time consuming (lots of time off work for me and DH) and even then we could only do it as we have a nanny who could bring DS1 to the sessions.

The fact that she can behave at school means she can control it, so i think need strict rules at home, where you follow through on when she doesn't stick to them. Need to set the rules together and they should be the same rules for all the children - go to bed when asked, keep room in acceptable state. Other children might get trip out to park / cinema but she has to stay at home with no TV. If she doesn't go to bed or trashes room them no TV the next day or misses out on treat that the others get. Or no playdate, or can't go to friends party. Whatever but need to be very firm with boundaries. TBH I think this might be very hard with 5 kids, I have three, and often I was at home with DS1 whilst DH took DD and DS2 out.

OP have you read anything about PDA? My son is very much like this and using PDA stratagies have helped greatly. Basically they are opposite to usual parenting strategies though so I would read about it (start at the national autistic society website) before trying the strategies suggested in this thread - for my son, things like stricter boundaries, reward charts and sanctions made his behaviour much worse. The basic issue in PDA is high anxiety which is characterised by a high need for control or else the anxiety increases and behaviour worsens.