11 Year old ds meltdown

[SalaciousCrumb]

Hi...I wasn't sure where to post this. My 11 year old ds has no interests aparts from playing minecraft and skyping his friends while playing the game. We spoke to him last night about using swear words he's picked such as mother f, it's broadcast into other peoples houses and other parents can see the messages, etc. He keeps having rows with one particular friend and his mum texted advising me check his messages from & she said her son is no longer allowed to have anything to do with him as he has been abusive. He's called his friend "effing' idiot." He's also said "F you to hell and back" to another boy amongst other things.

I angrily confronted him & told him he's now banned from skype as can't be trusted, badly done as I didn't even ask him what happened He had a complete meltdown, pushed dh, and hit me hard in the face and my lip is a bit swollen Unfortunately I slapped his face back (I'm so upset with myself) he said he knows I didn't hit him hard but he says I caught his eye - no damage done though. Then he spat at me; something he's done before after being confronted about swearing on skype.

We sent him to his room. He pulled out drawers, threw everything on the floor. He is refusing to take any responsibility for hitting me as he said I hit him back, but I have apologised. He won't apologise to me. He is very upset and won't tell me what happened on skype and is refusing to communicate.

We had an occupational therapist's report done a couple of weeks ago and she says he is dyspraxic; we became concerned as he is unable to ride a bike/scooter/cannot get the hang of tying shoelaces/tying a tie/handwriting for any length of time hurts his hand, etc. He can't cope with football/team games. he has co-ordination difficulties but his balance is fine so it's been difficult to spot. He suffers from low self-esteem.

It has been the first half term at secondary school and he also has difficulty sleeping. His tutor at school spoke highly of him at parents evening; no problems there and they can read his handwriting.

he refuses to intereact socially out of school apart from skyping friends and he won't be doing that anymore. He's been invited to a friend's house next week but he is refusing to stay for tea so at least that's something!

I am very upset and don't know how to give my son a life

Would be grateful for any advice.

Have a hug and a hand to hold.
Really can't offer you much in the way of advice but I'm sure someone helpful will be along with something useful soon.
In the mean time try to calm down as much as you can, it sounds like you've had a difficult night.
For what it's worth I trained a lovely lady who was dyspraxic who had some issues with impulse control, in her words her brain to mouth filter was broken and she couldn't understand why people were upset or offended by what she said. When I started working with her it took a lot of hard work to get her settled in as she struggled to understand body language and normal social cues. So it just strikes me that your ds may need support more with learning what's acceptable. When you've all calmed down could you talk to the ot about it?
I hope you are all able to get some sleep tonight.

What sort of support does the school offer you and DS in terms of counselling or ongoing guidance through the teen years?

You need to get a handle on all of this before he grows to his full height and develops some muscles.

Pushing for an apology immediately will only fuel the fire. He is in a temper in the 'fight' mode of our fight or flight response. You all need to calm down and have some space. An apology will come later.

How long is he spending on mine craft? What boundaries have you got about how long he plays on it?

It's concerning that his rage in being confronted led to him actually punching you. He needs to know how unacceptable it is but you need to both be very calm when you have that conversation. I expect you slapping him back was a shocked defensive reaction and he needs to understand that. Is there an older family member that he respects that could also talk to him?

Sorry to be blunt but you say his only interests are mine craft - what are YOU both doing to put other opportunities and experiences in his path to distract him ???

Thanks for replies. We made a mistake confronting him in the way we did when he was fired up

SecretFarleys I have no problem with you being blunt. Ds hates trying anything new and gets frightened.

I work in a library and introduce him to new books whenever I can, he's a great reader, but nowadays thinks books are a poor comparison to Minecraft.

He is good at creative writing but refuses to attend the school club ("ugh - writing!")

He had speaking parts in school plays & we had hopes he would go along to the school drama 'academy.' Sadly he dislikes the drama teacher and won't go.

Dh has online hobbies mainly (I think ds has absorbed that) but takes him out for country walks, but after he's finished work and been to the gym there isn't much time.

I'm ashamed to admit we have let him on minecraft and skype too much. About 2.5 hours every day. I tell him to get off when tea's ready about 6pm then homework & we play a memory game at the moment (but have to be careful here as he has meltdowns over board games).

mathanxiety we employed a private OT she is going to see the school next week as her report showed he has co-ordination problems which is why he hates team games/problems with cutting/writing (but it's legible) and why he cannot ride a bike or scooter. His primary school had no concerns about him.

He's at a new secondary school and his tutor spoke highly of him. He copes OK academically and they can read his writing. The OT has given him exercises to do (thumb wrestling) as he has hypermobility in his thumbs.

"wickedwith" thank you for your kind words. I cried when I read them and I don't know how dyspraxia affects his behaviour. He went through a phase of self-harming (banging his head) in year 6 and we got a referral to CAMHS but heard nothing since the initial chat with a psychologist. She suggested we get an assessment for dyspraxia as I told her he had low self esteem as cannot do many things his peers can do (riding a bike etc). Spent a lot of money on the report too as now he's started secondary school can't wait months for the nhs).

I really appreciate your replies.

So, as far as I can see your DS has no physical hobbies at all? If his balance is fine then there are plenty of options besides bike riding etc.

As your DH seems to be the only one in the family with any physical hobbies can he not start by taking DS to the gym with him?

Then what about a dance (or even martial-art type of thing like capoeira), ice/roller-skating (only controlling own legs so may be easier than a bike?), orienteering (scouts? woodcraft?) or other not-necessarily-competitive activity? Would give him an outlet for his energy/aggression (and unlike the on-line stuff not fuel it) and also help with the self-esteem as no teams not to be picked for etc.

Depending on if he is classified as disabled now (in which case contact the RDA)/if you are wealthy in a town/rural enough to have access to horse care and riding could be an option that will teach him patience. Either traditional lessons or even some of the horse-therapy sessions depending on his abilities.

What do/did you like doing besides reading? Does he have any older siblings/cousins etc who could introduce him to their hobbies?

Thank you new jewels great suggestions. I am a runner but he. Shows no interest in it. I've had to work full time for a few weeks so everything has slipped. Dh goes to a work gym straight after work. I will look at the local leisure centre they have sessions for kids from age 11 he wouldn't go on his own though.

I agree he needs physical outlets.

Can't link on my phone but if you Google social and emotional aspects of dyspraxia you'll find quite a bit of information.
Hope you've had a calmer day today.

Thanks Wicked, I have 2 work Saturdays ds& dd have been at my mum's. He has been withdrawn with us, hiding away. I told him that I made a mistake not asking him what happened & care about him very much. He joined us in the living room for the evening. Have to try to start moving forwards tomorrow.

Our OT said in her experience emotional difficulties like this (emailed her) aren't a symptom of dyspraxia but his frustration may drive him to it.

I hope the lady at your work is getting on ok. I have wondered if I may be dyspraxic, not so bad now but I used to be very clumsy & struggled to learn how to drive a car!

I was thinking more of social/emotional support than an OT and help with the physical end of things (though of course frustration can contribute to social and emotional difficulties).

Maybe try to go back on the CAMHS route? Even if frustration arises from the dyspraxia, there are better ways of dealing with it.

The lady I worked with did really well. She passed her training with flying colours once the right support was in place, she's now quite how up in her current job. She got married last year and has started up a group to help those with hidden disabilities in the workplace.