Stuck in endless cycle of tiredness and eating issues with DS2. Don't know what to do.

[attheendoftheendofmytether]

Sorry this will be long.

DS2 has always been poor eater. He has a very small appetite and has a very narrow range of bland foods.. I make one meal for everyone and really try not to make a fuss, although don't always succeed. He catches every cold-type bug that's going, is as pale as a child can be and gets very tired - all of which point to a need to ensure he's getting enough nutrition.

Since starting reception he is more exhausted than ever and extra emotional (he loves school tho), melting down at the drop of a hat so I need to get him into bed, but he also needs to eat and I'm finding every day is ending in a hysterical 2 hours and ending with him in tears, and me losing my temper. Its horrible.

This is a typical day.

Breakfast - wakes very hungry but eats one Weetabix, 1-2 bites of a small banana, sips orange juice or water. This is the only breakfast he'll eat in the timeframe needed for getting to school.

Snack at school - piece of cheese or just under 1/2 slice bread/butter

Lunch - slice of malt loaf or 2 mini sausages plus a nibble of a cheese sandwich or cream cracker. Fruit comes home uneaten.

Afterschool snack - couple of breadsticks or more malt loaf or a biscuit or small cake if we have them.

DINNER - the problems begin. I usually serve dinner 5.15 (as early as I can get due to DC1s activities). If its one of the 2 meals he really enjoys he sits and eats a reasonable portion. If its anything else, even if its something he tolerates and nibbles, we can be at the table for an hour. In that time he'll have eaten a miniscule amount, he'll have spent some time under the radar while I chat to other DCs, gone to the toilet, made a picture with his food, sang a song, had a tantrum about DS1 looking at him the wrong way, told me about his day, pondered the meaning of life etc.

What do I do at this point? He's getting more and more tired by now and less inclined to eat and starting to get tearful. I am totally torn between doing everything I can to get him to eat - which ends in a complete and total meltdown or calling it a day and getting him to bed even if he has only eaten some ketchup.

Eg today I tried the first option. he had eaten 3 chips and I asked him to eat his peas (a vegetable he does usually eat eventually), so we had loads of messing around, fiddling with one pea, dropping it on the floor, chasing it around the floor, an invented fiasco over the ketchup bottle. I told him if he didn't eat them he would end up missing his bath and story because we were running out of time - ie natural consequences. He carried on chewing one pea for ages. I got up, calmly took baby DD up for her bath while he was shrieking downstairs. After he'd been at the table for 1 hr 20 mins (I know, I know) he came upstairs sobbing and had a full blown shrieking, hitting meltdown, trying to bite me. He'd lost the plot. I put him straight to bed with cuddles but no bath or story and he crashed out immediately.

For all that he still didn't eat more than 3 chips. No chicken, no peas.

Tomorrow he will wake grumpy and emotional, probably because he's hungry and so the cycle begins again with no increase in his breakfast to compensate.

If he was a robust child I'd feel confident riding out the storm and prioritising sleep, but he's not at all.

This isn't really about knowing what to feed him, I'm a good cook and have 2 other good eaters. I know he needs more protein, fruit and veg and this is offered constantly.

Where should I turn, are there possible reasons for his appetite issues? What approach would you take? I feel he's just thoroughly miserable at the moment. Tired, hungry, feeling under pressure because his siblings love food and eat with gusto and I'm getting cross much more often than I'd like now but do I really just let him eat so poorly while he's so tired and under the weather?

Sorry this was epic.

Ok I have a poor eater but he is only 2.5yrs. I give him a daily vitamin, the supermarket own brands are fine and include iron. Sometimes I give him omega 3 too. Like you said and I also believe if they're not eating a good range of foods, they will be lacking and more likely to pick up every bug going. Giving my ds a daily multivit takes the pressure off and anxiety down.

Make a list of what he likes, according to the three main food groups, are they healthy? Of course some won't be, that's ok. Offer his familiar foods he likes with a new food every now and then. I try to concentrate on giving my ds high calorie and high fat foods so that the little he does eat will sustain him. There absolutely no danger of him being overweight I hasten to add! My hv did say that when you have a child like this, the rules around healthy eating have to go out of the window somewhat.

Theres a program called mini-mend, for children with food issues, it might be worth checking if theres one in your area.

Take him to the GP and rule out an underlying cause such as coeliac or intolerances or anaemia because that would be my immediate suspicion.

Have you spoken to the medical profession?

How often does he poo and is it soft ? If he is blocked up he will not want to eat. Sorry if tmi but constipation is a big cause of poor appetite.

Threadworms can also cause poor appetite. Hard to detect usually you spot poor sleep or bum itching occasionally seen in poop but not always.

There's a book called 'My child won't eat', by Carlos Gonzales.

It's absolutely brilliant and helped DD so much. I can't recommend it enough.

Good luck - I know how stressful it can be when they eat so little.

You need a doctor. Sounds like he may be anaemic or have other problems. Rule those out first, then you could always ask for a paed dietician referral too.

I'd say you're worrying about the wrong things. Focus on carbs and protein for now with fats too and add a multivitamin.

Hi there, I'm a GP and I also have ds1 with eating difficulties, due to severe reflux as a baby. He is now 4.9yo and has a very limited diet - no veg apart from raw carrot sticks, and we basically keep Captain Bird's Eye in business as he won't eat any of my lovingly homecooked meals. Low iron and anaemia is very underdiagnosed in young children, and if your ds is pale and gets tired easily he almost certainly has this. My ds1 intermittently requires iron medicine. Go and have a chat to your GP and explain that he gets tired easily and has a limited diet, and they may either want to check his iron levels or give him a trial of iron medicine to see if that improves him. He would also benefit from some vitamin supplements. My ds1 is on Dalivit, on prescription. Your GP could prescribe one or you can buy some vitamins for children over the counter if you talk to the pharmacist. If he gets a lot of colds during the Winter there is now excellent evidence to show that giving children zinc supplements during the Winter months can reduce the incidence of them getting colds by 62% - well worth considering. And ask your GP for a dietician referral - it is so helpful to get specialist input as it helps relieve the stress and anxiety of your child not eating. Try not to force him to eat, however frustrated and anxious you feel, because it is important that he doesn't find eating stressful. I can recommend an excellent book called "Just Take a Bite", which helps differentiate between fussy children, resistant eaters and food phobia, and advice on how to manage them. There is also a "resistant eaters support thread" on MN if you search for it. You're not alone! All the best and sending you a hug - children not eating is very stressful, I know. x

Hi OP, my ds has also been a resistent/fussy eater for as long as I can remember, so I too know how stressful it can be. As pp's have suggested, prob best to rule out any medical issues first, if all ok it may just be a case of addressing how you do mealtimes.

'My child wont eat' is mentioned further up the thread. I read this & to be honest didnt really like the condescending tone the writer uses (assuming all mothers force their children to eat) & found it most relevant to babies/younger toddlers. It does however, convey one very important message: your responsibility is to provide nutritious for your child, it is up to him whether he eats it. The book doesnt claim to make your child eat more, but aims more to adjust your expectation of how much he needs & to help you let go of some of the stress surrounding mealtimes.

I've really found the best thing to do at mealtimes is to not comment whatsoever on what he eats, dont negotiate at all, talk about other things & just leave the food there for a reasonable amount of time, 30mins is plenty, then clear the plates. Offer fruit as pud regardless of whether he ate his main, again with no comment. It will take time but if he feels no pressure to eat, he will ultimately relax & may in time eat a little more or try new foods.

Another thing I've found really helpful is to put the food in serving dishes at the table & allow ds to choose which items he wants to eat, rather than plating it up before we sit down. Sometimes he eats only one thing & although I feel like rolling my eyes I keep telling myself evetually he will eat that veg/meat/whatever. On the whole he eats well if we serve food at the table & is finally starting to accept some veg being on his plate (though we've not progressed to eating it yet).

Finally I try to keep his portions small & remember although it looks like he's hardly eaten anything, he's probably had enough i.e. what he needs.

We're not out of the woods yet, his diet is still very limited but I just try not to stress about it anymore. Hth.x