Feel like a crappy Mummy

[Mum157]

I have 2 beautiful children, a 29 month old girl and a 13 month old boy, who I adore and love. Since going on maternity leave when I was pregnant with my DD, I have not returned to work and am now a full-time Mummy/housewife. Despite my love for my children, I am REALLY bored of looking after them and find it such a chore that I don't actually get much pleasure out of it at all.

Is this normal? I feel like all my Mummy-friends are having fun with their babies, doing craft or taking them to loads of different activities and I'm just trying to get through the day with mine before it's bedtime again and I can have a few hours off! Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

I struggle to go to groups because they're often not suitable for the 2 children of different ages and I don't have any friends within walking distance to visit or do playdates with. Each time I try to do something different with them (painting or something), it ends it disaster with paint everywhere but on the paper and they don't seem to enjoy it anyway.

I'm worried that I'm not doing enough to help them develop (my DD isn't speaking nearly as well as her peers) or to have fun, and because I'm finding it all so tedious, I get into real slumps where it's harder to motivate myself to try new things with them.

I'm desperate to go back to work, but my salary wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, so I'm stuck like this for at least another year.

Has anyone else experienced any of these feelings or am I just being a crap Mum and I need to pull my finger out of my ar$e and get on with?

I realise that I sound really ungrateful, given that I have 2 healthy, happy children and can (just about) afford not to work, and that makes me feel even worse! Help!

No you're not a crap mum. You are probably tired and stressed to hell trying to occupy 2 children with different needs and abilities. A lot of the mums you think are sailing through it all stress free probably only have one child or are very very good at making it look like it all comes naturally and is endless fun!!! In my experience a lot, if not most or all mums struggle at different stages and all feel exactly like you do. I have a 21 month old and a 6 year old. When I have them separately I feel like supermum but when they're both together with me and DH is at work I feel so crap! It's so hard trying to balance the needs of both of them and feeling torn constantly. It's not you, it's them!

And I relate to the painting experiences too! Last time we tried painting here was in the summer holidays. It ended with me shouting at DS1 for wanting me to do it all and DS2 crying because he didn't want to have his hands washed afterwards. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I bother.

But it is hard, much harder than any job! I have one 18 month old and go to work 3 days for a break. I try all the craft malarkey and the classes and she couldn't give a toss. Today I've found out I'm pregnant with no2 and know this means and end to work and that terrifies me. Don't be fooled by those mums who want everyone to think they're supermum, we are all hamsters stuck in the wheel til bedtime :)

That sounds like incredible hard work to me, you don't know my mum friends they aren't all under the impression that it's lots of fun all the time! Can you try and get out to a few more events, help the time pass til you go back to work? Don't feel bad, small children are tiring as well as lovely.

God no! You're not crap at all! Looking after small children is bloody hard work and tbh I think you're at the really difficult stages with both of them! I remember those days really well. If I wasn't so exhausted as DS3 is the hungriest baby on earth and still wanting massive feeds at 2am despite being bloody 9 months old, then I'd post more useful stuff. Please don't be down on yourself, I love my 3 more than anything but it can be incredibly hard work! Have some and

If you're crap, so am I. 11 months and 2.8 yo here and it's hard. And I'm scared of winter!

Hi it is very hard! I have not worked now for 5 years since having my 2nd and 3rd dc and I can honestly say I have only got used to it around 18 months ago!! I still have wobbles and was constantly going from loving it to absolutely hating it!
It's lonely can be boring and I feel I constantly have to clean up!
Once my Dp gets in I usually can't stop talking and when people asked me what I work as I was embarrassed and felt rubbish that I didn't have a job and just looked after kids!!!
But then I think of all the good thing about it and it's so worth it!

You don't sound like a crap mummy to me. I only have a nearly-12-month -old and I find it difficult! You sound like you care an awful lot and want the best for them, but they do sound like they're at such opposing ages! That's so hard!

My only ideas for help - and I might be way off because I'm still very new to this whole parenting lark, and only just dipping my toe in teachy-stuff and developmental-stuff - is to look at things like Play England and The Imagination Tree - they're both on FB and have TONS of idea for simple games indoor and out, and making stuff that's dead easy that might entertain both children? For both of them there's a focus on play and learning so it might alleviate your worries about DD's speech, though I am sure it is fine! I know it's getting colder but games learning about nature - the changing of seasons, the leaves coming down from the trees, learning the names of the trees, acorn and conker collecting and getting you DD to name stuff while DS just gamboles about might be good for a few days here and there?

But ultimately, you're not a crap mum - it's just HARD!

Thanks :)

Probably not great that I was crying in kitchen reading your replies! Really need to get out of this current slump, as I'm finding that I'm dreading dh leaving for work and the prospect of another day with just me and the kids. Plus, he's going away on a couple of 5-day business trips over the next month, which I'm also dreading!

Notfastmainlyfurious - Congratulations, btw! x

I live in SE London I've noticed recently that there's been a few local FB pages set up by local parents wanting to organise meet ups, play dates, share info about toddler groups etc. Maybe that's something to look into? Also try mumsnet local. When mine were at that really relentless stage, I found children's centres were brilliant.

One of those "I could have posted that" moments. DS2 is a breeze really but DS1 is 2.5, he's just giving up his daytime nap (nooooooooo) and DH is away for work a lot. My worst problem is loneliness, like you say no friends in walking distance and I've never really been one with the clique of girly friends (why? why? thought I was so clever with all my nerdy bloke mates, now they're all in busy jobs and I'm lucky if I see them once a year.)

I'm thinking hard about how to fix this, all I can think of is to move to a more friendly area... I feel pretty glum most days...

sorry not much help, but you're not alone

If you go onto Mumsnet Local for your area, see what's happening in your neck of the woods. Try and post there (it's a different name than you use on here so nice and discreet) be upfront say you're tearing your hair out and anyone in a 3 mile radius able to meet up somewhere?

Is there a leisure centre/swimming pool near you that has a creche?

You're not a crap Mum. I think what you could change is stop trying to find things that suit both your DCs. You need to join some clubs for your DD. Your DS doesn't need to go to anything at that age. Concentrate on what would work for your DD and your DS will slot in. I would start doing that now because as soon as your DS learns to walk steadily on his feet he won't want to stay in his pushchair and that's when the real work starts. It's far easier juggling a 13 month rather than a 20 month old DS when you have another DC.

Am I the only person who is going to say don't think that YOUR income has to cover childcare? Its a shared cost AND its about the long term. Go back if you want to. I love my job, although its quite hard juggling.

Your definitely not crap.... Does anyone actually enjoy painting with toddlers??! Anyone, nope no show of hands

Mine are 25 & 11 months & my saviour of sanity is the church playgroups, I have a couple nearby all very cheap, I take them there on a morning, home for lunch & a snooze in the afternoon. When I catch up on the jobs (watch telly/drink tea/spray a bit of polish round before my DH comes home)

Exactly what I was going to say Alanna!

It is not your responsibility to cover the childcare costs. That should be split between you and your dh.

Thanks so much - makes me feel a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one finding it tough!

I know that I'm not 100% responsible for the childcare costs, but we don't have a lot of spare cash, so it makes no sense for me to go back to work if we're going to be worse off for it.

I'll be looking online and trying to find groups in my local area.

Half way through the week of DH being away for work and coping well, so feeling a bit better about life!

x

I used to feel like that. I distinctly remember the hours of 5-7 seeming to stretch a year! I work part time now and feel like a bad mummy because I'm not there at dinner, bath and bed time. It's a no-win situation for me!

Have you tried painting with water? Sounds lame but still works well. Also, magic painting books:
Check this out on AMZN: 10 x Magic painting book amazon.co.uk/dp/1851284060

I know that this isn't the answer to all of your frustrations, but it might help with ... the painting.

Also, find out about your local Sure Start Centre. Lots of free local activities (incl a crèche so that you can breathe for an hour) and so much support available there. Was a lifesaver for me!

Check out your local NCT activities in your area on their website and if you volunteer you meet lots of people in the same situation and you can do as little as an hour a week.

Check out what is going on at your local village halls aswell as they normally have a toddler group too but not necessarily well advertised on the web.

I aim to have a "getting out of the house" most days. And if I can't face it when dh goes away with work I go to visit dm for a few days

But by 4 i'm waiting for dh to walk in the door. He's never home before 6...

i have a similar age gap with my first 2, its hard in the beginning but in a very short time they'll both be much more able and interactive with each other, once they started playing together it was much easier and once they're abit older its easier to do activites like painting/play-doh etc because they don't eat it!

Good call mummy of year mite check out the magic painting meself!
mum157 I wouldn't get too hung up on the developmental side of things, I hate when my friends get all comparey with their kids like its validation to their fantastic parenting that their kid can do something else, Im a nanny and I used to be a nursery nurse, and I know it sounds like I might be a sherker and should take my job more seriously but we can allow our children to develop they dont need pushing to milestones as much as we seem to think. Activities are cool and everything they brighten up your day and kids can practice new skillls through them but I've never met a kid with no special needs who went to school unable to walk, talk or use the bog and there are worse parents in the world than the ones who just dont enjoy it that much, there are neglectful parents (no food in the cupboards/ Jeremy Kyle types) and their kids get there too. Some of the children with the biggest vocabs just watch alot of cbeebies!
I read a thread this week about who actually enjoys playing with their kids and hardly anyone enjoys everything they just all have the odd thing they dont mind.If you think of what you enjoyed as a child or things you may enjoy now without worrying if they are traditionally childish or not I think your kids would most enjoy anything you can show genuine pleasure in. My boy played in a puddle yest while I drank a take away brew it was the highlight of hes day, all the better parents looked in disgust and ushered their own kids past him but he was happy so I was.