Difficult 4 year old - please share your strategies!

[weebleswillwobble]

My DD has just turned 4, and at the moment her behaviour is driving me around the twist. She has always been, erm, ‘challenging’ (has had tantrums FROM BIRTH, I swear!) but her behaviour at the moment seems to have gone from bad to worse, and I just don’t know what to do any more. I apologise in advance for the long post! I just need to vent!

Just to give you an example, take today – lashing with rain outside but DD INSISTS on wearing a thin cotton jacket to preschool. So I give the option – either wear beloved jacket with a raincoat over the top, or wear nice thick waterproof coat. Result? Cherios thrown over the carpet in a rage. Tantrum then thrown because she is still hungry. Clothes are a massive point of contention – refuses to wear anything new. Or anything that isn't pink. Or pyjamas full stop. Most socks. Coats, jackets, cardigans and jumpers are frequently problematic. We have, in the past, bundled her into the car completely naked as she refused to wear any clothes at all.

More general awfulness after preschool on the way home – hitting younger brother in the car and telling him ‘I don’t like you’ (her favourite phrase). She doesn't like DH or DS at frequent intervals – often for no reason at all. We generally ignore it, but it really gets to DH, and I don’t blame him! If she hurts herself – her reflex seems to be to shout ‘I DON’T LIKE YOU’ at the nearest person to her, with me being the only exception. She has always been painfully shy and seems to avoid the company of others, e.g. would NEVER go off to play on her own at softplay and will only go on the equipment if I am with her. She regularly tells me she doesn’t like ‘people’ (i.e. anyone other than me)
DD does, however, seem to be very popular with her peers at preschool, and her nursery teacher was amazed when I described her behaviour at home, as DD seems to be positively angelic there, and loves going.

This afternoon we visited my DM and grandfather, DD spent over an hour screaming ‘I want mama!’ in the living room on her own while we ate lunch. The reason? My mum (the one person that DD generally idolises) offered to get her out of the car when we first arrived. Time out seems to escalate bad behavior / minor incidents into rages that last for a couple of hours sometimes.

I am just at my wits end. I just feel like I am tip toeing around her all the time for fear of setting her off. Don’t get me wrong - the picture I have painted of her here sounds absolutely grim, she can also be just lovely! Funny, quirky, bright, affectionate, imaginative and an absolute joy, and of course I love her to bits, but I am very much struggling to like her at the moment, and DH and I are definitely feeling out of control as parents .

I would be so grateful if you could share any behaviour / discipline / reward strategies that have worked for you. Please help!

Time out seems to escalate bad behavior / minor incidents into rages that last for a couple of hours sometimes.

You must NOT give up giving sanctions. She is pushing you to see how far she can actually push - the more you give in the more she'll push.

I can assure you she'll soon get fed-up of having 2 hour tantrums. Really.

My now 7yo sounds like he was similar to your daughter.

It was a horrific period of our lives and his behaviour was at its worse for a few years. It has improved significantly over the last year although he is still that way inclined.

Clothes were and are still a bit of an issue, mealtimes a trigger and going to school/preschool. He was fine at preschool but a monster for the first couple of years at school.

I don't have a magic answer maybe some coping strategies.

1. Pick your battles. My son hated wearing certain clothes- we got rid of them and all clothes were approved by him before they were bought. He is very sensitive to things like seams/stitching. He doesn't like coats at all and doesn't really seem to feel the cold. We set rules and have stuck to them. Rule 1, we always take a coat just in case. If its raining wellies and a brolly is a must. In my experience within a few minutes of leaving the house he asks for his coat. If its cold, hat, gloves etc (rule 2) and again he usually changes his mind about the coat. If there is snow/frost the coat always goes on before we leave (rule 3).

1. Identify triggers and see what you can do to help. My son struggles more with his behaviour if he is hungry, offer a snack frequently.

1. Ignore bad behaviour as much as you can. If it is dangerous or upsetting/nasty I dealt with it. If not I left the room until he had calmed down. Then we 'put it right' and a clean slate began.

1. Find a management technique that works for you. I liked Stephen Biddulphs 'stand and think' as well as 1-2-3 magic. The less verbal we were helped.

It took my son 2 years to give up on 2 hour long tantrums, and he still tries to pull the occasional one. He used to strip (completely) if I said 'no', despite never giving into this and suffering the humiliation of him walking to school in pant and socks etc ... A couple of month ago I got the response of, 'if you don't let me, I'll take my clothes off.' I looked at him raised my eyebrows and smiled, left the room. Within 5 minutes he was happily playing fully dressed, having acted like the whole incident never happened.

Your daughter of course maybe different and you may read my post and think I handled it completely wrong.

I read recently this quote, "the kids who need your love the most will ask for it in the most unloving ways." There is no doubt that children are hard work. I love my son to pieces but at times I felt like he had broken me.

All the best

Wow! Thank you all so much for your detailed responses. Wrt clothes, we did reach crisis point during the summer which resulted in a big shop for clothes entirely chosen and approved by DD, and there was a distinct improvement in behaviour surrounding this. I think its the move into autumn/winter clothes that has sparked it all off again. I do love the sound of your coat choosing strategy Iam! I will definitely try that one tomorrow.

I have no intention of giving up using sanctions Flapjack, but I'm just not convinced that having an hour+ long battle of DD screaming / fighting and me plonking her back on the step is working for us. She has so much stamina, and just keeps going and going until in the end I don't think she knows what she is being punished for. I just think there must be some other way of disciplining / calming that doesn't descend into such chaos.

Nickname I burst out laughing when I read your comment about your son stripping off - DD has done the same! And ALWAYS when we are just needing to leave the house! And the irony of it is that I have a DS who takes his clothes off because he just likes being 'free' - so I sometimes end up with two previously dressed nudie children, minutes before we are due to leave the house.I'll def. give your advice a go. I'm willing to try anything at the moment! And reassuring to know it can improve too. Found your quote very inspirational too - will try to remember that when DD is in full flow!