I hit my child help

[azzurra]

It is definitely the most shameful thing I have ever ever done in my life and I feel terrible. DS is 4.5 years. He is far from being a difficult child. I do not even have the justification of being "over-stressed". I love my child deeply. It had happened a couple of times before but I really thought that I had things under control. Yesterday I slapped him again. It happened before I could even realised what I was doing. It was like a flash and next thing I was looking at the tearful and horrified face of my son. The reason is so banal that I could not believe it myself that I had over-reacted in such a way: we were supposed to do some homework: practising writing letters. I could not get his attention and he kept bouncing about on the bed until I snapped. I tried to make up afterward, kept on telling him that I loved him very much and I did wrong but the damage had been done. I think I need some professional help. This is not an issue I would broach with any of the mums I know. If anyone out there has been in the same situation and solved it please let me how. Where do I go to learn how to control myself? I was thinking of anger management or some conseling? Any suggestions? I want to get it right. I want to be a good mum

Please do not be too hard on yourself. You have made a mistake but you realise that and you do not want to do it again. You are very brave to recognise your behavior and seek advice.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has lost it and snapped. Some people lose it and shout, some people have hit. It sounds like an accident due to stress and temper not an ongoing thing. Maybe speaking to someone in real life about stress or anger management? Do you have anyone? Even Samaritans could help.

I remember the night before a very stressful job interview, dd would not go to sleep. She is normally ok but this night she played up until 11pm, I was so stressed that I lost it and SCREAMED at her. I felt dreadful afterwards and cried. Now I just walk away and count to ten.

Talking out loud to people helps so much OP I recommend it x

oh love you, please don't be too hard on yourself. its a good thing that you recognised that hitting/smacking a child is not the right thing to do; it'd be a whole lot worse if it was something you were doing all the time.

i second PP in that speaking to someone out loud will help, you'll be surprised at how un-judgemental people are. every single parent with a toddler/little person knows how the smallest thing can be frustrating and have have you tearing your hair out. i'll be completely honest and there have been times when i have been so so close to giving my daughter a smack if she's been particularly trying.

you are a good mother, and you can turn this around. you talked to your son and apologised for your behaviour. if you feel like its going to happen again, walk away to another room, your son will be fine, count to 10 and keep telling yourself your the adult here and you can deal with this.

please speak to someone and you can stop this becoming a habit rather than something that happened once and you can try to forget about it!

On the basis that this is the third time you have hit him I think you need some help. Can you speak to your GP? I really hope you can turn this around - take all the help you can get.

Why terrible you slapped a small child who was being annoying.

Hardly something to feel guilty about.

Throw the PC crap out the window and enjoy your child. I can't abide all the sanctimonious hand wringing about occasionally slapping children.

The parenting puzzle and the Incredible Years books are good books which give ideas about how you cope and react to your children. There may also be courses locally.

Everyone gets annoyed with their children but hitting isn't very productive really. It's better to keep your cool and tips like giving consequences and rewards do work really well.

I am going to get flamed but you definately do not need to go to a gp because you have hit your child. I am not anti-smacking. He was bouncing around and not focussing.. you saw red. It happens. You are not hitting him everyday as was sadly so common Iin our grandparents generation. Three times since he was born isnt child abuse.
I am not suggesting a return tobthe bad old days but the occasional slap wont hurt and often they happen out of the blue when buttons are pressed big time.

Im with starball on this one. It has got to the stage where middle class kids are entitled as the parents are too scared to discipline them. Im not saying hitting is the answer but neither is huge guilt .

Were you hit as a child? Everyone has the urge. I'm not a hitter (have been sorely tempted) but more of a naggy, moany old cow of a mum (and tips on that gratefully received).

My mum was beaten by her mum, and in turn ahe decided that she wouldn't hit it - she did a few times though! I think its now very diluted in me, so I wouldn't hit a child. Sa my MIL says - if you slap a small child for being cheeky, what do you do when he's 13 and sneaks a cigarette, kill him?

Resolve that you won't smack your child. Try not to do things when rushed - being short of time with a dawdling child is a recipe for stress!

Find what relaxes you and make sure you do this every day - long bath, good book, knitting, pins in a voodoo doll... Learn how to 'let go'. Count to twenty, recite the last 10 prime ministers, name all your childhood pets...

Your little one will forget this one incident if you allow. Don't keep reminding him, or it will become 'the tinme mummy beat me with a baseball bat (children can inflate any incident). You have apologised, so he knows it is naughty to hit.

Don't be hard on yourself. It was a blip. You know that this isn't 'you'.

I think the anger management/counselling route sounds like a good one. You're upset and your child was upset. You want to understand why you got angry, and be able to anticipate the times when you are about to 'lose it' so you can act differently.

Although this is a bit of a side-issue, we also have very high expectations of very small children now when it comes to learning at school. It's distressing that both parents and children feel so pressured about formal learning at an early age, and that - on occasion - this pressure can be so great it ends up in the kind of incident that you've described.

Seriously, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but suggesting you need counselling, to see your GP or speak to the Samaritans when you have slapped your child 3 times in 4.5 years is PC nonsense!

I am very anti smacking, but I also have a 4yr old and this summer I slapped her on the arm. I have not done it before and don't plan to do it again. I didn't do it from a place of rage or extreme anger, more from a place of having her pushing buttons constantly for 2 hours and intentionally hurting her much younger sibling, and I needed to get her attention before she really hurt him. It worked. She isn't traumatised. She won't be needing counselling to become a rounded adult as a result. She understood what she was doing - yes even at 4 she really did.

There is nothing wrong with feeling guilt for doing something you don't believe is right (I don't thinking hitting children is right), but put it into perspective and accept the fact that kids are at times extremely trying and you are only human. I think full on hitting of children on a regular basis is bullying and child abuse, but as someone else pointed out "seeing red" at a child pushing the boundaries (which they have to do - it's their job) and you taking action to reset those boundaries (which is your job) is not cause for counselling.

Personally I would put energy into finding positive strategies to avoid the situations where he is likely to push your buttons, rather than focusing on some perceived anger issues!

Good luck though however you decide to tackle this situation x

As a therapist (no, I really am a therapist) I wouldn't advise counselling for a one smack. The OP is probably more in need of counselling for her own anxiety over the event than for anger management issues (unless she has ongoing anger management issues).

it was a smack. The most common method of child discipline in history and internationally till very recently. Youre not an abuser, you just lost your temper. Dont worry too much about it.

Thanks to all for your support. I am determined to resolve the situation. I side with the parents who believe that hitting, smacking is bad full stop and that in general it just begets bad behaviour. Out of experience my little one is at his best when his good behaviour is noticed and praised. Furthermore and I feel that hitting my child (sorry I know I will be infuriating some of you here) shows nothing more than my weakness... and to answer Nicename's question yes I was hit and frequently by my mother. It was not seen as a bad thing when I was growing up but I know what it did to me and that's why I am so furious with myself. How could I possibly do the same??!!

It's just a learned reaction/behaviour. Its not 'who you are'. You are a loving, kind mother to a child, not a child beater. We're not all saints!

You will get the abused who go on to abuse - yes, locigally they know its wrong, they know their victim is scared and hurt, yet it happens.

Learning to recognise when you need to take a break from a situation is important. When DS started school I found his homework extremely stressful and I'm sure I shouted at him more than once. I don't think that was of any benefit to him. A year later, he is bigger, stronger, and more able to concentrate and his homework is not such a struggle...but looking back, I was the one who made such a big deal out of it. I don't even think children of that age should get homework, tbh. I am much more relaxed now. Whatever way it's done, it's done. My child's happiness and security will benefit him far more in life than the homework he did when he was 4. We do revert to our parents' behaviours when we are stressed. Have a look at peaceful parenting website. Sorry for big block, am on phone! And you are doing great to recognise that you want to be a better parent.

Actually, reading your OP, I would look at counselling, based on the fact that before you even knew what you were doing you slapped him. That was an unthinking impulsive act that I would take advice on.

I reckon being hit as a child does instil a culture of hitting when you are older. You need to get to the root of that and have your very first impulsive act to be walk away.

Good luck OP, much respect for you identifying it

To be honest, while I don't think you are in any way a bad person and we all get close to snapping at times, I think you would really benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). It looks at your reactions to situations that stress you out and helps you recondition your behaviour in those circumstances. While I do agree with the posters above that many of us see red and react badly at times when fed up or stressed, I don't think we should use that as an excuse to say it is okay to smack our children in anger or frustration. I think we should make every effort possible to avoid losing control. I don't mean that judgementally - it applies to myself just as much as you. I have lost control on several occasions and really shouted at my ds1 for feeble reason, just because I have been tired and wound up. I have read a couple of books on coping with stress and parenting though and they have helped me a lot. Don't beat yourself up - you felt dreadful and you said sorry. Children need to know that we are prepared to say sorry when we do wrong. But do look at ways in which you can try to manage the sudden anger and loss of control, for both your sakes.

I'd consider your general stress levels, it's harder to walk away and calm down when they are tired and cranky if you are pretty stressed, I'm always more likely to shout when feeling overwhelmed, think about how you felt just before and deliberately change tack, some days dd is too tired for any reason. I'm anti smacking but everyone's gotten stuck in that loop where they've lost their temper.

I hit my child once. Just once. She was four. She'd been genuinely deliberately annoying, she was being an absolute arsehole (as far as a four year old can). I smacked her on the hand on the way home, once, and felt awful. She was really sorry. I was really sorry. Neither of us has repeated the undesirable behaviour. And we both apologised to each other within a couple of hours.

You sound like a perfectly good mum, btw. It is OK to sometimes just have had enough, as long as we are talking once a year rather than once a week.