how to deal with tantrums?

[misdee]

with a 16month old?

she is screeching badly now if she doesnt get her own way, or if she wansta toy that dd1+2 are playing with. she has laid a claim to the cosy coupe car in the garden, is al;ways in it. but dd2 was in it yesterday and i heard a blood curdling scream coming from the garden, rushed out there and dd3 is trying to climb in the back of it whilst screaming at dd2. i took her out and explained that dd2 was playing with it and took dd3 over to the slide. but this is happening more and more.

completely normal for that age. I actually expect the older child to give in to the baby in my house. IF you can distract the baby, try but if baby is in full scream, I get hte older child to give up the toy. Doesn't seem fair to the older one but the baby is too little to understand and the older child is. Around 2, the rules change and I make the 2 year old (former baby) take turns and share etc. You should see the look of triumph on the older child at that magic age when they no longer have to be always giving in.

I have one of those - he's 22mo now but his temper scares even me - he's supposed to be the little one, but sometimes I feel so sorry for poor ds1, he is so patient with him and tries so hard not to retaliate. I heard him saying to ds2 the other day "NO! DON'T break up my train track! You KNOW it's naughty, STOP doing it! If you do it again, I will... I will.... POKE you!!" He didn't poke him of course, he came and got me, bless him. Ds2 goes out of his way to sabotage/steal/break everything ds1 is trying to play with. And yet he idolises him and wants to be with him all the time. They are really very close and protective of each other, but it surprises me that when there is a power struggle ds2 seems to have the edge.

I intervene and restate the rules of play, loudly so both boys can hear, remove the culprit temporarily from the situation and tell him quite clearly that it's not nice to snatch/whatever he's done, and that it makes his brother sad. He knows what I mean, and he's allowed back "in" when he's regained his temper. It does seem to be having an effect, I've noticed lately that when he's about to plough in and wreck something or push ds1 off something, he'll look around guiltily to see if I'm watching . I say "XXX..." in a warning tone, and it's usually enough. If not I usually swoop on him with some sort of distraction. If some way can be found for them to share, or for ds2 to have an nice easy task he can do to "help" ds1 with whatever he's doing (passing him bits of track, for example) it often stops the hostilities. I've no idea how "good" that is but it seems to work, for now.

I think some squabbling is inevitable, and it's surprising how it's often the littlest who has the fiery temper, and holds the older child to ransom because it's assumed the parent will blame the bigger child.

christie, i dont agree with making older child give in to little one i'm afraid. dd1 is just 6years old, dd2 is 3years old and dd3 is 16months. dd3 is learning to share already and will give things to her sisters if i ask her. but its the screaming, my goodness, she is sooo small and the scream is so loud. the other 2 didnt scream liek this. she is certainly fiery.

Misdee - If my DD (16 months) is stropping, I tell her a firm NO and move her some distance from the object. Takes a few times but she seems to get the message. If she screams I pretty much just turn my back on her and ignore her after telling her no. If this fails, distraction, distraction,distraction.....!!

this has just started in out house
ddi is 6 and dd2 is 15 months
ww the scream on her is almost blood curdling
I also have the coupe car thing in the garden that dd2 has fallen in love with
ddi hardly ever goes anywhere nearit now, she prefers to ride her bike(without stabilisers, [proud emoticon])but she was in it the oter day and I was just on the way out into the garden to chck on them and the scream that I heard....well I was positive that dd2 must be losing a leg or something, it made me run and when i got there she was tryintg to yank dd1 by the arm out of the car and screaming in her face, to be honest I wasn't really sure what to do and by the time I got over to them dd1 was saying"ok just have it ugh stop screaming"

I am now trying to tell her no and ignore the screaming but phew she could wake the dead

Message withdrawn

My approach at this age is similar to Christie's: the older child (6) and adults give in to the toddler (16 months). If she's having a tantrum for no specific reason then I just try and comfort her and keep her safe, there's not much else I can do then if i can't work out what's wrong.

I have found it to work for me. Once the baby is about 2, as I said, I no longer make the older child give up everytime. I introduce the concept of sharing etc to the younger. But, when my younger ones were just babies, they just don't understand concepts like sharing etc. so, I get the child who does understand to give it up. I do use distraction, often the older child can offer something else to the younger sibling and that works. I may say wait it out, the baby gets bored and moves on and the older child gets the toy back. My kids have all gone through it with younger siblings and they all play quite nicely now.