MIL nasty to me since the birth of my DD

[Veexox]

Before I became pregnant me and MIL never really spoke if I visited his parents house she would never spoke. I just assumed she was shy and that was it. That all changed when I became pregnant she began to call me constantly invite me for lunch and we became really close we even moved in with her as we wanted to save money to buy a house.

I invited MIL to attend the birth of my DD as I felt like she was the mother I never had but that all changed the moment DD came out of me.
After my post birth shower MIL commented that I looked fat and that I needed to lose weight quick if I wanted to keep my OH. :(

14 weeks on and it's been absolute hell! MIL acts like my baby's mummy and tries to snatch her off me she's always criticising my parenting and slates my appearance. She always says how DD is so pretty and looks nothing like me but like her and OH she tries to imply that I'm ugly which really hurts.

BIL & his wife came to visit and MIL demanded I let them hold my DD all day and she proceeded to tell them what my DD likes and dislikes. I felt like a 3rd wheel then MIL tells BIL how lovely it would be if they could have DD overnight but I would never allow it which makes me out to be a right witch. My other BIL came to visit from uni and we were having a conversation when MIL randomly butts in "Why are your stretchmarks so bad?" which really embarrassed me!

We are arguing over christmas at the minute because I want to spend the day with my dad he will be alone and my brother is in the navy. MIL started complaining saying DD was supposed to be going to my BIL's and can't I go visit him and leave DD with them!!

She acts like my family aren't important and have nothing to do with DD which is really hurting me. MIL still treats my OH like a little boy she will get up everyday at 5am to make his breakfast and lunch one day I did this for OH because I thought MIL could do with a rest but she came down the stairs said "Oh you have made his breakfast" then wouldn't speak to me for the for the rest of the day.

I've noticed MIL isn't nice to anyone unless they are a blood relation including my FIL (she's horrible to him) it's like she thinks she gets another chance at being a mum again with my DD.
I can't do anything without MIL commenting on my parenting and she tries to imply she would be a better mother to my DD! I've told OH I'm moving out with or without him and he tries to guilt trip me into staying by saying DD would miss him. I sat down and told him his mother has been an evil witch to me since I gave birth to DD and he agrees but says we can't move out because we don't have enough money (we have over 20k in savings). Can anyone tell me what her problem is?
I've avoided her for 5 days now (stayed in the bedroom or gone out) and MIL has complained to OH that I'm keeping her away from her grandchild.

To be honest I don't want her near my DD she's a good grandma but she can't be nice to me and respect me as my DD's mum (she thinks she has more rights to her than me.)

How can I try to make my MIL be nice to me again?

Your MIL won't ever be nice to you again because she is a total cow.

You need to move out ASAP and then tell her to go and fuck herself.

Of course you can move out with that much in savings as long as you have an income. Sounds like your dh wants to be treated like a little boy - do he do anything to support/defend you? If it's down to money then tell him you're moving in with your dad and he can choose if he wants to be an eternal toddler or have a wife and family.

He sounds like a lazy arse and your mother inlaw is controlling and toxic. Remove yourself and your dd from this situation before your dd grows to think it is normal and right.

She isn't going to ever be nice if she is vile to her DH. She is toxic.

You need to leave!!

I agree you need to move out and put some tough boundaries in place so you show her when she's behaving inappropriately: it may be helpful to find a counsellor to talk it through with and role play how to handle personal attacks, undermining of your parenting, attempts to take Dd and treat her as her own, etc.

The broken record technique is good:
'I am her mother and I will do what I think is best for my child'
'That sounded very rude, please do not speak to me like that, it's not acceptable/appropriate'

It might also be an idea to find some baby groups where you can chat to other mums and exchange support and ideas and get back up in feeling confident about parenting decisions.

Good luck, she sounds horrible.

You can't make her be nice to you. Nothing you can do can change her behaviour. Only she can do that. And if you stay she will get worse.

Move out ASAP. If your OH wants to stay with his mum over his partner and child, then that is up to him. However you may find that when he realises that you are serious or when you have moved he will follow you.

Bear in mind he must see what she is doing to you and chooses to allow it. Also he is prepared to lose you and his child rather than cut the apron strings. Don't get me wrong, I come from an abusive family and know it is hard, but it is still his choice to let her inflict her behaviour on you.

Can you go stay with your dad for a bit?

You need to have your discussions with your husband/DP NOT with your MIL.
I think moving out would be the best thing. Can you move in with your dad temporarily?

MOVE OUT!!!! You can't change her behaviour only your own.

Move out and rent. Or live with your DF. OH won't believe you are serious until you make a stand.

Move out. My mil is like this, and it's one of the reasons I avoid her at all costs. I don't want that negativity anywhere near my baby.

Basically she's a beeeatch. She's jealous she didn't give birth to your baby.
My mil is pure poison. She's nice as pie to me to butter me up and then sticks the knife in when she doesn't get what she wants and throws all her toys out of the pram. It's exhausting and hell.

Tell your oh you are going with or without him. Tell mil unless she changes her attitude towards you she can sod off completely. And tell your oh you need support

Oh my goodness- my blood is boiling just reading this post. ( only because I have had experience of it)

You are now a Mother. You are the child's mother, not her. You decide what's best for your child and make the right decisions between yourself and your husband.
I would move out and perhaps only see her on special occasions. If she is always going to be so negative , why would you want your child around someone like that? Try and speak to your husband and make him realise how upset you are. If he loves you he will support you. This is your family unit now. Good luck and stay strong. X

Move out. You don't say if you are married or not, but either way she will never be nice to you now, sorry but you were an incubator. Get your own home and your OH needs to be on your side or you'll end up posting in relationships about how your MIL is ruining your relationship wanting her little boy back at home.

Move out ..,..run!

Move out.

She wont change, because she is toxic.

So you have to change.

Because the only persons behaviour you have control over is your own.

I couldn't stay with someone who would let their mother insult their partner so openly, but that's just me. My partners Mum is very nasty to me but a little bit more subtle. If she said anything like that my partner would hit the roof. He's currently not talking to her due to things she's said about me.

I think you need to move out for your sanity as well as the wellbeing of your daughter.

You are in a horrendous situation and it is your responsibility to your DD to get out right now and get this toxic individual out of your lives. At the moment your DD is too young to be being seriously damaged by this but you have to get out of there ASAP before this weird horrible behaviour starts to have an effect.

Your MIL will not change. This is who she is, and this is not a good grandmother for your child. You MUST NOT live there any more. staying there to save more money is NOT a good idea. Get out of there.

OP, your MIL sounds worse than mine, but mine has exhibited similar behaviour since the birth of my DS. Very nice to me pre-birth, controlling and condescending ever since. For a while I found it confusing and upsetting and just took it. The penny dropped when, having steamrollered over one of my decisions re. DS, she referred to herself proudly as "the matriarch". I started to put my foot down. She tried to tell me I was overreacting due to PND... which I didn't have.

Really, you would be entirely reasonable to get out of that house regardless of whether your OH follows suit. I know how much it can damage your mental well-being and you do not need that shit as a new mum (or as a mum of any duration, really). I didn't even live with my MIL, just had a few week-long stays, and it really got to me and affected my parenting, which wasn't great for DS. Do it for your DD as well as for yourself.

As far as making her be nice to you again, you can't, but there are things you can do to make any time you have to spend together more tolerable. I agree with TrucksAndDinosaurs re. how to respond to rudeness. Was going to write something similar, as it worked with my own MIL - it's hard at first but gets much easier. Have learnt to enjoy the look of suppressed rage on her face when I override one of her decisions purely on the basis that "I disagree and I am his mother".