Question on AP and how far off the mark I am

[PuddingAndHotMilk]

I have a lovely DD who's 11wo and I'm trying to go down the attachment parenting route as much as I can but had a couple of areas where I'm unsure if I'm doing it right or wrong.

So firstly there are times when DD is tired but doesn't want to sleep. She fights it but after hours 15/20 mins she's fast asleep. She can get quite distressed especially for the first 5 mins or so. Should I be more careful in seeing her cues to get her down sooner and what if I'm out so can't catch it in time? Or is it ok as 'I know what she needs'?

Similarly there are times she seems very happy so I leave her to shower/put bins out/cook or other things I either can't do wearing her or are just easier to get on with. I hear her grumble but need to wash hands or whatever by which time she's crying. I'm sure I'm being hard on myself and she won't remember etc etc but I was left crying as an infant and it's seriously impacted my confidence and self worth - I want to give DD a better start.

Tia

Of course you do and it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. I didn't do AP, but I also struggled with timing of naps at first too and then I would find myself trying to calm a distraught baby. I'm sure you know what to look for, but the thing that surprised me was how quickly they go from tired to over tired.

As for the crying, there is a massive difference between leaving a baby to cry and nipping to wash your hands. You are being very hard on yourself. The most important thing for your DD is a happy and healthy mum, so try not to stress and just enjoy her.

I remember when my DS was small I had an upset tummy ( to say the least). I had to run to the loo pretty quickly and I didn't know what to do so I put him in his bouncy chair and legged it. I could hear him crying, but I couldn't move and by the time I came running out the bathroom he was asleep with little tear tracks on his cheeks. I cried for two days over that one. I think these things are bound to happen and it's fine, so don't worry.

Hello, please don't get tied up in knots - your baby will definitely cry sometimes and it doesn't mean you are not forming the bond you want to or doing any damage. It is a world away from being left crying.

I have a 11.5mo DS and remember the exact feeling if I heard him cry, especially if he was with DH and I just wanted to run and grab him. But I have realised that some babies are more criers than others and mine definitely is - and a sleep fighter! I can't prevent every tear ever. Just build up his confidence and help him to trust that I will always be there. (In fact in my family you are always told not to be silly or 'jollied' out of crying and it's important to me that DS learns it's ok to be sad or cross sometimes and to express that. But that's another story and wasn't a priority at 11 wks old!)

Tbh in the early weeks months I only showered when other people were around as he only napped on me/DH and hated the bouncy chair etc. I would put him in the sling or lay him on a towel if I needed the loo. It is funny when you look back at the crazy things you do when you have a newborn - not so funny when you are in the middle of it though I know.

DS still fights sleep, I am used to it and it's almost a relief when he has his 'last protest' as you know he is about to drop off.

AP is a great philosophy but as with all parenting theories not every last bit of it will be right for your baby, you have to use your instinct and do what is right for your family. And not beat yourself up too much if you make a wrong decision at any point. You are doing well by the sounds of it.

Thanks both. I appreciate your replies. I am hard on myself but I'm so aware of the long lasting consequences of getting it wrong. I'll stop berating myself and keep doing all I can, accepting I can't stop her having any tears at all.
Thanks again

Thanks Miaow. I think DD is like your DD2 and I have NO idea what I'm looking for yet (plus DH seems to think if her eyes are open he needs to play with her)
I spent too much time in the early days going through the feed, wind, nappy cycle without thinking of sleep (no-one warns you it's not automatic after about day 10 and gets worse as they see more around them)
Every time she's upset I can't help but feel like such a failure. Your analogy of the new gadget is spot on. Muscle memory will kick in sometime, right

I remember reading something on mumsnet when my dd was around that age. It was the simple statement that babies cry, it is what they do. Crying is the main way to communicate when they are really little, whether it is pain, tiredness, hunger, frustration, or just 'oh my god, the world is big and new and scary!'.

Crying is not fundamentally a terrible thing, sometimes we all just need to let it all out when the world gets too much and babies are no different. As long as you are covering the basics (food, temperature, nappies, etc) and you are there with comfort and love, you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it every time your dd cries.

As others say you will get better at reading cues but the little buggers bundles of joy do have a habit of changing the rules on you just when you get the hang of things. You won't get it right all the time and you shouldn't expect yourself too. That is just too much for anyone to live up to! :)

Op, remember that babies can only cry - that is the only way of communicating that they have. so it's like if you wanted to say 'can you pass the salt please' but you had to cry !

so of course your baby will cry, as she gets older you will not find it as upsetting - but you are designed by evolution to feel panic when she cries so that you go to her quickly.

personally I'm not that into the label of AP - I think you should just try to respond to the baby as well as you can as all mothers do. I never let my baby cry without picking him up, but he did still cry ! He cried in my arms when tired, he cried in the sling when he couldn't sleep.

At 11 weeks they will probably still be finding the world quite stimulating and over exciting, which I'm sure makes sleep difficult even when tired - but they do grow out of it...

I think you are worrying a lot, and it sounds like you are a lovely mum so try not to think about consequences or what happens later if they cry now!

My cousin is known in the familiy for crying solidly for the first year, no matter what was done to him - he is literally the cheeriest teenager ever, the most relaxed the happiest - the crying is not something he remembers now and has no relevance to his personality!

Agree with the others - babies cry, that's how they communicate with you.

Give yourself a break, love your child, provide for them as much as you can - don't see tears as failures (oh and throw away the books and parenting theories)

OP, to echo others, please don't beat yourself up about the fact she cries sometimes. The important thing is that when she does, you go to comfort her and therefore she learns to trust in the world. There is a world of difference between responding to her when she cries and leaving her to cry it out on her own (but it is ok if you can't go that second because you are in the loo etc). Sounds like your instincts are doing well so trust yourself and her. I remember well that panic at the sound of a cry but in reality it is only a short time.

Re sleep, different things work for different babies but i read some helpful advice that sometimes it is all too much and they need to be able to cry it out, so shushing/distraction can just make them worse, it is like someone is misunderstanding them. The suggestion was with a really overtired baby just to hold them close, let them cry, while looking in their eyes and saying something repetitive/calming like "it's ok" but without trying to stop the crying. DS would do this sometimes and after a big cry (while feeling safe) he would calm down and fall asleep very peacefully on me after finishing crying.

Thanks again everyone! I'm trying not to give myself too hard a time. All your advice and stories have helped