sick of kids:(

[monkey]

I feel such terrible guilt that I can't even talk to dh about this. I have 2 kids, 3 & 1. Up till now I've felt like the luckiest mummy alive and I suppose been horribly self-satisfied about how wonderful my 2 perfect beautiful children are.

But what's gone wrong all of a sudden? I feel like I can't do anything, I feel more restricted now than I did with a new-born, and I'm totally sick of it. I'm also now really angry with them both all of the time it seems, and yesterday it struck me that I really am totally sick of my kids. Totally fed up. There is always a problem. I can never do the simplest thing like diving into the local shop for a couple of pints of milk without one or both of them having a tantrum. I never go into town, because it's just too stressful, and the couple of times I've attempted it I've had to abort mission anyway, feeling totally resentful.

The final straw was yesterday. We had a big family party. We'd been looking forward to it for ages, so had the kids. We were there for 10 minutes before the older one threw a wobbly and insisted on going home. In the end we had no choice, so our day we had been looking forward to for ages was ruined.

Maybe I am totally selfish and the worst mother in the world etc etc, but EVERYTHING at the moment just seems like an uphill struggle. There is always a problem with one or the other or both of them, and I am so fed up. I am so resentful now that I am treating especially the older one really badly, saying things that's it's not nice or fair of me to say, and in my calmer moments I feel very sorry and guilty for saying cruel thigs, but them the next tantrum over nothing (the last one was putting the bib on, and inadvertently saying "din dins" instead of lunch) I just flipped and shouted that I was sick of them both, and of course I now feel a mixture of guilt, sadness and anger.

Has anyone felt like this, and will it pass, and how can I restrain myself the next time??

Monkey - its a phase - its a phase - its a phase!!
Yes, I remember it well. dd no 2 trying to assert fledgling independance, dd no 1 realising dd no 2 is a real person (& can now nick toys & run off). No sleep for 2 years. Need I go on. It does get easier, honest. I'm not going to even suggest useful strategies, because you've probably heard them all before. Just grit those teeth & cut yourself & the kids some slack. Mine are now 4 & 6, and the difference is amazing, I can actually go out now! Still dread taking them to the supermarket though - thats always guaranteed to end in tears (mine & theirs), so I go late night or shop via internet.
BTW they always seem to know when you're looking forward to something don't they!

Oh Monkey I so felt for you I have been like this many times and I only have the one little monster - I feel guilty and try and make it up to him but you know we are only human and we cant be "perfect Mummy" all the time your children love you as much as you love them - is there any chance of you getting a day to yourself - not always possible I know but it may be that you just need to be able to do your own thing even if its just for an afternoon - I have had what seemed like weeks of me constantly shouting being a complete bitch to my ds and then all of a sudden we regain some normality so yeah like others before me have said "its a phase" - I hope it ends soon as feeling guilty about being horrible to my ds to me is the worst - best of luck you brave mother of two x

Monkey - in answer to the big 3 questions at the end of your post - yes, and yes, and it depends how strong you feel at the time.

Two of my neighbours are at more or less your stage - one has nearly 4 and nearly 1, the other has just 2 and new baby - I was looking at the second one out of the window today and remembering how bad-tempered and horrible I was for so much of the time when my elder 2 were tiny. But they have both turned into lovely people - we all work at the same place and colleagues go out of their way to tell me how nice they find them - they are not bitter and twisted and ruined!

So try not to feel too bad or guilty - as long as the children feel loved and secure, the "horrible" things you say will really go in one ear and out the other. If you can manage always to have smoothed things out enough for bedtime not to be bad-tempered, it will stop you feeling guilty later, but if it happens that bedtime is bad-tempered too, I promise that they will have forgotten about it the moment they fall asleep!

Hi Monkey, You are not alone! I have three children under 4 and have periods when I feel so angry and resentful with them - especially the eldest. They are lovely children really but I just feel so trapped sometimes - I too have given up walking into town because it can just be so awful.

I don't know why I feel like this - its worse when I have PMT but it is such a pressure having constant responsibility for three children and spending all day clearing up from the last meal and making the next one!! I have posted before when I was at a moment of total despair but it did pass. It is so theraputic to post and have people let you know that they have felt the same way.

I am definately worse to my eldest - I said to him the other day that I was sick of him. That's the worst thing I have ever said and I was so horrified that I could say it. I have always tried to not personalise stuff - you know like saying that was a naughty thing to do rather than you are a naughty boy. I calmed down (after a long time) and was very apologetic.

I'm afraid I don't really have any good advice because I haven't figured it out myself yet! I think that getting a good nights sleep helps. Also I think I do take out a lot of other stuff out on them - like if I am angry with my husband etc. That's a hard thing to admit.
I remember seeing an Oprah show ages ago and one of her "experts" saying that you get a payoff from taking things out on the children or you wouldnt do it. for example you get to release your anger without the consequences it might have if you released it on your partner, boss etc. This may seem totally irrelevant to you and I'm not for a moment suggesting thats what you are doing - I think that I am worried that its true about me sometimes.

We live all cramped up in a small house with horrible neighbours on each side who bang on our walls - my husband works all the hours he can and we don't really get out at all. I get so totally stressed out by it all that I am constantly on edge - this has a really bad effect on how I deal with the children. So sorry that's not an answer for you - its therapy for me really
As one mumsnetter wrote - "this too shall pass" - I really liked that.

If you are like me you could probably do with a weekend break at a luxury spa hotel! You sound like you could do with something for yourself. I like Steve Biddulph and he always says that you should look after yourself first, relationship second and children third (a close 2nd and 3rd). If you are not feeling ok then you can't function so well as a parent. Sorry that this is probably such cliched advice.

You are not an evil or bad mother - I think that being a parent gets too much for everyone once in a while. I will be thinking about you - hope you feel better soon...

Thanks for your messages. I really need and appreciate them. I suppose it's good to hear other people having the same experience.

I'm worried that this is going to become habit - this really negative 'phase' seems to be going on so long and the bad behaviour(from kids & me) seems almost to be habit now. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be civil to my kids agaoin. Everything the older one says & does seems to wind me right up.

It feels like a marriage breakdown.

Monkey, your post really grabbed my attention - I could have written it myself this week. My two are 2.5 and 4.5, and up to now I have felt so privileged to be at home with them, and have largely felt extremely contented (though stressed at times). But the last couple of weeks I have felt desperately unhappy. At first I thought it was just PMT, but it went on and on ... The trigger for me was getting back in touch with old friends through Friends Reunited, and realising they were remembering the old me who had energy, enthusiasm, and a personality! And here I am envying their freedom and independence ...

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My MIL has reassured me time and again about losing it with my kids, she says that they have to see that you are human too and that you kave limits. I too have been having a really rough time recently and have scared myself a couple of times with how angry I can get with a three year old, in fact some of the things you said Monkey really struck a chord. The past few days I just know when it's getting too much I have to get out of the house, go to the park, one o'clock club, a cafe, anywhere, just out of the house before the cabin fever sets in.

Oh monkey, I just want to give you a big hug! Been there, done all that and more...yes, my two (now 5 and almost 3) have had to bear the brunt of my frustration and anger (rage at times, which is just plain scary!) on many occasions. And yes I felt like the worst mother in the world afterwards. Some days they just seem to want to push your buttons don't they, just to see how far they have to go before mummy explodes!

Take heart, you are only human. There is no such thing as a supermum, and even for those who appear to be magical beings when you see them, there will have been times they too have resorted to shouting and ranting!

Sounds like you need a new tactic or two - timeout for the kids as well as timeout for you. When you feel the anger building, put distance between you and the kids any way you can BEFORE you react. Whether it means you lock yourself in the bathroom while you calm down, or you place your kids in a chair and walk away. Deep breaths, and think about why you are angry and what choices you can give them as a consequence. Consequences are great...two choices and then they choose what happens - so it gives them a sense of power while you still have control eg if they are whinging or not cooperating - you can either ask/play nicely or you can wait over there for 2 minutes.

I think the other kind of timeout you need is something for yourself. A holiday would be great but something long term wold be better. Is there somewhere you can leave the kids while you go out? Is there anything you would like to do just for yourself, whether it's the gym, craft, yoga, tai chi, swimming...some places offer a creche. Just an hour a week, where you are YOU and not "somebody's mum". Or is there a friend who would be prepared to mind your kids (one or both) while you go shopping, and then you can mind her kids while she goes out, week about? You need to make looking after yourself a priority - it's okay to be selfish sometimes. After all, where would your kids be without you? You (and your marriage) need to be right up there.

Basically go easy on yourself, remember that you are human and you are doing the most difficult job in the world...I know there are days when it all seems overwhelming and just too hard. If you are in a negative cycle, you need to get out of it. Maybe a mantra (I have to say I was pretty chuffed that keziah remembered my "this too shall pass"!) like "I am a good mum and today will be a positive day!" Say it ten times in the morning, either before you get up or in the shower etc. They really do work. Worth a try?!

Lastly, remember that you are the parent and they are the children! So often I have caught myself having a "tantrum" and feeling so out of control. You are the one who calls the shots, don't let your child be the boss cos they will try, especially at 3 when it's all about power struggles! Be firm, make rules and stick to them.

I have a big sign on my fridge, printed out in huge font..it says
STOP!
Stay calm
Be positive
Be consistent
Be firm
Do not tolerate unacceptable behaviours
Think in terms of consequences
Give TWO choices
Follow through
Losing your temper = LOSING CONTROL of the situation
Look for good behaviours too - and PRAISE!

Sometimes I just have to catch sight of it and it sort of reels me in! Sorry this got so long but I really related to everything you said. Good luck and keep us posted!

A bit of time to yourself would work wonders.

I don't know if this would help, but soemtimes we get into negative cycles with the kids and don't realise it, and wonder why behaviour is getting so bad - and then feel all surprised when we realise what we have done, and start to concetrate on and praise the good things again. CAN YOU DO THIS ON YOURSELF? You say how awful you are - but can you try to look at some of the things you do and and say that was good - it doesn't have to be a big thing but just recognise it as good. Try to focus on the small good things rather than the large black cloud. Once you feel better about yourself, the black cloud might not seem so big. Hope it works - and lots of sympathy - I remember this stage and it does pass.

My heart goes out to you, Monkey. Sometimes I've wondered how I can love my kids so much and yet sometimes find them so annoying? As almost everyone else has said, try and remember that it's a phase. We had one about 9 months ago, when my then 3.5 y.o. seemed to be deliberately difficult and winding me up all the time, and his sister (then 1.5 y.o.) was just egging him on and making everything worse. I felt like I just wanted to put a big soundproof bubble around me, so that no-one could touch me or get at me in any way! Now it's passed, and the kids are (on the whole) wonderful again, even together! Just make sure that as soon as you can bear to after blowing up at them unfairly you say you're sorry -my son and I have had many tearful cuddles making friends again, which I sure is a positive thing -Mummy is only human, and Mummy still loves you even when she's behaving like a monster!

Thanks so much. Just had a great day. no negativity, and I managed to keep my cool during one sibling attack!

It's true that I need to lower my expectations of the older one. I guess the very good speaking skills and (usually) good behaviour mean I expect too much.

But I still feel frustrated that my house is a permanent pig sty and I can't get on and do anything.

A small price to pay for 2 lovely kids and a great husband I suppose.

Thanks so much all of you - I feel much more in control again. Next time things go bell y-up I'll come back & read your words of wisdom.

Monkey - glad you're feeling better. I would have written a long-winded reply to your posting earlier, but I was at my parents for a couple of days, so only saw it yesterday, and now I'll only be echoeing the excellent advice of the others. In a nutshell, I understand totally how you feel. I had my 3 within 3 and a half years of each other, it's hard work looking after them, but they mean the world to me. I'm definitely no super mother, I've had been black times when I've felt like I can't cope,and I've had days when I've shrieked at them like a mad woman and said awful things. Things are getting easier now the youngest is 21 mths and the eldest is in full-time school. Also, I've had a re-think about how I manage things (my life, myself, dh, the kids, the house etc) and realised that I was setting myself impossible goals and feeling a total failure when I couldn't achieve them. I've realised that I'll never have the perfect tidy house with 3 young kids in it, so I try to let it not stress me out anymore (mine is a pig sty too). I've got some really good friends who've got 'spirited' children too, so when they play up, we can just laugh about it and noone feels embarrassed or awkward. Also, alot of my problems were because I was unhappy with myself (hated the weight I had put on when pg). Now I'm sorting myself out, losing weight and getting fitter, I generally feel much more able to cope, much happier and more tolerant. I could go on and on, as this is a subjcet close to my heart, but I won't bore you with details. Just wanted you to know I'm here too if you need any help.

monkey, it is good to hear that you're feeling so much more positive!

I always used to expect far too much from the older one too - compared with the baby/toddler they seem practically grown-up.

Anyway you have broken the vicious circle now - you know, the worse you feel, the worse you feel! It probably will come round again so I hope you can remember that it did pass this time.

And try not to mind too much about the mess - I used to do that too and now I don't have dear little ones any more (I have dear big ones but it's different!) I regret the amount of time I spent minding and shrieking about it. They really do grow up faster than you can imagine - even though each day feels like a week sometimes!

Onward and upward...

Great to hear monkey, isn't it a relief to find you are not alone!

I know exactly what you mean about lowering expectations - unfortunately our wake-up call has come too late. Dd was an early very fluent talker, and now that ds is almost 3, we look back at how well she talked compared to him and realise how very differently we treat him as compared to her at this age. He is only just putting 3 & 4 word sentences together, and we still think of him as a "baby", but with dd she always seemed so "grown up" because she could communicate so well. So we expected more from her than I fear she was really ready for. It makes me feel really sad now. On the other side though we probably spoil ds rotten and don't demand enough from him at times! Oh what a tricky balancing act it all is!

Anyway glad to hear things are better and you are feeling better about everything.

Mollipops, have been doing the positive affirmations and I do believe they're working - thanks

Hi how did things work out Monkey?

You're literally me. I totally sympathise!!