very ill granddad...should children visit?

[jocastafantastica]

Hi everyone, my stb ex FIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, it was only five wks ago but already he has been given weeks to live. Initially he was at home with assistance from Macmillan - my stb exh took DCs to see him then (DCs are girls, 7 & 10), they realised he was poorly but there were a lot of other relatives present (huge caribbean family) and they didn't really realise how bad he was, playing with cousins etc.
I went to visit him in hospital last week (he was admitted with breathing difficulties) - I hadn't seen him for over a year and was shocked to see how ill he was, extreme weight loss, sleeping most of the time due to the morphine etc. Obviously he doesn't have long, and there is an expectation from some extended family members that my girls come and see him, but I think they will be really upset to see him so ill, and I don't think I want to expose them to that, and for their abiding memory of him to be so sad, when he was such a loud and lively character.
any thoughts/experience of this kind of situation?

Explain the situation to them clearly (DGF is very poorly, looks very different/ill etc and is sleeping a lot because of his meds) and take your lead from them...especially is they understand that his condition is terminal. Make sure they know it's okay to want their last memory of him to be how he was, maybe make a big, colourful 'thinking of you Grandad' card so it can be shown to him when he's awake.

Thanks, that sounds good, we have talked about it and they know he is terminal in theory, they have cried a bit and asked questions. My eldest does not seem keen to go, she is apprehensive about hospitals, but the youngest would like to I think.

What does their granddad want? It sounds like it could be okay either way with your DC, are you able to clarify with his family whether he loves the idea of seeing his grandchildren around or whether it would all be too much for him at this point?

Or if he isn't in a state to notice, then I would probably not go - as it won't then benefit him, and would just be to keep (stb ex) extended family happy.

Stbxh went to visit yesterday and said he seemed more lucid, hopefully going home on weds so girls could see him then think it would be better in his own home, thanks for posts x

My FIL died recently, and looked shrunken and pretty dreadful in the hospital bed. The boys (6 and 8) saw him maybe 2 weeks before he died, and that was fine. They were well prepared for it. The day before he died I decided to take my older boy to see him one last time, but sadly he died that night. He had seen my nieces that last day (9 and 13) and I think that was probably a good idea.

I would say to have the visit earlier rather than later. And try and say the important things.

I'd agree with OPs, take them sooner rather than later.

My FiL died very recently from cancer. He was only diagnosed four weeks earlier so we didn't have long to decide what to do. I had real reservations about taking our 18 mth old dd to stay with my in laws but had sound advice from friends and Mumsnet posters to take dd while he was still able to interact with her. He had the chance to cuddle her and she wasn't remotely phased by his appearance (appreciate that might be different with older children though). It also provided a welcome distraction for my MiL.
We then took her to his bedside twice more for 2 minute visits a couple of days before he passed. Both times she was welcomed by my FiL and didn't get upset.

I'd speak to your in laws about what your FiL might want too.