Pregnant at 21 and don't know what to do - Please help.

[songbird92]

Recently myself and my partner relocated to the South of England from the North in July so he can finish his degree at university and so I can try and make a career for myself (there's not much opportunity in the creative industry in terms of the North).
I started a new job in retail which I don't particularly like and got a promotion to just under a supervisor within 2 months, I've been under a lot of stress with moving, getting a job and barely knowing anyone.
Due to the stress of working 37 hours (which would usually only be 21 but a keyholder left and i'm their only other keyholder) a week and suffering from high anxiety I forgot to take my pill after my week break and now i'm pregnant.

I think i'm around 6 weeks pregnant, I have told only three people including my partner who has had a mixed reaction. We were certain we were going to have a termination but as soon as I found out I walked around town trying to price things up to see if any of this would be doable if I were to have this child. I certainly do not have a lot of money and have been trundling through freecycle.org and gumtree in hopes of finding baby things (they are there). I have been having second thoughts.

My partner has not been the easiest to talk to, he has told me since finding out that 'we are not having it'. Rather than asking me what I want. He has also spent pretty much every night out making uni friends. As it is freshers week.
I really needed him there as I don't know anyone really.. I have spent my nights crying myself to sleep only to be woken up at 4am when he comes back from his night out and then tells me that he loves this baby so much? He likes to sleep with his hand over my stomach even though he is telling me he wants the complete opposite!?

I am completely in two minds about this baby, I scheduled an abortion with BPAS for Monday which I now need to change because my manager changed my day off without asking me to do something she needed to do..
I genuinely do not know what to do.

My mother had me at 21 without the support of my father who is nothing but a disappointment to me, but she never really made a life for herself or a career which is really holding me back as I want a career BUT I also want a family. I always imagined having a family when I was married, and although I have been with my partner for 1 1/2 years we are not looking to get married soon.

I do not know what I am doing, my partner told me over a message last night that he was thinking we should have the baby. We are not financially stable at all, he is at uni - he has a loan, and works about 20 hours in retail to support us and the baby wouldn't be due till around June which would be after his exams?
I have no idea what support I would have from the government? I don't know how housing benefits work? I have tried looking online but it just makes no sense to me as its such a specific circumstance. We are currently in a studio flat which we pay a whopping £625 a month for, there is no room for a baby in here and our lease expires in 3 months time.

Does anybody have any advice for me?
Any twenty something mothers have the same financial issues as me and understand the system?

I just don't know if I can have an abortion but I don't know how i'd support this baby! Let alone childcare, would I work? Would I have to stay at home?

I'm literally a mess.
Please help if you can, any advice is appreciated.

Do what is right for you. Only you can decide that. But if you do opt for a termination bear in mind that it is much easier to have one early rather than late. the poster who said you have weeks to make up your mind is doing you no favours in that respect.

It would be a good idea to see how far on you already are OP. It's a big decision so you need time to weigh things up. As elastamum says if you decide against this pregnancy better to address this as soon as possible. And yes it's a big shock for your boyfriend too but he has the luxury of 'getting his head round it' whereas you are facing up to things right now. It will affect both of you.

I had one at 22 and worked full time until it arrived and went straight back so you do not have to assume having a baby interrupts a career at all! However you and the father would have to be able to raise the fees for a nursery or child minder.

Just wanted to say I was EXACTLY in your position this time last year. I was 19 when I fell pregnant and had a job as a care assistant earning a pittance and our 1 bed flat was 850PM my OH is 6 years older than me so had a better paying job but we realised we would never be able to afford to buy our own place when I went on maternity leave so we moved in with OH's parents (Bad move for me but that's another thread) OH was convinced he didn't want a baby and told me to get an abortion so many times I even booked an appointment in a clinic 3 times but I couldn't go through with it I told OH I was keeping our baby and he could help me raise the baby or he could leave us. He chose to stay and he came round to the idea we now have a 15 week old little girl who was born the 4th July and I can honestly say I have not regretted my decision once. The love I feel for my little girl is stronger than anything I've ever felt. It is hard some days but she is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Do what you want to do don't feel forced into anything or you will regret it!

Yes best thing I ever did though if you can combine it with what I did (working full time, building a career) you do get the best of both worlds. No need to give up full time work.

first, it is absolutely your decision whatever you choose.

what shouts at me from this post is:

• you get stressed at working a standard 37 hour week, at only 21. Most 21 year olds do this easily, it's real life. (I know you say you are ill, it certainly sounds it) How will you cope with 24/7 baby care or juggling childcare and a job? With a baby you can't knock off at 5pm.
• your boyfriend doesn't want to know, except when the booze is talking. YOU WILL BE DOING THIS ON YOUR OWN.
• baby gear can be had for peanuts if you are prepared to buy second-hand/charity shops. They don't need much. What does cost is childcare or loss of wages.

I don't think it is the right time. Yes, you can make it work if you have to, but be realistic as to the kind of life you will have for 10 years or so.

I wish you luck.

I was a pregnant teenager and single at one stage. I went through two weeks of hell trying to decide what to do. It sucked. I kept DD and was the best decision ever. Long story but everything worked out in the end. I got into a good career but gave up after having another baby and not enjoying the whole leaving DD in f/t nursery thing. My advice would be not to have a termination unless you are 100% sure. trust me it is hard enough when you have 'no choice'. Although everyone is different and it may not be hard for everyone. Good luck with this difficult decision.

I had my daughter at 23 (I am still 23, she is 6 months old).

My partner is working part time and I was just doing voluntary work, although was looking for full time work and had actually been accepted for a part time job a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant.

It wasn't planned in the traditional sense, but we were very happy about it. The flat we were renting was not big enough for my partner, myself, the baby and the dog so ever since I was about 5 months pregnant we've been looking for a good place to rent or help to buy. We still are doing this.

I have been staying at my parents who have been invaluable. It wont be easy financially but my partner is hoping to find a full time job and I get DLA/ESA/CTC so at least I have a bit of a help.

I wouldn't change having my daughter for anything. When she's school age I will get a job or maybe do a degree, depending how much they cost in the future. I am lucky that I have a great family unit though - DFiances family aren't so helpful.

I think whatever you decide you should think long and hard but don't rush into it. When you make the decision I am sure that decision will be the right one for you.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk at any point.
[Hugs]

OP I live not far from you and am at Brighton uni. I fell pregnant with DD at 22 whilst in my 2nd year. Am 24 now, DD is 6 months old

Brighton is very expensive, our 3 bed house in Eastbourne is £750 a month. We don't get any benefits apart from child benefit and we cope. However it has been hard and our relationship has been pushed, we're stronger than ever and even getting married on Friday but that's our story.

If you wanna chat ( or even a hug!) feel free to PM me xxx

I agree with the others that its not your age but whether you want to have the baby. Personally I wish I had had the opportunity to have mine younger as I feel it is even harder physically and more tiring when you are past 30 and working nearly full time with a toddler. If you havent started a career yet in some ways this is better as you wont then be paying out half your salary on childcare (one reason why i only have one child). You may even find you can work part time or work from home particuarly if you have family support to cover childcare and not have to pay for it. The cost of a child is the loss of earnings and the cost of childcare whilst you work, not the items you need (not as many as you might think) which you can mostly pick up second hand or free from friends. However this cost will remain (though wont be the same in actual terms or as a percentage of your income) whatever age you decide to have a child. You could decide that actually, since you are not earning huge amounts now it would be better to have that loss of earnings now, rather than later when you are earning a lot more and have a mortgage etc. No child is disadvantaged by not having all the latest must-have gadgets and toys but whenever you do it, it is a life-long commitment, it's hard work and tiring adn there are many hard decisions to muddle through on the way, so you need to be sure that it's what you want.

You need to talk to your family and close friends to try to work this out for yourself. Noone can tell you the right thing, only you can decide that, but talking it out will help you make sense of the decision in your head. It sounds like your partner is finding it hard to come to terms with. I assume he is of similar age to you so he's still very young too. He may feel the decision has already been made (by you) or maybe he also doesnt quite know what he wants and is finding it hard to decide or if he does know what he wants he may just be struggling to tell you - again he will need supprt from his family and friends and to think through and talk things through with you. If you decide you do not want a baby yet then you will both still benefit from lots of support from each other and from family and friends.

I'd suggest thinking about what sort of life you would like for yourself in the future:

Being realistic, having a child now in all likelihood may mean:

• being a single parent
• being on benefits/low wage employment for many years
• not being able to progress in your chosen creative career (either at all or for a long time)
• facing financial hardship in future years due to lost earnings/pensions
• living in conditions/in an area you'd prefer not to.

I'm not saying that the above will definitely happen but without family or partner support, what will you do?

You're young, there is every likelihood that you will have the opportunity to have children in the future, in a stable relationship and with financial security, not only for you but for your children.

Make the decision that's right for you alone and don't feel guilty either way.

I had my first ds (unplanned) at 22, and am expecting second DS (planned) at the age of 24. I was completely shellshocked with DS1 and didn't realise till I was 4 months along and had no family support at all. I intended to work through my pg but I had to quit and move closer to DPs family to get more support -having support is better than not having any. I had a rethink and went back to studying part time when DS was 7 months old. I'm still studying now and am planning to go full time next September.

Although, it has been tough I know by the time the children are 3 and 5 I will be in a much stronger financial position. At this age ds is still relatively cheap to provide for but I know when he is older and has greater wants/needs I will be able to provide for him. We then made the decision to have number 2 whilst I was still studying part time to get the difficult newborn stage out the way before I go back to uni full time and before DP does his postgrad. I think with DS2 my family will be complete.

There's never going to be an ideal time to have children and I did think I had destroyed my life when I found out about DS1. But he has given me a purpose and a reason to work hard and I just adore him.

HI, so what did you end up doing? I'm 21 now and having the same question.

Help!! Ive just found a positve pregnancy test in my sons room, not sure how to react