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Parenting

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I'm a selfish mother - effect on my son

7 replies

Buzzyhoneybee · 13/10/2013 13:02

I just realised I'm a selfish mother. My husband had several affairs, none I knew about until after we separated. The first one I found out about after my daughter was born. We stayed together and decided to have a second child who we both wanted. He left when my son was 6 months old. I feel guilty for the life my son has. My wish for another child overtook any thoughts about what his life would be like with a distant father. He only sees him twice a month because his dad refuses to make time for him and puts himself first. His dad doesn't see him because he moved away to be closer to his work and girlfriend. I do everything to try to make up for his lack of having a hands on dad, rugby, football etc and my partner is great with him. But I feel sad and hate the life that I've given him being without his dad. He doesn't deserve to be shunned the way he is. I'm really worried about the effects this will have on hi. And his future relationships as he's never remembered his dad being here he has no concept of what a family is. I'd like to hear from anyone who's been through this or has an older son who can tell me what their mum's did to make it better for them. I want to make his childhood as happy as possible. My son is 6.

thank you to anyone who can help.

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mrsmartin1984 · 13/10/2013 13:25

Why do you think you're a selfish mother? Sounds like he has a selfish father. He is the one who is putting himself ahead of his son. You're the one who is worrying about your son and how it is effecting him. Don't blame yourself, blame him.

Do you love him? Is he happy and healthy? He will remember that he is loved and cared for. And that is the most important thing

mumofboyo · 13/10/2013 13:56

A life with a dad who didn't want to be there would have been much worse than a life with a mum who loves and cares about him, sets rules and boundaries yet gives him everything he needs and wants.

I'm a woman, so coming from a slightly different angle but my parents split when I was 4. They actually split when my mum was pg with me, but got back together because 'that's what you're supposed to do'. They were very unhappy, argued constantly: in fact almost all of my early memories are of my mam and dad having explosive rows. My mam left, with us, and since then we've all been happier. She met and married my step dad and had 2 more kids. I can honestly say that I believe my life has been better than it ever could have had they have stayed together.

I can imagine that, if you're doing your best and are providing a loving, stable home environment for your ds to grow up in then your ds will ultimately realise that he's better off without a father who doesn't really want to be part of his life.

I hope this makes sense, sorry it's so disjointed; I started writing it ages ago but have had a million distractions in the meantime!

Buzzyhoneybee · 13/10/2013 14:06

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply and help me see things in a wider context. My son told my partner that my ex told him he was a selfish little boy because he was upset about going to his house for the weekend. Broke my heart that his dad would say such a thing to him. He's a wonderful loving boy. I know you're both right, I just worry that I will be a good enough parent for him. Your replies have really helped, thank you for taking time out of your busy lives, much appreciated.

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MrsMargoLeadbetter · 13/10/2013 20:44

I am sorry to hear your exH is a useless father. Your DC deserve better.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of parenting him. You aren't the selfish one. He chose to leave his family.

As the others have said a rubbish Dad can be worse than no Dad.

Is your DD still with you? It is just you don't mention her.

I would post on the relationship board re how to cope with your Ex being a useless parent. Sadly there are lots of women on there who have lots of experience in dealing with poor parenting from their exes.

Orangeanddemons · 13/10/2013 20:52

My ex dp left when ds was17 months old. He has no memory of his father living with him. His dad saw him once a month and has a distant relationship with him. I used to worry just like you.

Ds is nearly 20 now and a delight. He has no issues or problems, and wasn't interested in football or such, he was more of a geeky kid. He thinks his dad is a teat, but loves meGrin. As will your son.

Orangeanddemons · 13/10/2013 20:53

Teat? Wtf? Twat

Buzzyhoneybee · 13/10/2013 21:45

Thank you so much for your help. I wish I'd found this site earlier on, I'm stunned by eveyone's kindness and support. I suppose I've learned not to trust women through my experiences, but has shown me there is much support out there. thank you. My lovely daughter remembers him being a part of her life and so has a strong bond. She gets upset at not seeing him, but her bond is strong and she loves him and therefore has a relationship. My son doesn't even mention him as he has no recollection of him at home at all. Your posts have helped me so much, thank you thank you thank you x x x

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