please, your wise counsel requested - i am worried about my 7 year old son's friendship

[Hannah06]

my son who is 7 has come so far socially. he is a bright kind one-off kind of kid. And has developed a best friendship. My son's temperament is definately of the more tricky, high need variety God bless his socks...he has explosions of temper at times. my natural parenting style is attachment based with strong boundaries and explanations. My son, like all children, is a precious creation.

I sense his 'best friend' does not always treat him as such. i notice his best friend often sets the precedent for what they will play and how. And my son's suggestions for play are refused. I have seen his friend enjoy excluding him annd doing the same to other kids, enjoying teasing him about it. But have told myself to be an adult and accept this is all part of childrens playground stuff. i am just so grateful he is playing at all and even has a best friend!! but his best friends treatment of him just doesnt seem to show him he is of value and an equal.

I find the mother dominating too. she often changes arrangements to suit her and i feel undermined by this. like her son, it always has to be her way. she is white and middle class and a home-owner and i wonder if she deems herself as more powerful than me. as this is how she behaves very subtly. her attempts to overide me and control things is always done with a smile.

My son told me this morning that 'when he is 8 he can have a sleepover, the other mum says" I am cross now. I tell my son it is up to me to discern when he is ready for sleepovers.

I just feel they dont value my son well, rather the family seems to treat us as slightly disposable.

I feel if i don't 'pay back' playdates etc immediately my son is at risk of being treated as unimportant by his friend.

but i cannot keep up as i have less money, no car, less assistance as my husband has illness.

i confess i now struggle to have feelings of kindness towards the boy and this is terrible. he even behaves like he is superior to me i feel!

when my son got a new bike his first question was how much was it. i explained that this was irrelevant . but it examplifies the 'material value equals power and cudos' values the boy and his family seem to hold.

i have encouraged my son to be a friend to all and select others to play with but he says it is not the same if it is not his BFF.

I have told my son he is a good leader in play but he must learn to be happy to follow others too and compromise and follow the majority in the playground games sometimes.

but i don't know what else i can do. this family are in such proximity. they seem critical, negative, harsh and judgemental and condemning.

i want my son to receive the message from others that he is beautiful and loveable not expendable and only included socially depending on performance.

i worry they will det his hard won self esteem. help!!!! xx

I think you would be best advised to expand your DS's circle of friends. Have play dates with other children. Get your DS out to activities outside the school, where he can make other friends. (Sports, drama, cubs?)

Also, the excluding is a type of bullying. I would speak to the school about it.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem first. A lot of your post talks about you and your son negatively, which may be affecting your view of the whole situation.
People do suggest rearranging things to suit themselves better, if it doesn't suit you suggest you stick to the original arrangement.
Most people really don't judge financial position, disability etc. Play dates can be climbing trees, at the playground etc.
Perhaps try and be more positive yourself and things will appear better?

thats so great. yes widening circle of friends and activities definetely. and yes you may be right about my self esteem issues... my self image is poor when it comes to the school social scene. something to reflect on...i see a therapist which helps. i didnt realize i was being negative about son and myself! so funny . thanks for your honesty. you both have just saved me from spiralling. i have strong feelings of non-belonging due to my difficult start in life asnd i think i really fear my son feeling the same level of pain. i am projecting it onto him i think perhaps.

ps
the mother in question does not 'suggest' changing things she does it underhandedly. its so strange. i have never known anything like it. its very manipulative, she white-lies at times or just tells me of the changes right at the last minute when we are about to hand over children. so odd and disrespectful. will have to get firmer with her and risk ruffling a few feathers. her attempts to control are quite terrifying to me. it is so exhausting having to be so on guard in my communication with her.oh well, good assertiveness practice.

thanks again guys

xx

interestingly i have re-read my original post and cannot really find the phrases which i talk negatively about my son and myself. htink i am pretty balanced and praising o him...

would you be able to identify which phrases struck you as negative?

that would be interesting and helpful to me perhaps xx

Perhaps negative was the wrong word for me to use, lacking in confidence would have been better. We know that you are not well off, have a disabled husband, your son struggles socially, etc from your post. However none of these may be relevant to the situation. Your son's friend may be bullying. His mother often changes arrangements at the last minute which is annoying. But there is a good chance all your background information is irrelevant. The mother may just be disorganised. She smiles, she may be perfectly nice! Please try and feel more positive about yourself.

You have low self esteem.

You need to turn down some of the play dates with this boy. It's very common for boys this age to fixate on one friend (I expect girls do it too but I only have boys!) Both mine did it and had others do it to them - it's normal and the boy will get bored and move on to other friends soon.

You seem to see you and your son as being socially inferior to this friend and his mother describing her as white and middle class and issues around money and status. Are you sure you are not projecting these things onto this family as you yourself feel inadequate in comparison.

I cant comment on how they treat you but if you find them cold, calculating, judgemental then why is it so important to you for your son to continue with this friendship. You portray them as having such a hold and dominance over you both but it's down to you. If the changes are not convenient for you say so, they must know some of your family circumstances. Be proud of yourself and your family and don't let it worry you if people have more material possessions and if this family is judging you for not having the same status as them then they are not worth knowing.

To an extent, I think you need to step back and let your son choose his own friends. After all, you can't keep them apart at school, where they spend most of the day together. At one point my DS1 (age 5 or 6 at the time) was friends with the naughtiest boy in the class! He was a real handful. I can't say I was delighted about it, but I accepted it and never said a word against this other boy to DS1 - I think that criticising someone they like is really confusing for them. Now they've drifted apart and his current best friend is basically a nice boy but very competitive and can be quite unpleasant if he is losing at something. I don't like this aspect of his personality, but in other ways he is a good friend to DS1. My point is - this friendship is unlikely to last forever, and may turn out to have been a learning experience for your son.

The things you can do are positive - doing your best to raise your son with good values and high self-esteem, so that in time he will seek out people who treat him well. I realise you are trying to do all these things, which is great! Try to relax a bit and don't doubt yourself. I agree with other posters that you do come across as a bit of a worrier.

You don't need to encourage this friendship though ('paying back' playdates etc) just do playdates if and when you and your son want to. And I agree about widening his friendship group like Sanity suggests.

I think you are over thinking enormously.

I don't think anyone is thinking about your status in life as much as you clearly are.

If you simply don't like the woman either stand up to her or keep your distance.

You are over thinking & over analysing. Do what you can to develop a wider circle of friends so everything doesn't hinge on one child, or bin playdates. My youngest doesn't have many for various reasons but he has lots of activities etc & seems happy enough.

I think you are taking this all far too seriously and personally OP.

This other family are not obliged to cherish your son...he's just a wee boy that plays with theirs, that's all. I doubt they consider him at all beyond that. I know I don't get into depth considering the needs to my children's friends. I just let it wash over me, unless there is an obvious problem...which there really doesn't seem to be here.

They are guilty only of not being that arsed about you or your son, and neither do they have to be. You have it in your power to say no to arrangements that don't suit, and I doubt they would mind if you did.

I really feel these issues are yours, rather than theirs. Sorry. x

needs of my children's friends...

I agree that you am be projecting your own insecurities here on to this situation with your son. I could be that 'white, middle class' mother. I'm disorganised and often need/try to change arrangements late in the day. It doesn't mean I feel myself to be more important or superior. I'm just crap at getting places on time. If someone told me they couldn't change then I would accept it and work round it.
Also, in the nicest possible way, I think you may need to accept that to other people your son is not thatprecious. You admit that he is not the easiest of personalities to deal with. his welfare is paramount to you as it should be but not necessarily to others especially other children.
There is very often a more dominant one in any friendship, one who directs the play. Unless your son is unhappy with this i wouldn't worry too much.
As others have said, try and take a step back, keep an eye on things but try not to project your insecurities. Try and widen his friendships and remember this one is unlikely to last forever.

I second encouraging your lad to form new friendships and play with other children.
It must be heartbreaking to watch your son being excluded for fun (horrible behaviour, I agree - but very common), and I do understand that...but really...he needs to find other kids to play with, rather than hedging his bets soley with this one child.
The lad sounds a wee toerag...but rather than looking for him to take responsibility for your son's emotional wellbeing, you ought to be more realistic, and see that the lad is not an ideal playmate and urge your lad to look to other children for company, instead of feeling resentful that this seven year old child and his mum don't seem that bothered about recognising how precious he is.

You are looking for something that you are not going to get from this family, and quite honestly, you'll be hard pushed to find anywhere! The other mum's version of events could well be that her son has a clingy, needy friend that is hard work...and you would just have to accept that her perspective is hers to have.

Far better and more realistic for your lad to have other options, than look for them to put themselves out for your lad.

wow, you are all really generous wth your time and reflections. thankyou. you make me see it a different way.

i am feeling more relaxed about it all so cheers.

i wish you all well. xx