How much would you expect an older sibling to help out with a younger child?

[MatildaWhispers]

I have 3 children, two are primary school age and then I have a bigger age gap to my nearly two year old. I have always tried not to expect or rely on my older child/children to help out with the younger child as I do not feel that it is fair upon them to expect that.

However, it is getting harder not to ask particularly my eldest to help me out. It makes it so much easier to cook a meal if the toddler will sit any listen to dc1 reading her a story. dc2 refuses to go to the toilet alone, and it is again easier on me if my eldest can be persuaded to accompany dc2.

I feel guilty for wanting/needing this help from my eldest though. What do other people do in similar situations/how much help to you ask/expect an older sibling to give wrt the younger child/children?

I think a bit of help is fine to be honest. Children need to know that a house doesn't run itself. I never expect much from my eldest (aged 11) but I will ask him to read to his brothers while I cook tea, same of my 8 year old. I never expect them to change nappies, feed toddler or cook for the family but simple entertaining of younger siblings is fine imo as long as you don't do it ALL the time. 10 minutes of reading is good, it's great for them to practise reading anyway! I think it's important for everyone to muck in to a certain extent. However, the toilet thing for some reason I think is a parents' job. I don't know why really but I wouldn't expect my older boys to help in that department. Seems a bit too much of a parental role to me. It's a fine line really isn't it?! However I do expect my eldest to lay out the pyjamas for his brothers but I'd never expect him to put the little one to bed or anything. I think simple tasks are OK but not more 'caring for' roles if that makes sense?

they are not babysitters

I was the oldest of 5 when I was 11. I helped our. At 15 was taking them to school and cooking dinner due to a family problem.

I have siblings now under 4 and when I visit I do things for them like I would my own.

I babysat the other night and I put tea out for my 14 year old brother yet when I was that age I did it myself.

I'm just used to it. I dont mind doing it either.

Mt youngest (5) loves it when big brother (12) puts him to bed. It is not a regular thing but I think it helps with their bonding. Eldest is happy to do it.

I get ds2 & to a lesser extent ds3 to help out with ds1. Just things like finding something or sorting him out on the computer (after me ds2 is the person who best understands what ds1 is saying so has to step in to help DH sometimes for example).

But then I'll tell ds1 to take his brothers done sweets or whatever. So it's more (I hope) a family doing bits for each other. I wouldn't go as far as getting then to bathe each other or anything like that.

If I am using ds2 as a second pair of hands when out & about I pay him (which he loves)

I resented being made responsible for my siblings, as when they messed round and made us late, I was the one in trouble. But a bit of entertaining is ok I think, as long as it doesn't creep into being responsible.

I had a ds of 12 & dd of 10 when my 3rd dc was born.

I made a conscious decision not to make the older dc care for the younger dc. They did nothing. I asked nothing of them & soon realised I had made the wrong decision.

Older dc are now 24& 22 .Dd is 12. Im exoecting another baby in January. I will ask dd to help out. Not making her do nappies but to hold the baby that sort of thing so I can do dinner/ make calls/ deal with other dc.

Its actually more healthy & 'normal' then older dc's not helping at all.

Balance is the key!!!

I think it's best to give everyone chores even if some of them don't actually you help out that much yet (because they're not good at doing them) - all your dc need to grow understanding that everyone in the family contributes to the running of the household.

There is nothing wrong with the TV babysitter whilst you're trying to cook though!

Mine are 14,12 and 8, and I do ask the der two to help, but it's things like putting his football boots on while I get my coat, or getting him a drink or something to eat if he can't reach. Dd is fab with him and will sometimes offer to put him to bed or in the bath

I was the eldest with a 9 and 10 year age gap between me and my siblings. I spent a lot of my preteen and teenage years looking after them and never thought anything of it. When I had my own dc I was already experienced in loking after babies and young children and so didn't have the same anxieties as my friends with newborns. I even delayed having children because I knew they would be all consuming and I wanted to do other things. I also took my maternity leave as soon as I could as I knew my time wouldn't be my own once I had children and I wanted have a bit of time to myself for the first time in my life.

5 and 1 year old here. I ask the 5yo to fetch a nappy, find a dummy, keep an eye while I nip to the loo but that's pretty much it. One time at soft play dd2 was following dd1 around and she came over and said she didn't want to look after dd2 any more. It pulled me up a bit and so I'm careful not to ask her to do that sort of thing. It is a fine line definitely.

I have 3 aged 12, 9 and 6. The older two often help out my youngest with getting things she can't reach such as cups, clothes hung up in her wardrobe, switching the shower on for her, etc, etc and they do it off their own back, if they see her struggling they help. I don't make them help her, it's automatic for them. In return though the 6 year old will happily help the older two carry something or, for example, if she's taking her clothes to put them in the washing basket and sees some of their clothes on her way she'll pick them up to save them having to do it. It's swings and roundabouts really.

that doesn't sound excessive to me at all. I think it's good for kids to have some responsibility. Obviously it can go too far though with the babysitting every night example......

My are 7, 16, 17 and 19. THe older ones often volunteer to do stuff with him. If one of them is going in that direction, they will offer to take him to school. They take it in turns to pick him up once a week, and go to the park with him. They often take him cinema, although thats because they want to watch the movie themselves, but don't want to go alone lol, in case they are seen by mates. They babysit him. Sometimes bath him, do the bed time routine. When he was younger they would read to him. Spend hours playing lego, although the eldest has been known to still play when the youngest has left the room.

My dc's are odd. They like spending time with each other. THe older ones often do stuff together, and they think it's mean to exclude the youngest.

Thanks. I think it is a really fine line between what is too much (and could make the older ones resentful) and what is not enough (and so will maybe mean that they grow up with less of a sense of the importance of everyone helping out/community (if that makes sense).

It's great that some have older children actually enjoying spending time with younger ones, that doesn't happen so often in my house but maybe will do as my youngest gets older (fingers crossed anyway).

Btw the accompanying dc2 to the toilet, dc1 doesn't actually help out by actually doing anything practical to help out, I just mean that I persuade dc1 to go also and they just chat together - it's just for moral support as dc2 doesn't like venturing upstairs alone. I certainly agree that getting involved in changing nappies is totally inappropriate.

I also have two primary age and a two year old. The older two are expected to keep an eye on DC4 if they're in the garden or similar, but nothing that requires real responsibility.

They all like playing together and if they do get irritated by being asked to fetch a glass of water then I explain that as part of a family they are expected to carry out some chores.

I'm suprised at the idea that getting involved in nappy changing is considered "inappropriate". It's one of the things my 8 year old DD really like doing (but wet only!) she can be (dependent on mood) quite motherly and also loves putting the youngest to bed and reading her a story - although I'd never ask her to do that

Oh you think nappy changing is ok.....well I guess maybe if your dd is really keen on doing that it is different. In my case I usually need to persuade my eldest to help out with these kinds of chores and in that context it seems wrong to try to get dc1 to do that.

I am intrigued how some families make this work wonderfully well & consistently and for others it's impossible beyond a bare minimum (nearly impossible for us). I know that with some families they are raised in a very much "Us vs. the world" kind of way; that's how the family sees itself. I'm sure it's possible to raise your kids in a more positive way & yet still be loving & helpful to each other, but I didn't manage it.

lljkk don't get me wrong - we are not living some Walton's idyl, every bit of "help" is countered by a melt down over broken Lego models, lack of privacy in the bathroom or complaints that the youngest gets everything her own way

I think it's a fine balance. I agree it shouldn't be 'on tap babysitters' but I think everyone who is part of a family should grow up with the concept of helping each other out when you can, and understanding that time is finite, and if they want you to do x,y,or z with them, then that time needs to be created by somebody else doing a,b, and c.