DH leaves early, home late, doesn't see DD!

[FirstTimerWally]

Anyone else have this situation? DH leaves for work at 6.50 when baby and I are still sleeping. He gets home at 6.45pm. We tried keeping her awake so he could do her bath and bottle but she is just getting overtired so I'm now doing her bath at 6.15-6.30. But by the time DH gets home she's pretty much in bed or just finishing her bottle. I'm worried he won't get to see her and that she won't get to know him except at weekends. Has anyone got any advice or experience? Is this going to harm their relationship? Am I worrying about nothing? He does do her 10pm feed and helps with preparing the bottle, re-settling her or changing her nappy overnight. She currently gets up once. She is 18 weeks. Thanks!

No advice, but same here. Dh out at 6 am and never home before 8.30 in the eves. This week he has been home at gone 11pm!

However, he will call on his way home from work and makes
up for it at weekends with family time.

We're pretty much the same Dh only sees the dc for around 30 mins a night during the week.

Weekends are a different story that's family time and he more than makes up. Children adapt and that will be her routine

If it always going to be the same, which unless he gets a different job then it will. Your dd won't miss out she'll benfit from the family time all spend together.

Plus as she gets older she'll be awake later.

No advice but in a very similar position myself. OH usually doesn't get home until gone 8pm and either works Saturdays or goes out all Saturday to his hobby. I bring The baby into bed with us in the morning so he can have a quick cuddle before he goes to work because otherwise he would barely see her as she's almost always asleep when he gets home. She's 14 weeks and I'm finding the fact that I'm entirely responsible for her without a break all week a bit hard going but there's not a lot you can do when they're out at work is there? At lest your DH is trying to do his bit when he IS there from the sound of it, cuddles are my OH's entire contribution to parenting at the moment, he's just not here enough to do anything more

Similar situation here - leaves at 6am, home at 8pm.

Our son is now 6mo and the bond between them is so lovely to see - definitely hasn't harmed their relationship. My husband is like a boy on Christmas Eve every Friday night knowing he will see his son the next morning and the look on our son's face when it's his Dad's face poking in the cot on Saturday morning is fantastic!

I know that my husband misses him during the week and that it would be easy for me to forget to tell him little things so I send an email to his work every afternoon with a little update about what we've done/something our son might have been able to do a little better than before, and I attach a photo of him from that day as well. Just so he doesn't feel like he's missing out too much.

I think that's quite normal. If he's hands on at night and weekends that's great and as she gets older she'll be awake to see him more in the evenings.

Hi there. I was in this situation for 2 years with DS1, except DH didn't help with night feeds or re-settling so even less contact! It's hard, not least because it makes it a very long day for you and you can feel that you're doing everything yourself with no support.

My way of dealing with it was making sure that whenever DH had an opportunity to be involved with DS, I made sure he was, and preferably without me there so that they could bond properly, so weekends and holidays, he spent loads of individual time with him.

This was quite hard for DH, as there was an element of "weekends / holidays are for resting" but he accepted it was necessary if they were to have a relationship.

DS1 would still always come to me first if he was upset/hurt but there's nothing to say that wouldn't be the case anyway!

My DH barely sees our DC (age 4, 6 and 7) during the week, but he has a really strong relationship with all three of them. Honestly, it's quality not quantity.

My dh used to work away in the week, he just made sure that when he was at home he really was at home for the dcs. It was fine. He has worked in various places, worked in an office leaving before they got up and coming home after bedtime, working away, working form home so being there all the time. Each have their good and bad points really. Children do just fine regardless so long as they feel secure and loved.

You are getting a lot of very useful and relevant comments here, and if I can add my tuppence...
You are both in this for the long haul, and there will be lots of time over the coming years for him to be a hands-on father and partner. He's made a very good start!

Thanks everyone, I knew we wouldn't be the only ones in this situation! Your advice is much appreciated.

Greta, it's so good to know it hasn't harmed and if anything it seems the bond is even stronger because as tumble said, it's quality not quantity.

It's been hard to convey how physically and mentally hard it is being solely responsible for DD to my DH. I'm with her virtually all day, 7 days a week. I try to get out for a few hours at the weekend and leave them together for some space. His view is he'd love to spend more time at home. Whereas sometimes I think I'd love to go to work just for a responsibility break, as much as I love her!

We did have some arguments about him not doing enough when she was really little and to be fair to him he does help a lot more now. He's so good with her, I just don't want her to become only used to me.

All good advice above but just want to empathise with you about the 'total responsibility' thing. It is exhausting. I am in same situation: DH out from 0650 - 1900 every day and so usually sees DS for 30 mins in the morning and 10 mins at night if we are lucky. He is great at weekends and makes up for it but I do find basically being like a lone parent all week utterly exhausting. DS is 10mo and a very spirited baby who is always into some sort of mischief and I literally don't sit down all day apart from his 30 min mornin nap and 90 min afternoon nap (although I spend a good chunk of each clearing up the mess he has made!!).

Am looking forward to going back to work PT in December for a rest...!

And then there's the fact that I hardly get to see/speak to DH myself. By the time DD is settled and we've (hopefully) managed to eat, I usually head to bed by 9.30 in anticipation of the night feed and he will doze on the sofa until her 10pm feed.
Tonight it's just me as he's away with work and won't be back until 11am. Have so much more respect for single parents!

It's sort of nice to know other people are in the same position, it's quite lonely being on your own with a baby all day every day. I'm so lucky my mum lives close by or I'm not sure how I would cope.

I agree that it's quite hard on your relationship too, not only because you never see your partner but because by the time you've been up half the night feeding the baby, run around looking after them all day, put them to bed then your OH gets home then it's running around after him making dinner, washing up...by the time I sit down its 10pm and I've got nothing left. I don't have anything to say because all I've done is babysit and clean all day. Because I just spend all my time just caring for other people I feel a bit like a machine, I'm just going through the motions and the very few hours we actually spend together we don't really spend together anyway - he watches tv and I mumsnet because we're both too knackered by then for anything else. Does it get any easier?

Purple, it does get easier - I've noticed a massive difference since my youngest turned 3 (I realise this may seem a long way off to you, but it will come quicker than you think!).

In the mean time, how about having one evening per week when you switch off the TV and the laptop and have a proper chat?

Phew well thanks for that ray of hope! Perhaps we'll have something to actually talk about when she's a bit older too because as adorable as she is, at 14 weeks the answer to 'how was your day' is a bit: she ate, she slept, she dribbled, she cried, she ate, she gurgled, I did the washing up...' Not scintillating conversation!

From the other perspective, I am a full time teacher, leave the house at 7am and get home at 6pm. My DH is SAHD and has a wonderful relationship with our 18 month old. My son and I LOVE the weekends, and the holidays are pretty amazing too.

Similar for us - but we've now adjusted our (very loose) routine so DS wakes up at 5.45-6ish, then I feed him while DH rushes to get ready and then takes the baby for 45 mins to an hour while I go back to sleep. DH wakes me up with a bowl of cereal and some tea, heads off to work eats breakfast at the office.

It's worked out really well for us - DH gets to see DS when he is happy and they have their special time. Before, when DH would only see him at night if at all it was a bit stressful, as either DS would be tired and grumpy, or otherwise he'd get really excited about daddy being home and was then hard to settle. It does mean that I get tired out sometimes by having to do the whole evening routine alone, but at least with DS in by by 7 I have some time to relax and eat dinner as a couple!

No advice I'm afraid dh leaves at 7.30am and is nack 9pm. Sucks.

My husband works away during the week so I take care of our three kids during the week on my own.

I do kick them all out to the park for a few hours every weekend to regain a bit of sanity. As my youngest is a night owl I try to get up an hour early on week days so I can have a cup of tea and check my email in peace.

Yes I had this. Eventually we got to the stage where dd was awake long enough for him to read her a story before bed, then later bath and story. He did the majority of the night feeds just to see her.

I bet there are lots and lots of people in this situation. My dh doesn't get home till 7.30 at the latest.

purplemonster i know what you mean about feeling like you have nothing interesting to say to your OH in the evenings...I think 3-4months is a difficult time cos the novelty of having a baby has worn off a bit but the relentless hard work hasn't gotten any easier.

It was around this stage that I felt like I had really lost myself somewhere along the line (I also had PND so probably suffered worst than most, but I think the general principal is the same....you need to remember that you're a person as well as a mummy!). What I found really helped me was forcing myself to spend half an hour every day doing something that I enjoyed, and which I would have done Before Baby.

For me, I work in media relations and am a bit of a news-hound. Used to read all the national papers every morning at work. Obviously, there's not a lot of time for sitting around reading the papers as a new mum, but around 4mo I made a special effort every morning when DS was awake and happy to put him in the baby bjorn and walk to the corner shop at the end of my road and buy a copy of the "i" newspaper from the Indepdent which costs 20p. DS enjoyed the walk and seeing the shop assistant at eye level, and then I VOWED to myself that I would find 20 mins to flick through it later in the day: either whilst DS napped on me, or if I managed to get him down in his cot, or maybe if we went for a walk in the afternoon and he fell asleep in the buggy, I would sit on a park bench and whip it out for 10 mins before he inevitably woke up.

This made me feel a bit more connected to the world, rather than just being trapped in 'mummy land', and then it meant I sometimes had something to say to DH in the evening which was not about the colour of DS's poo, or the length of his naps etc etc. Even just being able to say "Hey, did you see that story this morning about Kim Jong Un/that skateboarding dog, that footballer's record transfe" made me feel a bit more human. If current affairs is not your thing you could do something different: a set-in-stone weekly walk to the library to choose a book for yourself, and vowing to read 10 pages per day? Sky Plussing a drama series and watching one episode per day whilst LO naps on you? ANything to have some escapism from being mummy.

Purplemonster, how does your DH feel about backing off from his Saturday hobby a bit? If he has to work that's one thing but it would be nice to have as much weekend time as possible as a family, or even where you get some time to do your own thing. It is relentless at that age. In my case my DH was out 7-7 all week but made up for it at weekends.

DH works long hours and then works away, so sometimes doesn't see the DD's for 10 days on the trot. This did have an effect on the relationship when they were babies, as they were used to me handling them 24/7. But since they have got older (5 and 2.7 yrs now) their bond with him is just as strong as with me. Are you going back to work OP? I found it got easier when I did.

We have sort of the same here ... DH leaves at 7.30 am home anything from 8pm to 11pm but well after DD's bedtime. But, DD is an early riser (yawn), so DH does look after her from 6am-7am most mornings while I snooze a bit.

As your baby gets older, you will be more able to adjust her routine without her getting overtired, so you may be able to have a later wake up time/later bedtime once she is older, or an earlier wake up time so she can see daddy before he goes to work.

Purple why do you run round after your DH when he gets home... he should do half the dinner cooking/clearing up). And I agree the saturday hobby should be ditched (or at least cut back a lot) until dc are a lot older and easier to take care of. At this stage it is hard hard work and should be all hands to the deck, not you doing everything and him being looked after.

I know baby is young atm so routine probably not set in stone but what could work well is aiming for a longer afternoon nap eventually.

So instead of 1-3pm, try 1-4pm, then a later bedtime of 8/8.30pm. That way when your husband is home he can spend a few hours in the evening with child, and you can all eat together at say 7pm. You also get some free time in the day as baby is napping for a few hours in the afternoon. A 1 year old averages 14-15 hours sleep in 24 hrs. When that isn't doesn't matter.
It also means at the weekends you and husband get a few hours alone together in day