Mum friend competing & it's ruining friendship :-(

[mummy2lola]

Hi there, I need some advice from some fellow mums!!!
I've got a really good friend who I think the world of & we both have daughters around the same age ( my dd is 2 months older)
We were pregnant together & used to have a great laugh & enjoyed our babies together etc- it was lovely.
Sadly, I'm in a difficult position whereby the friendship has become so strained due to her competitive ways, and me being the only one working at tge friendship. Here are some examples before you give advice...

• everything I buy for my dd, she takes a lot of time trying to get the exact same... And I mean everything.
• we had the same pram & I brought a lighter one because I'm quite small & a week later, she's got the same. When I broke my chasis I brought a new different one for the same pram, and she goes out of her mind trying everywhere to find this specific thing so hers is the same. ** my dd had reflux when she was younger & had to be on SMa stay down prescription milk & she even said ' I'm going to tell my dr my dd has reflux so I can have free milk like you' **everything to exact bottles, spoons, dolls, footmuffs... She has a replica. It's not that I care so much about her having things the same, but I find it odd the extreme effort she takes in finding these items so she has the same. It was flattering to begin with, but it's become wearing to the point where I dare not mention what I'm getting my dd for Xmas etc. if I've got something she hasn't she says ' ooh I'm getting one of those' I got a new car, she says ' ooh I might get a new car'.... It's tiring! ** I've tried complementing her on things she has that I don't, so she realises I'm not up for competing & I admire her tastes etc, but it's not worked. ** milestones- I never brag about my child, or her achievements, but if asked I answer honestly what she does/doesn't do, but this is used as an excuse to say her dd does one better. Walking, eating, speaking... its all conpetitive, and makes me feel crap about all the time i take helping my dd learn stuff. I always compliment her dds achievements, but if my dd does something amazing, she never does the same.

We used to live around the corner from each other, which was lovely & I always used to go to hers, which I didn't mind. I've since moved about 15 mins away, and if we want our daughters to play, she'll never come over here, I have to do the running around. Even when I lived 5 mins away, she only came over mine twice.
When I do drive over there now for a catch up, I literally sit in get house whilst she's cleaning different rooms, and wonder why I bothered even coming over. Sometimes I even join in cleaning to help her by putting the Hoover over etc.

I love my friend to bits, but hate how competitive she is- its ruining a great friendship & I don't know how to help her see she doesn't need to compete with me- I'm not that type of person!
We used to have such great laughs and ring each other all the time if we didn't get to catch up, but she can't wait to get me off the phone, and the other day when she thought I'd hung up, she hadn't hung up & was running me down to whoever.. I was so hurt, because I put so much effort into this friendship.

She always makes out that I have such an easy life because in a stay at home mum & she works, and uses her 2 teenage children as excuses not to come to mine, or go out anywhere- everybody literally has to go to get house, or you don't see her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've mention all these things to her in the nicest way possible, but she blew her top like I'm being unreasonable. I just think this friendship has become very one sided with me making all the efforts.

Advice please ...

Well just leave it and it'll fade away. You're not getting anything out of it, neither is she, move on...It's a shame, but make new friends.

I know- its a huge shame

All relationships in life can change at any time particularly when people's situations change and often we hold on to relationships where we have obviously grown apart because we are holding on to how things used to be. Your friend is very possibly copying you and competing with you because she is insecure and possibly using you as a stick to beat herself with - if she thinks you have it all then she is justified in feeling resentful about her life and not putting 100% into your friendship. Unfortunately she is only spiting herself as she is driving away a good friend. You don't need to ditch her but I think it would be a lot healthier for you to keep her at arm's length for the time being - don't call her as often and if you do arrange to meet - pick a neutral territory not her house or yours then at least if she does turn up it's fairer on you and she won't be distracted. You need to surround yourself with people who value and support you for your own wellbeing and sadly this girl may not be worth your efforts anymore.

I think the most difficult thing here is that you probably already know (having written it all out) that the friendship is over. You have done all you can, but your friend is not reciprocating. There isn't really anything you can do, to change her, any change is going to have to come from her and I don't think you can influence that.

I had a friendship like this. Super close and awesome when we were both at uni and lived 5 minutes from each other. Then when life took us in different directions it was me making the effort all the time and when I stopped doing that it just fizzled out.

Very hard to take because of what I know it was before, but in the end a friendship has to be a mutual thing. And especially because it sounds like your friend makes you feel like shit, that's just not worth it. It's really hard to let something like this go, but you'll be better for it and hopefully can invest some of your energy into other or new friendships who will appreciate you.