Lonely mums out there? Anyone?

[igirisu]

Hello, i am a 22 year old first time mum from Warwickshire, really enjoying being a parent but feeling very lonely. My partner works all day and then does carework after, he has lots of hobbies that keep him very busy and out of the house, hobbies me and my son are not involved in.

I moved away from all of my friends and family to live with my partner so during the day i am very isolated, i have been to the childrens centre local to me a couple of times and have found everyone quite cold and rude (mainly the staff), at first i thought it was me so i made extra effort to talk to women to be ignored, i'm not the most confident person in the world but i have been really sticking my neck out so my son can have some little friends.

My son is really teething so spends a lot of the day crying, sometimes a smile from a stranger (or ofcourse my son) is all i need to remind me i am doing a good job and keep me going

Has anyone else experienced this or does anyone have any advice?

Does your partner know how you are feeling? Sounds like you've given up a lot to be with him, and he sounds very busy. Could he do a bit more to help you settle in the area? What about his friends and family?

There must be other playgroups, classes etc you could try locally? What about speaking to you health visitor - they might be able to suggest some.

It can be difficult sometimes, but keep at it!

I think you should talk to your partner too. Let him know how difficult you find things.
I think it helps to follow your own interests where your baby's concerned. Don't make yourself go to mum and baby/the centre's if you don't enjoy it. I like watching films and reading and take my DS to odeon newbies (pretty cheap £2.50 for us both) and to story time at the library or waterstones. I also like just going out for coffee and we go to a local cafe pretty regularly. I try not to commit to a schedule so we just go whenever we feel like it. Have you looked up mumsnet local for meet ups?
Do you get time to do some stuff by yourself?

Have you checked out your local library to see if there's any rhyme time sessions they run? Or your local leisure centre for soft play or swimming sessions? Keep trying with other mums, even at places like the playground. I often find complimenting the ther mums child a good conversation starter "oh i love your little boys jacket, where did you buy it from?" Don't be afraid to suggest exchanging numbers or suggesting a play date.

I know how you feel - I live in a Warwickshire village and felt very isolated in the early days. I felt I ought to be making mummy friends but if was so much harder than I had anticipated. I always felt too knackered for small talk and Mums just weren't very friendly and the odd ones who were always seemed to be the ones you never saw again. All I would say is please don't put too much pressure in yourself to be sociable and have lots of friends. Just take things a day at a time - check out local press for things going on - "Toddle About" magazine is very good if it covers your area and you will see that thee are lots of options besides children's centres. I found it better when we were doing an activity such as baby massage, swimming or a music group as there was less pressure to make conversation and I could just enjoy being out of the house. In days when I felt tired I would just go to the shops or the park - I found that just getting out if the house gave the day a better vibe.

My partner also has a lot of hobbies (why do we give up everything and they give up nothing!) and also works shifts but I made a point of writing "family day" in the calendar one day a month when I knew he was free and that day was set aside for us to go out and have some family time. If I didn't do that it wouldn't happen. I still get days when I feel isolated but if has got better now dd has got older and can do more and I've stopped beating myself up about not being Miss Popular and just try to enjoy my time with dd. Keep communicating with your partner though, he needs to know how you're feeling so he can do more to give you a break. Hang in there it's not forever xxx

I was also isolated when DS was born and had no family in the area. What helped me was discovering our local NCT bumps and babies coffee mornings, where we met a lot of lovely new mums and LOs. I'd def check it out in your area if I were you. It does get better though. I remember it well, and when your DS gets older you will find there are more and more things available to take him to - groups, parks, soft play etc. Also do try to talk to your DP about it. X

Oh yes, moved to a new place when dd was very small, spent two years trying to meet people, would try and avoid doing that again! I do think you should talk to your dh about being around more/including you into activities and keep trying with the playgroups, sometimes people warm up when you are regularly there. Even if it just gets you out the house the time passes a bit faster. I second the mumsnet local, another good way of meeting people.