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Parenting

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How do you cope in RL with people telling you where you are going wrong?

4 replies

lola88 · 08/10/2013 19:59

My mum likes to tell me what I should be doing with DS to get him to sleep/talk/eat not in a bitchy judgy way she is honestly trying to help but the advice is no good for DS.

The main thing is his sleeping he has never been a sleeper no matter what I have tried and will not sleep with any stimulation/distractions but she insist that if I leave him he will fall asleep on his own, the favorite is sitting him down infront of the TV with a bottle so he sleeps it has NEVER worked for her but still she goes on and on about it.

Talking - I need to push him to say more of his words he had about 40 but only says about 15 regularly I just leave him to it, DP isn't much of a talker and never was so I think he just takes after him plus he's 20 months so it's not like he's terribly behind

Eating - he doesn't eat well but is putting on weight and rarely ill so both GP and HV have told me not to worry to much so I don't, she swings between telling me to let him graze and feed him 3 big meals depending on what he's doing that day (some days he eats for the week) she also tell me to give him more milk and when I cave and give him it (he loves milk) she say he's not eating because of the milk.

She is also pushing for him to be potty trained fully as he uses his potty or the big toilet at home but is in pull ups outside due to not being able to hold it for more that 3 or 4 mins and getting very upset when he's wet, I've explained after discussing with GP we think he's mentally ready but not physically developed enough for full blown training again he's 20 months so ahead of the game anyway I don't see any reason to push him I think it will be to stressful for him until he has better control.

Sorry that turned into a full blown rant but how do you all deal with well meaning advice? I find it easy to shrug it off from strangers or friends but am very close to my mum and see her almost daily I don't know how to tell her to butt out without offending her and the constant 'advice' is making me feel like i'm failing

OP posts:
gretagrape · 09/10/2013 07:32

I get tons of input from my Mum but at first it did make me feel a bit defensive, until she said that she didn't mind if I didn't take her advice - she just wanted to put it out there and if I agreed with it then that was great but if I didn't she wouldn't take offence.

I tend to try out what she has suggested and if it doesn't work I tell her why, so she can see that I value her advice but this is why it didn't work on this occasion.

I'd say be honest with her about how the advice, even if well-meant, makes you feel. You both love him and want the best for him - it's just a case of communicating openly and honestly (before it gets to the point where you snap at her) so she doesn't feel like a 'dismissed' older generation parent, but you don't feel like you're not getting it right.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/10/2013 08:45

If DP is not much of a talker sounds like Granny more than makes up for it Wink. Maybe there's your answer regarding DS - tell her you've got a handle on the other issues but she's welcome to help work on his vocabulary. Otherwise just nod and agree or ration time spent with her.

Ragwort · 09/10/2013 08:55

How old are you? I mean that in the nicest possible way but it does sound as though your mum is totally over-bearing and not leaving you alone to bring up your own baby. Do you need to see her every day, I think you really need to detach yourself a little from her - surely it is not healthy for either of you to be so involved in each other's lives. Hasn't she got any interests of her own?

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KatyN · 10/10/2013 11:01

My mum often offers advice, some I take and some I don't. SOmetimes I just say that me an DH have decided to do something differently, othertimes I say that the current thinking is different to how it was in her day (potty training is a BIG one. she is shocked we aren't training my little chap at 22 months).

One thing that made a big difference was when I told her how much it stressed me out, her offering advice all the time. I realised (at about 6 months) that I found it really hard how everyone knew what was happening to my child and not me. so people would say 'oh teeth' or 'wind?' or whatever and I would just be battling through. When I explained this was a problem and it made me feel stupid, she backed off a lot.

Maybe try telling her you don't want to push your baby and are happy with his current development. Surely she's trying to be helpful.

k

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