Bad behaviour in the evenings - DS2 aged 4 1/2

[Leo35]

Hi, I was looking for advice and survival stories in coping with strong-willed 4 and half yr old who's behaviour is vile in the evenings. He has started Reception, and he is tired, so we are prompt with bath-time and bedtime, but not prompt enough obviously. We follow through on threats to confiscate things, remove privileges etc. We encourage good behaviour with praise.

He unconsciously (subconsciously, I don't know) makes the situation worse with more bad behaviour (hitting us, trying to slam doors on us) or name calling, and ignoring chances to calm down. Kind of in for a penny, in for a pound attitude. My DH sat it out by ignoring him this evening, while DS1 read to me, and he did calm down. It's a long process though.

I suppose what I'm asking is what other methods did MNers in the same situation use? What worked the best? Or is it the time-honoured thing of: they'll just grow out of it? If latter - when?!! Could we side-step the whole thing by doing something different? Or are we just going to get it in the neck for sending him to school (where he is v. well behaved and appears to be enjoying the day)?!

IME starting reception is a trigger for worse behaviour as its such a huge change, they are generally quite tired as well from the change as you mention. Maybe try bringing bed time earlier or wind down a lot earlier by finishing dinner early then having early bath and bit more time for quiet stories or other calm activities eg puzzles.

Ds1 is 4.9yo and started Reception a few weeks ago too - his behaviour is also worse in the evenings than it has ever been before. He is usually well-behaved and respectful, but has been interrupting and shouting over me when I've been trying to tell him to do something, like come to the table for supper, or to come upstairs to get ready for bed. Tonight I put him on the naughty mat (not very pc name for it, I realise - should have called it 'time out' when we instigated it but too late now!) and told him it was because he was being rude to me and I wouldn't tolerate him shouting at me, even if he was tired. He was tearful and said sorry and his behaviour did improve. The naughty mat has always worked really well for him though - I know it doesn't work as well for every child. Is there a consequence for bad behaviour that he will really try to avoid? Telling him in advance of any bad behaviour, ie when he is still behaving well, that being rude to you will result in x or y, might either help him think twice about it, or at least not kick off as much to the punishment, as he has been warned about it beforehand. Also, ds1's behaviour is much worse when he is hungry, so I always feed him something as soon as we're home from the school run. If he is especially tired or whiny, then I sometimes put a disney dvd on so he can just chill on the sofa. Hopefully it will get easier as they get more used to the long days!

I think punishing a child for being exhausted is pretty harsh, to be honest. If he's only 4.5 and it's affecting him this much I'd take him down to half days for a while, or part of the week. Children don't enjoy being naughty and in trouble and generally hate losing control of their behaviour. DD is 4.4 and only does half days and she's still shattered by Friday.

I'm a teacher and know lots of parents say it gets better after half term especially if you give them a chance to chill and recharge during half term. Hope things start to get better, you're all going through a massive transition and it's exhausting for everyone.

My dd was only just four on trashing reception in September. She has also struggled with her behaviour after school, largely through tiredness. I make sure that she gets tea as soon as we get though the door, and don't ask much of her- she either watches tv or plays with her toys until bath time at six. Then teeth, story,bed by 6.45. I have also made no plans for half term, we will just chill, with the odd meet up with friends.

I keep the routine solid and ignore the whinges and complaints - not easy sometimes, but seems to work!

Aargh, she STARTED reception, she didn't trash it! Well, I don't think so........

Ah I realise I sounded a bit harsh talking about punishments when they are tired. I'm not actually very harsh on ds1 and I try to do everything possible when he's tired to avoid a scenario where he could get frustrated and end up behaving badly. We always have food when we get home from school and often curl up with a dvd if he's especially wiped out. But there are sometimes occasions when he does get overwrought and is rude to me and behaves badly, and I do think he is old enough at nearly 5yo not to simply get away with rudeness because he is tired. If I have had to tell him off I do always say "look, I know you're tired" and make allowances, I just wanted to make the point above that I feel you still have to stand by your own values and those that you have taught your dc, and still give the message that those values and standards don't just go out the window when they are tired. Ds1 knows he can make his point and I will listen without him having to shout over me.

Thanks for all the replies. We do let him do his own thing through the late afternoon & evening; TV, drawing, playing with Lego, garden available to run int, etc I do post-school snack and serve dinner usually around 5.30.

I noted your comment on not asking much of your DD Olivo, I think that DS2 asks more of himself in the sense that he wants to keep up with DS1. Who, it has to be said, enjoys lounging in front of the telly and drawing - it's not high octane in our house late afternoon! All errands are done, it's a time for them to relax.

Zuleika - I see what you are saying about punishing them for being tired, and that is what probably prompted the post. The confiscations etc, have happened when he has gone too far: slamming a door into DH, peeing all over the bathroom floor on purpose, hitting and jumping on DS1. Nevertheless it's not a situation that anyone is enjoying.

I checked with his teacher this morning and she said that he is very well behaved in class, she said he was "patient". I wonder if he latter comment is the key: he has done 'patient' for the day and we don't get any more?

I will bring his bedtime further forward, which works as long as he doesn't keep himself awake to check that DS1 has gone to bed. I will keep a weather eye on his progress this week, and if needs be talk to the school about a half-day for a while.

Kittencuddles - thanks for posting. That there might be some sort of limit seems hopeful. We just have to keep on keeping on.

I definitely think that is the key , Leo - they are all 'patient-ed out' . And all good behaviour is used up for the day!!My older Dd is the same. Then we have to get her to do homework.......

My MIL told me that my dh's younger brother was boisterous after primary school, and she once said to him "why can't you be as well behaved at home as you apparently are at school?" He looked surprised and replied "but I can't be good all day, Mum!"