Going back to work after ML and feeling awful about it

[AHardDaysWrite]

Just that really...I will be going back to work next month when dd will be 9 months old. I'm a teacher and am going back full time - we just can't afford for me to reduce my hours, much as I would love to. I am very lucky in that my mum will provide some childcare so dd will only be in nursery 3 days a week, but I am still feeling sick at the thought of leaving her. She's still so small. I know I will have the school holidays with her and I will be home by 4 each day (I used to stay late in school to get everything done but am determined to get out of school on time now and bring my marking/prep home with me to do once she's in bed). I just still feel I'm going to miss out on so much of her babyhood, and I hate the thought of her crying for me and me not being there, even though I know she loves my mum and is going to a fantastic nursery. I would love to hear positive stories from mums who work full-time with little children - it's going to be OK, isn't it?

Yes OP, it will be ok. Being completely honest, it is a little tough at the beginning. on you mostly. However, you've done your very best to make sure your DD will be well cared for. She's with her GM for 2 days and like you say, in a very good nursery for the other 3. Also, you do have school holidays as well.

Your feelings are totally natural so don't discount them. However, try not to guilt yourself too much. You are doing your best, you can't do any more than that. She will be fine and so will you. Do as much as you can to prepare. Remember, it's only a short while until Christmas :-)

Yes, it will be fine.

I worked full time after having DS1 who went to full time nursery at 9mo and am just returning to work after DS2 who is just six months. (And I co-sleep and breastfeed, so I'm pretty physically hands-on as a parent in general but don't think it is incompatible.)

I also feel sick at the thought of it. But I know that it will be fine. We have no parental support nearby so no option for childcare apart from childminder or nursery. But it will still be fine. The nursery where both boys go is wonderful and they will never be short of comfort.

Yes it is true you will miss out on time with your children. That hurts. But the first time your child walks for you and sees the massive smile on your face is still a first. You will find ways of getting by. And you will enjoy some adult time. I love going to the toilet alone and discussing the news with colleagues.

And I find that working full time, I am
also personally much more patient and interested in my children than otherwise because I am aware that our time together is not as much as I would like in an ideal world. Every minute I spend with them is great and I really enjoy it. Although I love being on maternity leave too, the reality of some days filled only with nappy changes and toddler accidents means I am probably less patient and spend time looking hopefully at my phone to see what other adults have been doing. When I work and then spend time with the kids, I am very focused on them and make more effort not to let the weekends be wasted doing only chores.

Also, my DS1 is three and I met up with my NCT group the other day. Some are SAHM, some part time at work, some full time....and you wouldn't know which was which from the children. Everyone has pretty much the same worries about their kids and no path is easy.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. But I feel guilty about many things - the fact that DS1 eats so many fish fingers, the fact that I haven't taught him to swim yet and so on. That's motherhood.

Thanks both. Your posts have made me a bit tearful, but in a good way. Rubyroo, you're right that it will really make me focus on my time with her - I do sometimes take things for granted now (and like you say, spend time mindlessly checking fb/mn etc) and I know I will really appreciate my time with her and make it count.

She's still going to know I'm her mum, isn't she? She's not going to become more attached to people at nursery? [pathetic emoticon]

No, she will definitely know you are her mum! My DS1 has become attached to people at nursery (which is a good thing as it means he trusts them) but never as much as me. Not even nearly. They are part of his team that look after him. Only I am his mum.

And my DS2 is only six months and much less clingy than DS1 was at this age. But even so, his look of joy and relief whenever I enter a room makes me know that he absolutely knows me.

Your DD will be away from you for small periods of her life, which will be regularly punctuated by your return in a pattern that will be familiar to her.

Have you started settling in/dry runs with your mum and the nursery yet?

In my experience, the THOUGHT of going back is far worse than the reality. The first few weeks can be a bit tough until you settle into it. I found dd was happy as she was with people who wanted to play all day and did fantastic activities that I never would have dreamt of. And i was happy to have adult conversation and go to the pub on a Friday lunchtime.

The only real issue was that dd seemed to get every bug going in the first year or so and I was constantly called to collect her. I was lucky in that I could work from home (though my boss wasn't hugely impressed). If you are a teacher that isn't going to work though - so I would advise you to put something in place in case she can't go to nursery. Would your mum be able to help out with extra days in an emergency?

My nursery always did seem a bit trigger happy - ie one runny nappy and off for 48 hours. So I would be at home with a perfectly happy healthy baby who wanted to play, and I would have to work into the small hours to catch up. Saying that, after that first year she has very, very rarely been ill.

Ruby, I'm going to memorise that sentence: "Your DD will be away from you for small periods of her life, which will be regularly punctuated by your return in a pattern that will be familiar to her." Thank-you - I think that is really going to help me

Portofino - I am looking forward to adult conversation, I can't deny that. Just wish I wasn't going to be full time, but it can't be helped. DD has started spending time with my mum and will start nursery settling-in next week - I'm expecting her to get every bug going as you say, but my mum will do extra days if needed.

Thanks for your kind words everyone, they really do help.

Yes - I was a bit like that. But I was the main wage earner at the time and there was no helping it. FWIW, I am glad now as I moved up the career ladder and can manage my own workload/have a degree of flexibility that might not have been otherwise possible. My dd is 9 now and I am enjoying that I can clear off early to take her to Brownies and catch up on emails afterwards. Obviously this doesn't work for all jobs.

But I think of my good CV and my pension. And look at my happy, healthy 9 yo, who sees that women work and can have good careers. And the reality is the baby years pass like a flash, whether you stay home and wipe every bottom or not. No-one remembers.

Good luck settling in! I found settling in made me feel very guilty too but it's only a short time in the grand scheme of things. Remember if you feel very upset during that time that it does get better very quickly. DS1 found settling into nursery very difficult but he did get there. I wouldn't say he loved it straight away but I knew relatively quickly that it was a situation that would improve over time.

During one settling in session, I left DS1 at the nursery for an hour and took a walk. I was found sobbing in the clothes racks in New Look by an assistant who was deeply worried about me and kept offering to call someone to get me as I was so hysterically upset. I am a grown woman with quite a responsible job.

I found something that made things easier was having a long time to settle in so that the children really got to know the staff and they had all the tips/tricks for them. I did daily sessions with DS1 for nearly a month (my PFB ) and DS2 has had 2.5 weeks of daily visits.

Good luck and if you feel crap, come back and post again. And try not to end up weeping in New Look.