I'm starting to feel like I fail at being a parent :(

[kayteeuk]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here, I do come to the site every day (reading things I feel i could related too, recipes, news, reviews etc etc). Only now am I feeling brave enough to post this..

2 years ago my life was almost perfect. My kids were happy. All of them. I had almost no stress in my life. Now? I dont know where I have gone wrong :(

My 14 year old DD self harms, is constantly depressed yet refuses any help at all. She seems to have no friends, hates school, never leaves the house unless going to school. After the last suicide attempt (last year) we called on the help of social services purely because she refused any help via counselling and doctors and we didnt know where to go from there. They were NO help at all. They did an assessment on our family unit, wrote a report a few months later which basically stated 'no problems' and there would be no further need for them (!).

My 11 year old DS started secondary school last month and is hating it, none of his primary friends went to the school hes at and he begs me to move him to the other school. He cries about this, I have been summoned to the school to discuss how sensitive he is as he often cries at school too, he was questioned by his head of year and he told him he didnt want to be there, he wanted to go to the other school his friends were at. (he was extremely happy at primary school, had a very large group of friends...they even hung out after school but now these friends dont call on him or want him to hang out with them.

My 9 year old DD has no friends. Not 1 single friend. She seems happy enough, but says she gets lonely at school. We tried arranging for girls in her class to come over and play but they are always too busy or just simply dont want to come. I found out on facebook today that one of the girls in her class had a birthday party today, invited every single girl in that class apart from my DD (I found out by another parent posting photos). This isnt the only time this has happened. I also enrolled her into a few after school clubs but I didnt realise until after enrolling her that some girls in her class also go to these clubs (brownies, an art club and a dance club). Sooo she gets ignored and left out in those too.

So there we have it. At some point in the last 2 years I have missed something and I feel like im not fit enough to be a parent. My kids are miserable. I dont know what to do any more :( If anyone has any advise i would be really grateful.

Sorry to hear this. You'll get lots of good advice and support here so well done for posting. Firstly, do you know why your DD self harms? Was there a trigger that you know about?

You have not failed. Get that out of your head right now. These are difficult years and your kids are finding their way like all kids - you are guiding them as best you can.

My first thought was: why don't you send your 11yr old to the school he wants? What is the rationale behind that?

Secondly, your 14yr old DD. I really think you need to go back to the doctor and start kicking up a stink. She may be mentally ill or she may just need a different sort of help but she needs something.

Finally, has your 9yr old DD always been without friends or did it change at some point? Can you pinpoint when? In which case you might be able to establish a why and work from there.

Just some random thoughts but please don't beat yourself up; your kids are having a hard time at the moment. It's not your fault but you are being there for them and that counts.

Thanks for replying.

We dont want to send our DS to the other school for a few reason. It has a really bad reputation, the lowest grades in the county. Any kids in set 1 or 2 instantly get bullied. There is a whole 'gang' culture thing going on up there. Although they now have police outside the school gates every single day at home time and it has helped a small amount, it still isnt enough for me to want to send my kids there. Also, see below...

My 14 year old DD went to this school. She was there for 5 months and was bullied every single day. She was the type of girl that would be happy sitting reading and ALWAYS carried a reading book around. She had a total miserable time there. Then one day a group decided to ''get her'' after school, it ended up with her having a broken arm. Police were involved and did sort it, but the school told me that because it happened out side of school hours, it wasnt their problem and I should let the police deal with it.
We moved her to her current school, and they did give her counselling and some one to one time with the art teacher for about 6 months until she seemed happy and fine. and then 2 years ago the self harming and depression started. I take her to the doctor at least once a month but she always answers questions with ''dunno''. She started having counselling through camhs but after 2 sessions she point blank refused to go again.

As for my 9 year old, she had friends up until year 2, ever since shes had no friends. Her previous teacher once said in a parents evening that her class has the bitchest girls shes ever taught. There always seems to be friendship issues. The headmaster refuses to move my DD into another year 5 class ''just because she has no friends in her class''.

Blimey, you can see why people home school... Very for you all. Must be a helpless feeling.

I did wondered what the trigger was for your DDs low self esteem. Sounds like a real struggle.

With your DS, have you tried explaining to him what the other school could have been like?
Can you make a real effort with the other kids, having them for tea etc? I know when my DS was having a hard time settling in to new school people also suggested outside, non school clubs like Beavers and football to boost his self esteem and confidence at making friends, as the established 'gang' of boys he felt outside of was really daunting.

I'm sure others will have much better advice, but one thing I would say is, really impressing on your kids that you are a family team, and no matter what happens outside of it, you will always have each others backs is really important. Especially when kids are feeling disconnected elsewhere. Hope you get some good advice here.

Oh God this is tricky. I am throwing some thoughts out on the basis of what you've posted but I don't for a moment assume that I have any answers.

Do you think it is possible that your DS is refusing to try to settle into his new school in the hope that you might move him as you moved his sister? Could he resent his big sister or blame her for the fact that he didn't go to the school he wanted?

Has your 14yr old got any friends? Is there anyone who she confides in? You said about the Art teacher. Can she keep going to her?

Finally, have you sat down with the Head about your youngest? That's a pitiful response to a child's unhappiness. I can understand him saying no to moving her but he needs to put forward an alternative solution that will help her.

Just some thoughts; feel free to ignore!

I can't help with your older two..sorry, but for the younger one, move her. Definitely. Find another school. Loads of nice primary schools out there. I know lots of little girls who have moved at that age, and because of exactly that reason, and they've been so much happier afterwards.

Bump