I hate having to be a parent to ds1

[WinkyWinkola]

Everything is met with conflict, defiance, drama, back chat.

Every single request I make of him is a problem.

Hes 8. He's been like this for as long as I can remember.

He's had a year of counselling which saw some improvement but not much.

I find him exhausting and wearing. I wake up every morning just dreading having to deal with him. I go into his room bright, cheerful and breezy and he's still the same.

It baffles me because to be this way takes so much effort and energy - more than being pleasant.

He still doesn't seem to understand that there are consequences to his unpleasant behaviour. He seems genuinely surprised when we punish him for it.

My other dcs aged 6 and 3 understand consequences. He just seems to relish being as uncooperative and as unpleasant as possible.

At school he's an angel. On play dates he's amazing. We are all so relaxed and relieved when he's not around.

I don't get it. And frankly I'm so tired and worn down by it that I don't really care why he does it anymore. I am actually looking forward to when he is 18 and I can get him to leave the family home.

I know that sounds harsh but I challenge anyone to live with such hostility day in, day out for years and not wish it to end.

Winky I doubt she could tell you. Kids don't tend to know these things at a conscious verbal level.

What you are saying about bonding and power struggles may be part of this... and it would be likely that it would be at a level of development and awareness that he just wouldn't be able to access consciously. It sounds like it was a difficult and intense time and there were many issues. On some level these may have shaped what you see now but of course it's impossible to tell from words on a screen and I think you need specialist help to untangle all of this.

Up thread someone mentioned an organisation that looks at developmental and neurological differences in the child. You might also want to investigate the Anna Freud centre to be able to determine to what extent or not attachment concerns might drive some of these behaviours and also lead you to unwittingly maintain them with your own responses to difficult or challenging behaviour.

Did you look at the questionnaire I linked to? If you are in the South East the practioner I know is much much more reasonably priced than INPP. If they think they can help it can be quite a bonding experience working through the exercises with him...

Maybe some form of family therapy would be helpful for you? Again via CAHMS, so see your GP.

There is not point in crying over spilt milk/poor bonding or attachement at the start, but that does not mean that it cannot be addressed now.

It is interesting that his behaviour was better after some close physical contact.

My 'difficult' DS2 was premature and anger control/bevhaviour problems in preemies are more common. I just don't know how that information helps me day to day... .

Google "lovebombing" - a lot of it makes sense to me, but is of course not a magic bullet.

Got to be some kind of specialist help, although others appear to know more specifically who could help you. This sort of thing cannot simply be down to what you as parents are/are not doing. Also in this day and age I can't think that something like this could just be put down to "personality".

Just wanted to say you have my sympathy - sounds awful - and all the best.

Winky: do the nightmares have a theme? Does anyone know if it's common for kids this age to have regular nightmares? My kids are 10 and 7 and neither of them have nightmares anymore. So maybe there is something playing on his mind?

Sorry no advice but thinking of something you said earlier. Could the nightmare be related to the medication for wetting the bed OP? Have the nightmares started when the meds kicked in? May be unrelated to behaviour issues