2 small kids = death of relationship with partner?

[LittleCircus]

That's exactly what my fiancée said to me this morning. Our relationship is dead. Bit of a shocker to me tbh. Infact, heartbroken and deeply despairing (and crying into my toddlers neck crease) is more like it. My question is this: do you stay together for the sake of the kids? We have a 2.5 year old and a 14 month old and we had a great relationship before our kids. Now, tiredness and lack of sex has made a rather large break in our once very strong bond. My OH seems resigned to staying together for the purpose of raising a family, but does that work? I'm so upset and don't have any family or very close friends to turn to, can anyone advise what action they might take?

Poor you.

I was always told it'll get easier when the youngest is two, and I think it was true. We used to think we just got up, dealt with shit all day, ate a meal, when to bed, did it over again again etc at that stage too.

What he's said is harsh and hurtful, but I think he and you both need to give things a bit of time... The kids are very young and close in age and you do just have to give yourselves over for a little while IMO. That in itself is part of growing up and not expecting your life to be a big 'you' party all the time!
There's every chance it'll get better, but I also think you should ask him what he has done and you can both do to improve things before just declaring your relationship 'dead.'

You are at a really really difficult stage. And it's so hard.

What worries me about your OP is that it is naive in a way. DH and I knew it would be difficult, as did most of our friends, but the strong bond you have before you have DC should be enough to see you through this difficult time.

Talk, talk, talk, and try and retain some intimacy.

I'm no expert so hopefully someone else will be along.

Mine said same, word for word. We used it as a cue to put more effort into us, it was a bit of a wake up call for us both. Of course we stayed together, because we knew this horrid time wouldn't last and they would get older and we would get to go out again.

Can he not see that this is not permanent? Your kids won't be babies forever.

Oh little I understand how you feel.

We have a 3 year old and a 13 month old, and what someone above said about dealing with shit all day etc is pretty much how we feel a lot of the time.

It's bloody bloody hard work at the moment. The housework seems to have doubled, and the laundry tripled.

But, but...we had a conversation about this a few months ago when we got a night out (woop!) and had had a couple of drinks.

Our relationship is nowhere near dead (although our sex life is) but we are both content to let it ride for a while as, frankly, there's so much else to do and the daily grind sweeps everything else aside.

I do think your partner needs to take the long view and realise that there is no need to believe things won't get better again. But when the need for peace and sleep override sex and nights out together etc, I guess it might be hard to see that for some people.

Please have a big hug, we are all just a week of sleepless nights away from feeling like he seems to.

Really, long view. You must get him to understand that; show him this thread if you can bear it?

You need to take control, as tired as you may be, of your household. Your fiancee is scared but you can reassure him. No need to clean up the whole house, just clean up one room (the bedroom?) and suggest getting a take away after the kids are in bed. Sit down, be as cheerful as you can and give him a kiss and tell him the relationship isn't dead, that you still fancy him rotten, and that you're proud of what a wonderful dad he is.

Men often need encouragement and can feel terrible if they think the (sexual) spark has died. Your cheerfulness will go along way. Keep telling him everything's ok/going to be ok and that it's nonsense it's died. Remind him of old times and say you feel exactly the same. Even if he's still sad when you go to bed I guarantee he'll feel better the next day.

I think it's easy to underestimate how much work having young children can be and how hard it is to maintain a sense of you as a couple. Our relationship has definitely suffered and even now isn't what it used to be (our 2 are 3 and 5). However, they are both sleeping through (although we still get very early starts) and that helps a lot. We're both working like mad too and it seems that every waking moment in accounted for and once they are in bed we're too knackered to bother much with each other.

There is hope though and we did get a weekend away in London recently which was lovely. We resolved to have a little more time to ourselves and try to be a bit kinder to each other. I can be especially caustic when under pressure and I think he's not pulling his weight or being thoughtless.

It doesn't take two, one will do it.

What you really need is a little time together away from the kids to remind yourselves who you were before the babies arrived and why you got together in the first place but that can be hard without family or a reliable babysitter nearby to help.

Is there anyway you could afford a babysitter for an evening or an afternoon a week so you could get out of the house together (and resolve not to talk about chores or the kids)?

I agree with what others have said. It is not uncommon to feel like this. It is really hard work and you are at an exhausting stage with your children, it probably feels like life has been relentlessly tiring drudgery pretty much since your eldest was born, but hopefully it doesn't have to be the end and you can come through it. Things do get better. Another year or two and you will enter a whole new phase when it feels like your life is opening up again. Sometimes I think you just have to survive the difficult years together as best you can without losing all points of reference and togetherness in your relationship so that you have enough of a connection to pull everything back together once the most difficult years are over. You have to make an effort (hard as this might seem), small steps, small gestures, time together doing things without the children. Make the time one way or another, it is worth it to make both your lives happier.

What is the reason your fiancé believes the relationship is dead? I mean, I have 2 small kids (2.5 & 4mo) and I definitely feel often that my relationship with my DH is 'on hold'. But it's a very different thing to say it is 'dead', which seems to indicate something that is entirely separate from the kids.

Completely agree with above posters saying it IS difficult, but it's important to take time to yourself as a couple (a date night is wonderful, but it doesn't even have to be that, it can be 30 minutes snuggling on the couch when the kids have gone to bed), and talk talk talk talk and then talk some more.

LittleCircus, it's been three days, has anything changed since you posted? Let us know how you are.