Working full time - mother's guilt

[alikat724]

Sorry this may be quite long! I would like to ask for some hand-holding on this. I work full-time, fortunately normally 1 day a week from home, and DD (2 next month) is in nursery from 8 til around 4 or 4.30 when her dad can pick her up. I have a demanding job and although I now only do 9 to 5 in the office, I frequently take calls and log on outside work hours. But for this I am well-paid with great benefits and it just doesn't make financial sense for me to give up work, or look for a less demanding role where I would prob work almost as much, for less reward.

The problem is that I get home, usually around 6.15, and DD often rejects me, trying to hit me, kick me or refusing to be held; she wants to be put down by DH ("Daddy do it" for her bedtime bottle), although if I do take her up against her protestations, she settles very quickly and we have lovely cuddles. We breastfed at least 2 or 3 times a day until she was 18 months (bedtime, overnights and I expressed at work for her to have milk at nursery), this has gradually dropped off until just this last week she hasn't fed at all, and all milk is now formula or cow's.

I feel that she is angry at me for (a) deserting her and (b) for ending breastfeeding, and am seeking some reassurance from other working mums of older DCs, or even those whose own mothers worked. Please tell me she will still love me! (note plaintive desperation) Please tell me I am doing the right thing....?

I think it is normal for DC to go through phases of wanting one parent over another for certain things. Really, its not personal, its just one of those things.

On the subject of working, My mum and dad both worked fulltime when I was a child. I was actually talking to her about it yesterday. She has said that she sometimes wishes she hadn't worked as it was really tough for her with 4 kids, but for me she was a hugely positive roll model as I have grown up. Seeing her bring up four kids while working and also studying demonstrated what we are capable of and gave me the confidence to believe I could do these things too.

I don't have any memories of feeling like my parents didn't have time for me. I always knew I was loved and have always had a really close relationship with my mum.

I am also working and have an 18 month dd. I have no regrets about doing this as I believe I am just not someone who enjoys being at sahm and I think I am personally a better mum for going to work. Also it is my wage that pays the bills, rent, etc as I am the higher earner.

I agree with everything that Hear says. My mother worked and it didn't affect our closeness at all. I actually think I got a better deal that way - she wasn't cut out to be a SAHM to small children, I was looked after in the day by people who were more naturally suited to it so I had kiddy fun with them, and I still had lovely bedtime cuddles and chats with my mum. Also I really, really appreciate the things that her earnings gave me - not "stuff" but things like better housing and schooling and so on. And the role model too.

And I also agree that this is a phase - I know mums of 2 year olds who are going through a "daddy phase" even though they are SAHMs. I also know some who are going through a "mummy phase" and don't want daddy - but I don't see the daddies wondering if they should work less because of this

Sahm here.. 3 of my 4 so far have gone through phaed of preferring dh!!!

I work f/t and after bedtime till late 6 out of 7 nights a week but not so well paid, another thread and have 2.5 yo DS.

He's going through a daddy phase too. And it's annoying. But he is far better off with our wonderful cm who is an incredible childcare professional, whilst dh and I work to retain some security (eventually, we hope).

I've no doubt that this is the best situation for us. DS is not being harmed by it (the contrary, in fact). And I'm sure that both your dd and my DS will come back to a mummy phase again soon!

I work full time, as does my husband. Such phases are normal, no need for the guilt.

Similar here - dd is 26 months. Started full time work over the summer and the guilt was horrible.

I know she's fine. She loves her nan's, not so much nursery but she has a role model in me - we have to earn money to have nice things. I always tell her I'm earning pennies and when I spend or she comes shopping I tell her we're spending those pennies. I know she's only 2 years old, but I want her to understand and be able to do something that she enjoys (I love my job, also stressful but still enjoyable) and be able to reward yourself with nice things.

She is the opposite in the sense she's all about mummy rather than daddy. But that can be over powering sometimes for me. We're breastfeeding and she cut right down but now she's increased because she wants my attention. I'd actually like her to stop.

I have found that I do the same things with her that hopefully she remembers, so we always sing in the car on way to nursery or MIL (turn radio off and sing silly rhymes) It's our little silly 10 minutes together. When I pick her up we talk about her day etc. and I put phone away.

Are there things you can do to reconnect with her before or after work? Perhaps talk about a mummy and daughter day, swimming on sat morning?

Don't beat yourself up. You're doing a great job. Kids always favour one parent over the other and that can change each day / week / month. She doesn't understand punishment yet - perhaps she's attached to the DH because he is consistently picking her up each night.

I work part time but some full weeks. DS2&3 have had phases of this, not always related to how much I'm working.

Oh, just to add. You can totally take advantage of a daddy phase: poor DH had to do everything for DS as mummy isn't allowed! So mummy can drink tea and do lots of work instead!

I'm sure things will change soon, now that I'm making the most of it!

I understand the guilt - its hard. I have a well paid job, take work home etc but have scaled back since having my second. One thing always sticks in my mind - I won't regret working too hard when I'm on my death bed!

Do try and make more time if you can. Don't take it personally if dd doesn't want you. Stopping bf is also a sad time (I found anyway) but you can find new ways to connect with your dd. perhaps get your DH to go out once a week and you do bedtime. Also use the weekends to spend special time with her. That can be just playing with her on her terms, nothing fancy!

Have a long term view as well. What will you do when she's at school? Can you reduce hours to four days?

Same situation here more or less; I was off with ds (2yo) until he was 22mo then started work 4 days a week while dh looks after him. I haven't felt guilty per se (I was at breaking point by the time I stopped being a sahm I think) but ds has been very rejecting and it has been hard. Lots of "daddy!" at bedtimes, and after we moved house this week ds was stuck to dh like Velcro for a couple of days "cuddle daddy" "carry daddy". I guess he was feeling insecure but it hurt that I couldn't give him that reassurance.

From what I've heard though, it does pass and it is normal :) and as someone else said, enjoy the break before it's back to "mummy mummy" again!

My mum worked full time from the time I was very young and we have a fantastic relationship. I will be going back to work full time when my DD1 is about eight months.

For what it's worth, a friend of mine who is a fantastic SAHM to two girls under four has the same thing with one of hers - she is constantly being pushed away and told 'daddy do it' and says she feels it's because she's with her all the time and has to be the one to manage and discipline her, whereas her DH gets to be the 'fun' one. I guess what I'm saying is that it seems like it's a fairly common phase that lots of little ones go through and it's just testing boundaries and pushing mummy's buttons!

Thank you all, these are really positive messages and very supportive! Am so thankful to hear of grown children whose mums worked seeing it as a positive role model. I spend almost every waking moment with DD over weekends and have a great time and I cherish every moment, she will indeed have much better quality of life (home, school, security) than if I didn't work so I will just focus on helping her understand the value to it in the long run. Thanks again to you all!!

I work part time, and both girls have gone through phases of being Daddy's girls, and it being all about me.

I actually think that a role model of a working mother is incredibly important for girls. My mother worked full time, and I am much closer to her than DHs sisters are to MIL who was a SAHM.

At the end of the day it comes down to personalities far more than the number of hours you put in. ( I think)

being a working mother myself (4 full days per week) i honestly think what you do with the time you have with your children is much more important than the hours you actually spend with them!

my DD is with a wonderful CM when i'm in work and luckily my DP works shifts so is not there all day - a friday (the day i have off) is my day with her and we go to playgroup, park, or just chill in the house doing silly stuff - i do housework on a saturday morning when DP is with her, and the rest of the weekend is family time!

Just try to make sure the time you have together is quality time, do things as a family at weekends, play together or go for walks in the evenings. I too work ft and have done since ds was 10 months. When I feel like we are drifting a hit I book a day off and do something nice with him. It's usually behaviour I worry about rather than his reaction to me necessarily but it does play on my mind. In our house my poor dh gets it in the neck as ds is a mummy's boy. I try to give them some time together, just the two of them, doing something mummy doesn't really do like build ing train tracks.

I was also working full-time from when DD was almost 1 until I got pregnant and started maternity leave when she was nearly 2, now I am home and we have had the last 3 or 4 months together as timing worked out well for me and new baby still not here yet. She is all daddy, daddy, daddy though these days and I am enjoying it as it gives me a break and also gives him a boost. Before this he felt a bit superfluous as I was bf and she wanted me more. Now he rolls his eyes when she is again shouting for him and trying to make him do something with her but he clearly loves it!

Of course she will love you and you are being an excellent role model. My own mother stayed at home for years to look after us and did a great job of it, but admits that a part of her wishes she had concentrated on her own career more and not lost herself so much in motherhood.