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Parenting

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Original poster

Hi I really need advice :(

14 replies

Mama4412 · 04/10/2013 13:12

Hi everyone
18 months ago my sons dad left us, my son was 16 months old when he walked out on us, he went on to be a drug dealer (lowlife) anyway I tried my best to get him to keep in contact with his son, I went to solicitors to send him letters about 2 half day visits and exes mums house, he never turned up and cancelled, so I changed the visits to one whole day a week, hoping that that wud keep the bond a father and son should have, he had no job (except dealing) so he had no excuse not to be able to see for a whole day, again he canceled or left half way thru etc, just didn't really bother. Well in the 5 months after we split he seen his son 6 times, then he got arrested and is now in prison and had been for a year! He sent a visiting order out after being inside for 10 months and I took out son in to see him cus I thought maybe he's realised the value of his son etc, it was a nice visit and I sed if he want to continue building a relationship with his son ( who didn't know who he was wen I took him in) then the visits need to be regular! Well it took him 10 weeks to send another VO, in fumin cus my son deserves so much more and even tho I don't want him goin in to see him in prison I was willing to cus I don't want him to not know his dad! Well iv had enoug and I threw out the VO he sent last week cus it's not good enough. If he wants to see his son he can go they courts cus iv tried my hardest to do it fairly and flexibly!
He left us for his ex who keeps dumping him and taking him back, so from what I can tell is that he only bothers with his son wen she buggers off! That makes me sick that he dump his boy for her!

Being too soft hearted, being string is so unlike me, I am worried that I'm not doin the right thing! My little boy means everything to me and I don't want him messed around, especially wen there r no good reasons for it!

Opinions please guys I'm at my wits end! I refuse to take my son back to that horrible prison because what mum wants their child there, especially wen it might screw him up cus for all I know he cus see his dad once and then not bother again for 3 months! As all mums know 3 months is a very long time to a child and a lot can change for them xxxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Mama4412 · 04/10/2013 13:16

Sorry for spelling mistakes I kinda got it off my chest quickly and didnt check Xxx

OP posts:

Jackanory1978 · 04/10/2013 19:23

I'm sorry, but the minute I read the phase 'drug dealer' followed by the word 'prison' I immediately wondered why on earth you were fighting so hard to build a relationship between this lowlife & your ds? When what you should be doing is fighting to stop any visitation rights or claim this man has upon your child. I would never ever take my ds into a prison or let him spend time alone with a known drug dealer.

I realise you think you have your ds's best interests at heart, & ordinarily I would encourage contact between a child & their father regardless of what animosity exists between the parents but & this man should be nowhere near your ds.

I don't mean to sound mean or nasty or judgemental cos I realise you're having a tough time, so sorry if that's how I sounded.

Cluelessat30 · 04/10/2013 19:31

I have to agree- he doesn't sound like much of a role model and going on past performance he doesn't really seem to appreciate how special it is to have a child.
I would concentrate on living life for you and your DS. Good luck for the future x

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WestieMamma · 04/10/2013 22:06

I agree with the others. Fight to keep this man out of your child's life. Yes children need fathers but not when they're like this. I think that you already know this yourself, you just need to tap into your inner strength to stand strong.

If it helps/makes you feel better my daughter has had no contact with her 'father' since she was 1. There were some difficult times when not having a father around troubled her, but she's 20 now and happy and well adjusted.

Original poster

Mama4412 · 05/10/2013 00:24

U all brought me to tears, I'm so grateful for the support and I now feel confident that I'm doin the right thing! The sun and moon rises with my baby and I do my very best for him. Thank u thank u so much all of u!
I shud never of given him so many chances to be a dad because he should never of needed any, being a mother or father is honour!
I don't even know why I wanted someone like him to be a dad, how careless of me :( ! Well hopefully one day I'll meet a nice man who will adore my boy the way he deserves xxxx

OP posts:

Jackanory1978 · 05/10/2013 07:33

The sun and moon rises with my baby and I do my very best for him

You sound like a fantastic mum & obviously love your baby very much. Lucky baby! I'm sure you'll be enough for him even if there's no father figure in his life.

KepekCrumbs · 05/10/2013 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mama4412 · 05/10/2013 09:07

Jackanory1978 I love him unconditionally! I think I'm the lucky one to have him :)

Kepekcrumbs iv tried to keep his family involved but none of them bother with him and for a long time they even referred to him had a spoiled brat, he is so not spoilt I try to teach him the value of things, my exes mum is a severe alcoholic! I stayed really close with one of my exes nans but sadly she died not long ago :( iv offered all of them loads of chances to be in his life but not even wen he was in hospital with severe croup not a single one even texted to see if he was ok and I made sure they knew he was there! Ill just have to tell him of his heritage myself. It's not me who closed the door on him :\ xxxx

OP posts:

mummyxtwo · 05/10/2013 10:13

You don't need this man in your life or in the life of your son. I'm usually in the camp of leaving doors open for children to always have a relationship with their dad, even if dad is pretty useless. But it's different if the dad is behaving in a way that is a terrible and damaging example to their child. If he wants to see his son I would always remain open to the possibility, if he has a change of heart, for your son's sake - but on strict terms ie. he cannot be dealing or even using drugs, abusing alcohol or in prison. Prison is not an environment suitable for a child to go into, even for the sake of trying to preserve parent-child relations. He needs to accept that if he wants to be in his son's life he needs to radically alter his lifestyle when he gets out of jail - otherwise I would stick to your guns and keep your son well away from him. Imagine if your son continued to see him, and your ex had him for visits when he is a little older - what sort of characters might he meet at his dad's house, who are popping round to deal some drugs or worse? I think you've done all you can and the best thing you can do now for your son is to accept that it is better for your ds not to see his dad. You are obviously a caring loving mum and you don't need this man in your life or in the life of your son. All the best.

NicLovesCheese · 05/10/2013 18:32

It's hard, but stay away from them. You are all he needs xx

Original poster

Mama4412 · 06/10/2013 19:37

Thanks :) anyone got any ideas on how I can stop letting people guilt me into stuff cus that's way I feel he's trying to do, I have nothing to feel guilty about but I'm far to soft and I need to toughen up lol

Be south easier if he went back to pretending we didn't exist :\

OP posts:

Cluelessat30 · 07/10/2013 22:43

Just don't engage with him, if he's any sort of human being then in time he (might) look back with real regret at the way his choices in life have led him, and he would agree you made the right decision. But that's the sort of thing a changed person would think, and it sounds like you don't believe he will change. It certainly doesn't seen as if he wants to.
In the meantime- stand firm, be clear that he's messed up his chances of being a dad to your DS forever. He has brought it on himself. You would have more to feel guilty over if you kept up the contact, IMO.

Original poster

Mama4412 · 09/10/2013 11:35

Thank u cluelessat30 ur right, time will tell if he will truly bother with his son, he's probably just bored inside and once he gets out will prob drop my son again! Wish I knew this would happen wen i met him! Then again if I had walked away in the beginning my baby wouldn't be here so no regrets just need to make clever choices :) x

OP posts:

puntasticusername · 09/10/2013 17:33

Good on you, you sound like a brilliant mum who is doing her damnedest for her son.

I think you've done exactly the right thing so far in making such efforts to encourage contact with his dad, and are doing the right thing now in backing off from it now that it's clear it's not working. At some point in the future your son will ask you where his dad is and why he doesn't see him - this way, you can look him right in the eye and honestly say you did your very best to make that happen, but unfortunately things just didn't work out that way.

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