If you only have one child (out of choice), do you ever regret not having more?

[CyrilSneers]

My ds is 18 months and although he's obviously the love of my life etc etc, I've found being a 'mum' bloody hard work, to the extent that I don't think I can face doing it all over again! He was unplanned, I'm in my 30s and have never been overly maternal or anything, but when he was a tiny baby I thought it was a breeze and planned to have a couple more. Then it started to get harder and although I love my child, I don't enjoy being a mum if that makes sense.

I'm at the stage where I really need to make a decision about whether to have another, and my head is telling me not to, but I'm really worried I'll regret it. How did you know it was the right decision not to have another? When I tell people I don't think I'll have any more, they laugh and think I'm joking and add that it's unfair on ds not to have a brother or sister, especially as we live in a rural area. DP is in two minds and says he'd maybe rather get a dog.

One, sort of by choice. I'm an only and intended having more, but we struggled to conceive Dd, had a brief period of trying for a second, I got diagnosed with PND, moved house and before we realised 7 yrs had passed and I am still on ADs and feel too old for a second.

I do regret not trying harder for another child. DD is desperate for a sibling, she's not really made to be an only child, whereas as a child I never bothered about having a sibling. That's the problem, you don't know how they are going to turn out. I'm an only because my Mum had a hellish time growing up with a sister. There's no way of predicting the future, you just have to do what you feel is right for your family.

I've read all the replies here with interest. I have a 13 week old DD and like others have said already people are joking about the next one. I've been quite open that this is it for me, and I always get a kind of 'oh just wait for a bit you'll change your mind'. And when I said I won't people look either really shocked, or give me a really patronising response like I don't know my own mind! My reasons are that I have always had a strained relationship with my DSis, and for various reasons my parents have to give her a lot more attention than me (medical but don't wish to divulge further, I hope you all understand). Whilst I love her to bits, a lot of the time when I was younger I felt sidelined and second best and I genuinely cannot put my DD through that. I adore her, she is the centre of my universe, and the thought of maybe her feeling the same way would devastate me. I know that there is a very strong chance that this wouldn't happen to her but I just don't want to take the risk. When I factor in cost etc it's a no brainer for me but still people manage to make me feel bad about it. I think what I'm trying to say in a really waffly way is that I think that it's ok to just have the one, and that it wouldn't make you a bad person. I think like one of the PP's said, if you're ambivalent about it, that's your answer. Either way, please don't feel bad about your decision OP. Best of luck.

My son is too young for this to be an issue now, but I identify with a lot if the mixed feelings on here. But I do think there are two big assumptions people make about having 2+ kids : 1. That if you have more than one, you won't still regret not having more/ feel broody. Lots of friends with 2 kids want 3. My mother recently told me get biggest regret was not having 4 children (she had 2). I don't think the regret over not having more kids is unique to parents of only children, so I try yo recognise it as a symptom of parenthood in general, and not something that's happening because i only have one.

1. That siblings get along. Often they do (I adore my brother) but often they don't. It's not a magical recipe for contentment.

My personal take on it is to do with parenting. I think I can be a good parent to one ds. But I don't think I could be a good parent to two. It's just too hard. Surely that is what is important for the child?

Our first/only is only five weeks but its important to us to introduce him to the life we love which includes hiking, camping, biking, travelling etc. we can only really manage one baby at a time and by the time ds is enjoying these things as a toddler a newborn would seriously limit all our activities.
We might consider a second but only if we really felt it wouldn't constrain / limit ds's early years. Right now I'd rather have an only and go playing in the woods than give him a sibling and be stuck in while I deal with a baby (I'm not good enough to do both at once).

I have an only, not entirely by choice. We tried for a second and it didn't happen. We decided against going for any sort of treatment.

I am finding now DS is 6, I am often glad it worked out this way. Life is fun, and not usually stressful. DS is happy. He has two cousins that live nearby, so he has other children to play and bicker/fight with.

I have plenty of time to spend, with DS doing what he wants to do, and on my own hobbies. I am sure it would have been fine with two, but money would have been tighter, and I know I would have been a lot more stressed. I do have the odd little pang when I see tiny babies, but no major regrets as yet.

I think Toklastennis is right, people who have 2 children regret not having more and so on, it's not limited to people who have one.

I have 2, but my SIL has one as was always her intention. They are a lovely family and he's a great child, not lonely at all and plays really well with other children. They feel they can give him everything they want to and don't have to compromise. I feel the same way about stopping at 2, although if our resources were unlimited (and I was younger!) I would have loved 3 or even 4!

What I'm trying to say is that there are lots of very positive reasons to have one child and I don't think it impacts negatively on them at all.

people say lots of daft things about kids - every situation is unique. if you don't have an instinctual drive to have another one, that says something.
i'm still on the fence and DD is 3, in fact i do have a gut feeling i want another one but feel also that we wouldn't cope (both work long hours, no family support, previous fertility issues etc).

I felt like you when DD was a toddler. Toddlers are exhausting! Definitely the worse stage of parenting for me so far - although I've not had a teenager yet so things could change!)

But now she's 6 she's easy peasy - does everything for herself and is generally well behaved and lovely to be around.

I'm now pregnant with DC2. A massive age gap, but I'm pretty sure it will be easier for me than having 2 very little ones. DD is very excited about the new baby and keen to help out (haha we'll see how that pans out!).

That said, I'm finding this pregnancy a lot harder than my first, possibly because I'm 38 and knackered. I also needed fertility treatment to conceive. So it's not all a bed of roses by any stretch.

If you think you want another child, but aren't sure could put off the decision for a bit and have a bigger age gap?

I have an only - she's 14 now and I've never regretted not having another - we're great as we are. I never had any pressure from anyone else even hinting I should have more - there are several other onlies hereabouts, and lots of her primary classmates too.

I asked DD when she was about 6 if she would have liked a sibling - she was on the same page as your DH, Cyril - rather have a dog - we had one already, stick at one at a time with those too!

This is really interesting.

I have more than one child and wouldn't change that. BUT I think my first child would have been perfectly happy as an only child.

All the only children I know - adult and child - are content and happy and self contained.

It has made me question the "large happy family" notion as ultimately children seem only to want our time.

Sorry for these rambling musings!

I only want one. I'm not maternal or very good at being Mum but I'm better with only one to focus my attention on. I look forward to him growing all the time as I feel that for a long time they only get easier (until teens!).

DH isn't so sure. Maybe I'll get him a dog?!

This thread began in July 05 and is worth a read for a positive view of having one child

Not everyone is a born, natural mum. I'm certainly not, and like you I love my DS but don't enjoy being a mum very much. If you don't want more, don't have any more.

Just because I chose to have just one child doesn't mean I'm not maternal, just as women who have several children aren't necessarily earth mothers.

Thank you for all your replies. So many interesting perspectives that are really helping me sort through my feelings towards having another (though I'm probably mega over-analysing this now!) I think the main reasons I feel I would regret not having another are guilt that ds won't have a sibling and sadness that I won't have a tiny baby to coo over. However, I think it's more important that as Tokla says perfectly, I don't feel I will be as good a parent to two. As many of you have pointed out, there are so many advantages to having just one and DP and I just aren't cut out for the busy life of a larger family. However, I was an only child until I was a teenager and whenever I tell people I used to play Hungry Hippos and Swingball by myself (and always won, naturally) the look of pity they give me makes me question it all over again!

@CyrilSneers hi just wondering if you ever did choose to remain as a three ? X

We had one son, and found it financially difficult. My husband was working hard to build up his business. I stayed at home to look after our son, and eventually started working in the business when son started full time school. Business is still going and successful, we’ve been able to provide a comfortable life style for us all as a family. But, we aren’t part of a close family circle. My family live in another part of country. My husband and his brothers aren’t particularly close anymore. Their children and our son have drifted since growing up. Our son is a single parent to his son, and they don’t get invited to his cousins get togethers. I’m wishing we’d had more children. He does have friends who invite him to their get togethers though. But I find it sad to see his cousins posting pics of their kids parties, and our sons boy (our grandson) doesn’t get invited. I feel sad about that.

I read through all the posts in the hope to see if any of you has thought about what would happen when you, the parents, get old. Unfortunately it seems noone really thinks that far ahead.
Like you guys, I have one daughter and I didn’t want another. For 7 years I was completely sure I don’t want another child because I’m afraid of the hard work. Then recently a mature friend of mine, an only child, shared her experience caring for her elderly mum all by herself. She is miserable, she cannot go away ever, she constantly has to be there, have noone to share that responsibility with, and it’s been years for her since her mum lost the mental capacity to care for herself.
So I don’t want that burden for my child in my later years. Having just one other person to share that responsibilities would make it so much lighter. So I am having another, work hard for another 10 years so that my children can support each other when we are old.

I'm also in this dilemma at the moment and both my partner and I are on the fence, he has a 7year old son from a previous relationship and we share an almost 2 year old daughter. The whole dynamic is great both when we have him over on weekends and when it's just the 3 of us. Everyone fits in the house and the car and if we add another baby that means a new car, a new house at some point, another 3 years of nursery fees, another 2 years (probably longer) of not feeling myself in my body and foregoing the time to get back to the gym which I was a big fan of and only now can just about balance. Although my partner and I are very strong there were times over the last 2 years that were hard for us given the money worries, tiredness, bickering etc and we're now out the other end. They say you never regret having another but I think would miss the current dynamic we have now.

Another take on it was that i was an only child growing up, inherited step siblings when I was an adult. I loved it, had the best childhood, would have hated a sibling!