why is biting such a taboo and how to stop it!!

[croydonlady]

Ds is just turned 3 but has speech delay and a lot of what he said isn't understood by people outside family.

Recently we were at softplay with me in baby area with dd and ds on frame (u5s area). A boy a bit bigger (maybe 4yo) pushed in front of ds going down the curly slide and the had a bit of a scuffle and ds bit the boy. I could see what was happening but was below so could not intervene. The boy was crying to his mum and I realised what had happened and obviously apologised and told ds off and made him say sorry too. We left shortly after that as I was very embarrassed.

About a month ago at toddler group ds was playing with a toy and a boy wanted it. I could have intervened immediately but was a bit away and wanted to see if ds could handle it himself as he off to nursery soon. Ds shouted at the boy the boy grabbed ds and ds bit the boy :(

So I told ds off, apologised etc. I have told ds that biting is wrong and he is not to do it ever. But he just says that the other boy hit him etc.

I think if ds had pushed the other boys in these situations he would have been deemed to be reasonable as he was pushed first. But biting such a taboo that it is almost as if you are always wrong to bite however badly provoked. I wish ds did not bite and find it really embarrassing.

How can I get him to stop???

Meant to also say that the other mums in these situations were quite combative and angry with ds for biting. I apologised to them but felt really embarrassed.

Well, pushing someone away could be seen as defensive, you're trying to get them away from you. But biting might seem more aggressive, as you have to voluntarily get closer to someone in order to bite them. So maybe it's a taboo because of that? (In addition to the fact that it bloody hurts, I mean.)

I don't think its a taboo - it's intentionally injuring another child. I get over it if the dds are pushed but biting is really upsetting. To be fairs it's never happened though.

There is something about biting that you instinctively shudder at - it's a gut response. More so than pushing, etc.

One of my DCs was a biter (coincidentally, also had speech delay - he found other children not understanding him hugely frustrating, which I guess your DS does). All I can usefully say is that he grew out of it. I did the walk of shame from toddler groups and soft play many, many times - you do need to keep up the zero tolerance. It will pass.

Yeah I know biting hurts terribly... it's just I was thinking of the issue in terms of hitting/ pushing someone intentionally versus biting and the biting being seen as much worse.
Even though the child doing it in the heat of the moment might not be thinking that biting hurts much more than pushing or hitting, just that someone is hurting them and they want them to stop.
But I agree, biting does seem much much worse.
I am so stressed about this as worried ds will get a reputation if I can't nip this in the bud.

My DS1 (2years old) bites occasionally too so I know how you feel. It's more of a taboo because it hurts more, leaves marks more easily and is significantly more aggressive than the usual pushing and shoving, IMO. We have clamped down on it with DS1 and he has stopped doing it more or less - he'll now only bite if really really distressed and angry, whereas a couple of months ago he would bite us or other kids a couple of times a week.

Our tactic was as follows:

1. When he bites get him to sit down straightaway, get to his level and calmly but firmly tell him off. He then has to sit quietly and calm down, and then apologise to the bitee. He doesn't get any kind of warning with biting, it's an immediate time-out and a stern telling off.
2. Give loads of attention to the bitee, and make a big fuss of them. Not pay any attention to DS while he's doing his time out/calm down time.
3. Reading a book called 'teeth are not for biting' which we got from Amazon. He really likes it and it's got a very linear, toddler-framed approach which I think has helped him. He knows the words to it now!

This does seem to have helped a lot.

I feel that I almost need to train ds to hit back rather than to consider biting (if he can't just walk away that is). The walk of shame is so bad - I was so embarrassed both times.
But there have been so many times kids at groups have just hit another child for no reason and its almost shrugged off. Even things like pushing off climbing frames which is really dangerous and can cause v nasty bump.g

make him a stress shaker..... take a bottle, fill it with water and glycerine, sparkles and glitter maybe food colouring. glue the lid on with supaglue (you have to do that bit)

then give it to him to shake.....shake as hard as he can and see the flurry of activity... then set it down and watch it settle. some times it will take a while to settle, but it will always settle.

then when he looses his rag, remind him about the flurry in the bottle, and that if he just sits and stettles himself, he will feel better and calm, but sometimes it takes a bit longer than others.

carry it with you so that he can express how he is feeling by shaking it.

this is a good meditation technique to use with kids who cant communicate thier feelings very well.

I know it is quite a taboo, and very embarrassing if your child does it, but I honestly think you're doing the best thing by expressing your extreme displeasure at his behaviour, apologising, and getting him to apologise. Maybe immediately curtailing the activity, whenever he bites, will reinforce the message. I think most children (in my experience, anyway) grow out of it. I remember my DS3 biting on several occasions when he was younger, and I dealt with it in much the same way as you.
I hate to admit it, but I was a biter, too. I only remember it happening once, so maybe I learnt my lesson, because I missed out on going to the circus as a result!