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so what do you think about hitting?

8 replies

pantsonbackwards · 29/09/2013 22:43

My friend has 3 children. The youngest two often play with my two dc at each others houses. The get on well apart from one of my friends dc who hits whenever he doesn't get his own way or is a bit cross about something. He hits his brother who is older, although smaller, and he hits his mum. He also throws things at my children and has pinched them before.

I know that a lot of children go through this stage, one of mine did and it wasn't fun. But this boy is nearly 6 and seems a bit old for lashing out. My issue isn't that he hits but that his mum ignores it! She doesn't tell him off or anything which i find very strange.

His poor brother is hardly even consoled either.

She has never mentioned any particular parenting method that she is following for this behaviour and in fact seemed annoyed recently when he hit another child at soft play and the parents of the other child expected her to do something about it. She reacted as though it was ok that he hit because the other child snatched something from him. Whereas i think no matter what's happened hitting isn't ok.

Its making me reconsider our seeing each other, not just with the children but also for our nights out, because when we do go out she'll often talk about it and her opinion that his behaviour is fine and how horrible other people react to him.

He has no sn and is otherwise a bright, sociable boy. He just seems to have no consequences which is a shame in my opinion because if he carries on like this it won't turn out well for him.

I find it very strange. What do you lot think?

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bundaberg · 29/09/2013 22:48

i think that you don't know that he doesn't have any SN just because the mother hasn't told you about it.
not that that makes it ok for him to hit people anyway, my son has autism and if he hits he always gets reminded that it's not ok, or removed from the situation.

i would tell the boy myself if i were you. or like you say, just stop seeing them! sounds pretty stressful

pantsonbackwards · 29/09/2013 22:55

We discuss their development all the time. I am certain she would have told me if there were any concerns, just as we have had multiple conversations about her sisters child who has suspected sn who we spend time with, and also my own wonderings about my own child. I know him very well as well and babysit him regularly. I also have experience in that area. There really isn't an issue.

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pantsonbackwards · 29/09/2013 22:58

Yes could stop seeing them but its such a shame as we are so close. I just don't agree with her parenting. Because of what happened at the soft play her back is really up about it and is being very defensive. I don't want to criticise and tend not to give a direct opinion unless asked. She hasn't asked so i keep my mouth shut.

I wondered if others do this? Ignore hitting i mean.

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Xiaoxiong · 30/09/2013 09:23

We have the same issue with some very good friends - their older is 5 and hits, the younger is 2.5 and has learned to do the same. The mum does react but nowhere near firmly enough in my and DH's eyes - I know they follow a more gentle and relaxed parenting style but it doesn't seem to prevent the hitting and rough play. When I was heavily pregnant I couldn't move fast enough to protect my DS from her kids and I must admit I claimed pregnancy exhaustion the last couple of times they wanted to meet up. I'm hoping by the time I'm up and about with this new baby they're just a bit older and maybe she'll be more willing to control them?

It's such a shame as the parents are absolutely lovely, the kids are really funny and sweet when not acting up and we are totally on the same wavelength about almost everything except this - but it's a big one and if I can't protect DS from them then we will just have to see the parents some other way.

pantsonbackwards · 30/09/2013 10:43

I think maybe i should see what happens next time i see them and maybe say something? (wimp alert!)

How the hell do you phrase that though?!

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mummyxtwo · 30/09/2013 11:59

No idea how to phrase that sorry! I do think that we all have different parenting styles and that is fine, but it becomes very difficult if you have different core values. How do you teach your lo's that hitting is bad for example if they constantly see another child doing it (and to them) and the other child isn't told off or disciplined? I have to admit that that would lead me to spend less time with this friend and her children. You don't have to cut them off, but perhaps you could limit the playdates a little more, or meet up in places where your dc's will play with other children eg soft play centres? Sorry that seems a poor response, I'm not quite sure what to suggest.

gnittinggnome · 30/09/2013 12:59

Could you perhaps say to her that your children are not happy with being hit by her child, and that they would rather not hang out with him? It might defuse the defensiveness on her part to hear that other children are the complainants, not other parents, and it might help her see it from her son's peers' perspective, eg he's not fun to be around when he hits people. It does seem a shame that he will continue thinking this is ok, and get a shock later on when someone bigger / stricter comes along.

pantsonbackwards · 30/09/2013 13:04

Because her back has been up recently, when other children have complained she thinks they are being unfair and they are all as bad as each other despite him being the only one hitting.

She's so defensive.

Thanks for your replies. I want to stay friends with her but . . .

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