Different parenting styles - need some perspective

[roweeena]

I'm having a really shit weekend. I just feel like myself and my husband having spent the entire weekend arguing and I feel like I need some perspective.

We have a two year old and I'm 38 weeks pregnant so struggling with hormones as well. I always though our parenting styles were quite similar but now my DS has started to hit the terrible twos it just feels like DH is jumping down DS throat whatever he does (I'm not an airey fairy mum either, like routines, would say I'm fairly strict etc)

For example this morning we went to a new local football class for toddlers aged 18m to 4years. It was 11-12 so just when DS is at his most tired & hungry. He enjoyed the playing with the balls but didn't join in the warm up and didn't like it when all the other children were listening etc. he wasn't the best behaved, worst in the class and we ended up leaving early but the way I see it it was a totally new experience and he would be better next time as he is more understanding of what is expected of him (and maybe try again in a couple of months). DH was furious, said it was embarrassing and that we are never taking him back, drove home like an idiot as he was so angry. Am I just being really soft?

Also on Friday night I made an stew and roast new pots for DS (leftovers from the night before) to be honest I didn't really expect him to eat it because he never really eats those sort of things but I thought I would give it another go. When he refuses the stew, I told him fair enough if not eating he couldn't have a yoghurt or fruit but DH comes in shouts at him, hovering over him, trying to force him to eat food - switches off cbeebies and just escalates it into this massive issue and battle - whereas I see it that he will eat if he is hungry and if not there is no point in forcing it etc. (DS is not really a fussy eater by the way).

Anyway I've told DH that he has too high expectations that that toddlers will be toddlers and that I'm fed up of him flying off the handle - but now I'm doubting myself - am I being too soft?

I wouldn't say you are being too soft but then when ds was a toddler I took the style of 'ignore the bad behaviour, praise and reward the good'. No point of creating food issues if they didn't want to eat something either.

Is your dh normally this highly strung or his stressed atm? Sounds a bit over the top and I'm known to have a bit of a temper at times.

Your husband is being too harsh. Way to create food issues.

And he needs to find a way to not be embarrassed when a 2 year old acts like a 2 year old.

Choose your battles with a toddler! They are testing every boundary so be clear on which ones are essential and which are not....

I would not worry about a structured class for football for a two year old. My two kids are only getting the rules at 8 and 5 so I would be less hard on yourself and save your money and let him kick a ball around a park!

Personally watching TV and eating don't really mix IME.

toddlers are hard work so don ' t be so hard on yourself you need to get a grip of ourself and husband as when no2 arrives it gets harder as you will be tired and DC1 will really press your buttons......

When you told your dh that he is being too harsh, what did he say?

Hmmm I think he is being too harsh too, is he unduly stressed? Maybe he needs some time out. Maybe he's worried about how he'll cope with ds when the new baby arrives. Maybe a calm chat if you can when ds is asleep?

He's only two and I think your DH has expectations that are really unreasonable.

No you are being entirely reasonable and your dh is overreacting. 2 year olds have the attention span of a gnat and test the boundaries constantly! You don't want to lapse your standards with regard important behavioural issues - rudeness, hitting, running into roads etc - but you do have to choose your battles at this age or you will fight over everything and your lo will be so used to you saying no and telling him off that he'll just ignore you. The important thing to remember is that this is a phase and they will come out of it! Believe me - I have a lovely, well-mannered 4.9yo boy, who was an absolute terror at 2!

Ds1 has been going to football classes on a Saturday morning since he was 3yo. When he first started going he enjoyed it but fidgeted when being given instructions, ran off frequently to investigate the gym equipment at the other end of the hall, and generally didn't pay attention to anything sad, and occasionally had a go at what he was meant to do! They were all like that at that age. Us parents used to sit and try not to laugh, and occasionally intervene to tell our offspring to listen to the instructor and stop spinning round and round in circles on their bottom. It is completely different now - he concentrates, dribbles, does what he is meant to and gets noticeably better each week. If we had given up early on when it appeared a lost cause he would never have become so good at it by this age, and I think and hope that it will stand him in good stead at school - the boys who are good at football are rarely the ones who get bullied. I can understand your dh might really want him to become good at football - that is so common among dads, because they understand how beneficial that can be at school with regard making friends and not having a tough time - but he needs to relax a little and accept that it will take considerable time before your ds has the concentration needed to learn the skills.

And with regard eating, I cringe at the image of him shouting about your ds not eating his food. Ds1 had severe feeding difficulties as a baby and this had a knock on effect with his eating. His diet is still very limited. Children and eating is a very tricky area - you can cause psychological issues with food if you are overly harsh on them being fussy eaters and refusing certain foods. Believe me, you do not want that - it dominated our lives for years - no exaggeration. If you want to take a strict stance, just take away uneaten food, and possibly give it to them again next meal. Or offer an alternative but no treats or puddings. But always be calm about it and never shout or get angry. Has your dh read any parenting books? Perhaps you could get one for yourself and if he sees you reading it perhaps he'll feel that he should read it too. He does need to get a more realistic grasp on toddler behaviour and development. All the best.