Telling off a 16mo?

[sharond101]

How do you constructively tell off a 16mo? DS is going through a whining stage where when things aren't going his way he whines and expects whatever he is wanting to happen. When this happens DH (who is rather tetchy at the moment having just had major surgery) tells him off by sternly saying "No" and sometimes pointing his finger at him. DS gets very upset at this and often starts to cry. He sometimes takes ages to settle down and we are worried this could affect him confidence wise. I often think he understands what no means and other times I question it. He is a typical boy and is into everything we wish he wasn't like toilets, mud, small stones, puddles and dirty cars. I try and avoid situations so close toilet door but stones, puddles and dirt cars are inevitable so how do you let him see it's naughty?

Personally I save "no" for dangerous situations - if overused it will lose its effect

To be honest, sometimes todders have a whingy day - I tend to ignore or distract rather than treat it as "naughty" behaviour. None of what you describe would be classed as "naughty" by me - puddles, mud, stones - just normal toddler fun surely - put wellies on and let him splash!

For true "naughty" behaviour ie biting, hitting etc, I will put my DS or DD (22 mo twins) in timeout - pram, cot or playpen, for 1 minute, and I tell them why.

Oh I'm awful for a 'no' and a finger point, but if you think about it its very simple for them to understand at that age. Young children do sometimes cry at the word 'no' (DD2 hated that word for about a year!) But if you think about it, they're upset because it means they can't do what they want. Its frustrating for them that's all.

Oh I agree with ceeveebee tho, puddles, mud, stones, its all part of childhood. If you can't make a mud pie when your a child when can you?!

I don't think he would understand timeout yet. I agree it's not naughty behaviour. The whining is a new thing over the past week and when he wants something (for example a biscuit when it's lunchtime) he whines insistently. I don't give in to him but the whining can persist and DH gets so uptight he tells him off. We were in the car today which DS clearly did not want to be and he whined alot. DH was very irritable and told him "NO" which got DS so upset. I then sang to him the rest of the way.

Agree, no need for telling off at that age, just ignore and distract.

'No' isn't a very useful word till they're older and rarely then.

Mines the same age and we do "No" in the stern voice was well.
I agree about rationing it though as you don't want to get into a battle of wills or have it lose its effect. I tend to save it for danger, biting and pinching.
I'm coming to the conclusion that you just have to let a lot of the other stuff go. I try to look on it- that I'm introducing the principle of discipline now and setting the groundwork to apply discipline in s broader range of situations later on.

I would probably ignore winging. I wouldn't give in to it- but I wouldn't consider it a telling off offence either- but then Iam very soft!

thing is, of course he can understand the no, but he is too little to act on it, and it doesn't stop him wanting it.

I have a couple of suggestions (none of which might work!)

Change to other words, so he wants a biscuit but it is nearly lunch time, instead of saying no, say 'later' and then immediately distract, ''yes, we will have biscuits later, now it is time to play with the cars''

use no with a short (very short explanation) eg, no, we don't hit, it's not kind, then immediately distract as above. But this isn't ''telling off'' it is the beginning of teaching, so with a normal voice, not a ''telling off'' voice

Try to offer alternatives, well, we can't get out of the car, but we can put some music on.

last one is to make a game out of whining (he may be too young for this) Mummy like to hear a nice voice, not a whiney voice, can you do a nice voice and then huge claps and cheers when he does.

Agree with everything steppemum says!

I often say to my tantrumming toddlers - shh can you hear that little mouse- and then make a stupid eek eek mouse sound - it almost always makes them shut up to listen.

Program on channel 4 the other night, might be on 4od if you have that - three day nanny, was about 4 year old triplets but showed how to deal with whining/tantrums well I thought. She's not that well respected on here though I think!

We say 'not for xxx' when DS tries to get something he can't have. It's interesting that he doesn't say the word 'no' yet, although has lots of words. It's all a game, of course, and he still tries, while shaking his head and laughing, but it feels less negative and it's often possible to distract him towards something else.

Lots and lots of stones, puddles, dirt allowed, but not hot coffee, big sister's artwork etc.

When it all fails, we pick him up and move him, while making every effort to defend ourselves against the ensuing headbutts and bites...

Distraction is the answer to whining I think.

Dd understood no at that age but often responded by doing the undesirable thing while saying no! She did then understand when I removed her from the 'no' situation and even volunteered herself to be removed once.

I want to reserve the sharp 'no' for 'freeze or jump away from danger'.

What is his speech like? If he knows the word biscuit,.id say "stop.whining and tell me what you want" and get him to say biscuit. If he doesnt, but knows "yes", then "would you like a biscuit?" - yes - "ok, well stop whining and show.me your smily face" usually works round our way.

ceeveebee
I saw that too, I don't agree with everything, but thought she was great over those tantrums!
kids were older, but she said if you say no it sets up a barrier against which they then fight for hours.
so when the girls wanted a biscuit, mum said no, later, and then 4 year old whined and screamed for it.
Nanny suggested saying ''yes lovely biscuits, we are going to have those - at tea time, now you can have an apple or an orange, which one would you like?''

It worked a treat.

I have a 2 1/2yr old and can only just about say no when I really have to. All other times it's a highly complex game of negotiation, distraction and prevention!
My ds whines a lot. Getting cross isn't going to help, a bit of sympathy and understanding does. Do it to your DH when he's feeling particularly tired and grumpy and point out that it's not your ds's fault when he feels tired and grumpy - it's your job as parents to help prevent it and help him communicate better.

Why do you think puddles are naughty?! We love jumping in puddles in this house - well 17 month old does - why would a toddler understand that is wrong? Wellies and raincoats should help him enjoy puddles

And personally I don't think getting messy in any way is naughty at this age - you might not like it but its not naughty - perhaps you need to save the stern voice for things you want them to understand are totally unacceptble ie dangerous or unkind