Can a parent fix their child's shyness and should they?

[Notsoyummymummy1]

I've always been a shy person and hated it so I was praying my dd wouldn't be the same but at 19 months she is painfully shy. At home she is full of life - running, dancing and shouting but in the company of strangers or people she knows but who aren't me or dh she looks so uncomfortable - she kind of freezes up and doesn't talk or play normally, she just lowers her head awkwardly and seems to stay near me.

I take her to a toddler group, a musicy dancey group thing and a swimming group but I am a stay at home mum and I'm wondering if she would be more sociable if she'd gone to nursery from an early age. I hate thinking like this because I know I sound like I think there's something wrong with her when there's not, she's perfect but I can't help it - my heart sinks when I see other children her age who seem so much more confident in the company of others and when my inlaws label her "the quiet one". I keep feeling like I have to prove she isn't - I send them photos and videos of her dancing and mucking about and talking (her speech is actually very advanced for her age) and I hate myself for doing that but I guess I want them to see her as she really is.

Am I getting her out enough and is it too early to worry about this sort of thing?

Please be kind! Thanks!

I think 19 months is a bit young to be worrying about it. A weekly group probably doesn't happen often enough for her to feel confident. I would give it till she's at pre-school as it may just be a phase. You could certainly tell your in-laws that!

Good luck, and be gentle on yourself and her.

OP my 2.9 year old is also quite quiet and always has been, he goes to loads of groups and has done since birth and gone to nursery 2 days a week since 9 months old, so I don't think what you do with her has any influence really, they are just born like that. I know what you mean about wanting others to see the other side of her personality, in my DS case most do in the end, he just has to get to know them a bit first.

He does seem to be missing out on fun by clinging to me, but when I think about how I behave, he is very similar to me. I'm not actually shy, more like quietly confident, I prefer to take a back seat and take in what's going on, I don't feel the need to jump up and be the centre of attention, but if its required of me e.g. presentation at work, then I am quite comfortable to do it.

I am very careful to make sure nobody labels him shy, as I think things like that can affect confidence, I try not to push him to do anything, I encourage him but I don't force his boundaries, he usually does it in his own time anyway. For example we have been going to a music group every week for ages. It started off he wouldn't get off my knee, get up and get the instruments etc. this went on for months, now I sit next to him, he goes and gets his own instruments and shouts out answers, he just took a bit longer to get used to it all than others.

I'd definitely speak to the in-laws about them calling her "the quiet one" and make sure they don't make her feel uncomfortable by calling her that or "shy" in her presence, as that could make it worse.

What's she like at these groups? If they are quite big groups maybe she might prefer a smaller group activity so she can gain familiarity with fewer children, and therefore hopefully more confidence.

Aww OP its only natural to worry, we all want the best for our kids.

I completely agree with only going to more groups/nursery isn't likely to make any difference, its the temperament she was born with, & she will learn to cope with social situations better through the passage of time.

My ds (3.1) is also very similar in nature. I have always taken him to a weekly playgroup & he's been going to nursery 1 day/wk since 13 months & tbh he's always struggled in these environments, finding separation hard & preferring to stay close to me/a trusted adult than mix with the other kids. As he's got older the difference between him/his peers in terms of confidence, has become really noticeable. He will talk to familiar adults but hides from strangers who talk to him & really shy's away from other kids. I have to admit, at times I have found this very difficult, esp as none of my friends kids are like this & all charge off & get stuck in & he won't join in whatsoever & will often sit whining on my knee while they are all laughing & having fun.

Until recently I have always allowed him to stay close to me but have also tried to gently encourage him to play & joined in to get him started & model how to interact with others. We hit an all time low at the beginning of summer with him freaking the moment we went anywhere near other kids & I've come to realise I've been pushing him too hard as a result of my own anxieties about him missing out - I was also shy as a child & often sat on the sidelines & I had so hoped he wouldn't be the same. But I'm realising that was the wrong thing to do - the more I push the less he wants to interact. I am coming to accept this is how he is, & that it is ok for him to stand back & observe until he is comfortable enough to join in. Today he has actually made a little friend at pre-school which is such a huge step for him & I am feeling so proud of him.

One thing I am reading atm is this its really helping me to recognise that cautiousness & sensitivity are fantastic qualities to have. And although ds may be in the minority, he is perfectly normal. Its also helping me to think about how ds might be feeling in certain situations & how to help reassure him more. Hth.x

As a fellow shyness-sufferer, and from experience of "pushing" my DC1, I would say that it only really starts to matter once they are older, in the pre-school and school years, so 3yo and upwards.

Once you are in those years, what you can do to help her is chat to and socialise with other parents (hard I know), get hooked in to the network so that she gets party invitations. Host parties yourself. Accept invitations. Invite other children over to play after school. Make sure other parents have your mobile number.

My DC1 can still be a bit clingy by nature, but is now the life and soul of the party once she gets going.

I don't yet know, but I imagine that we will have to repeat this once she starts every new stage of education, to help her overcome the changes. Personally I found the transition to junior and senior schools very difficult as a shy child.

I don't know about you, but I never had parties or friends to play, and I really do think it makes a difference.

I think in many ways you can't make someone shy, or not. My dd1 was shy in public, even with people she knew well from age 2 to about 5. She is now described at school as being 'quietly confident' and understands it is good manners to say hello etc when spoken to- but it has taken awhile and a lot of waiting!

Shyness is something she will grow put of i was very shy until i reached about 9/10 u cant stop her from being shy i think its quite normal to be shy and i think most youngsters go through it.

Thank you all, I guess I'm extra sensitive to this because of my own experiences. You're all right, it's about accepting her the way she is and not pushing her but letting her deal with things in her own way. It's hard because you don't ever want them to ever feel left out but we can't protect them from everything I guess!