How to help my daughter - advice please

[poshfrock]

My DD is 9. She has had a best friend X since nursery. They went all the way through school together and although they had a wide circle of friends they still considered each other to be BFs. 18 months ago we moved house and now live about 60 miles from our old town. The girls promised to keep in touch, swapped email addresses etc. My DH still works in our old town and his workplace is within walking distance of X's house so taking DD for visits would be very easy to achieve ( he regularly works weekends).

Since the move we have invited X several times for sleepovers - she has come 3 times with DH doing the majority of collection/drop-offs of X. My DD emails regularly but has only had one or two replies. During our summer holiday this year DD spent ages choosing and purchasing a present for X whose birthday is Sept. She paid for it from her own money and DH dropped it round after work ( posted through door) so we know it was received. DD received no thank you.

But X/ X's DM has never invited DD back. Her DM posted pictures on FB of X's birthday party 2 weeks ago to which DD was not invited ( DD doesn't know about the party) - even though it was on a Saturday and we could easily have got her there. When it was DD's birthday in May we had X for a sleepover as well as taking a small group of DD's new friends to the pictures. DD wanted it this way so that X would not feel left out by new friends who naturally X wouldn't know.

We know that X has a sporting hobby which requires training several nights per week and she often attends competitions at weekends so I understand she is time-constrained but it increasingly seems that she doesn't want to maintain the friendship with DD. Last night DD was in tears because she had checked her email for the thousandth time and still no reply from X. She really misses her and still sleeps with her picture by her bed. She has settled in well at her new school and made lots of new friends but X was always closest to her.

I really need advice on how best to help DD. I was very good friends with X's DM but I feel rude asking why she hasn't once invited DD over in 18 months. DD wants to invite X at half-term but I fear she is leaving herself wide open for more heartache when the invite is refused.I want to let her down gently but don't know how.

Option 3 above. Sadly we all lose close friends through life mainly as our own lives change we just drift apart.
In many ways your dd is lucky its happened so young while you are there to support her. X has made it crystal clear that she doesn't feel strongly about the friendship.
I'd encourage the new friends and have a heart to heart about how friendships change but that doesn't take away how special the time was. Help her move on OP.

I think 60 miles is far too far to maintain a strong friendship at that age. I would be encouraging her make new friends, and just send the odd email. I am quite relaxed but wouldn't really be wanting dd to do sleepovers 60 miles away. It would really interfere with the weekends.

Sorry but you help DD by putting this one down to experience and not moving so far again/accepting that she will loose friends if you do.

It might be easy for your family to reach X still but not vice versa. If I was X's parents I'd probably not want X going so far with someone else's dad or to make a 120mile round trip fora play date myself.

Sadly I agree with other posters. Family life is way to complex/full to manage day to day without the additional burden of maintaining the friendships of young children who live over 60 miles apart!

Even as an adult such a distance would (for me) lead to proper closeness ending, even if initially attempts were made to stay close, so at 9yrs old when friendships shift and change constantly I suspect X's parents are probably thinking there is no point. Also if your DD is emailing X directly and not getting a response it seems pretty clear that X is probably not quite so attached to the friendship.

Time to sit your DD down and discuss this life lesson in as supportive a way as you can, and put your efforts into encouraging new school friends to visit and have sleep overs etc.

Good luck though, I don't envy you at all and genuinely feel for your DD.

P.S. For the record though I think its bad that at 9yrs X's parents didn't at least make her write a thank you for the present from your DD. That's nothing to do with not wanting to maintain friendships, its just plain rude!

Thanks all for your helpful advice. Her dad and I had come to the same conclusion ourselves really, it's just a matter of finding the right moment and the right words. We have actively encouraged friendships locally - playdates, sleepovers, parties etc and we never mention X unless DD brings her up. We were hoping she would gradually forget as she has done for most of her old friends but X seems quite firmly ingrained.

As for those of you who have commented on the 120 mile round trip:

1. X's parents have been perfectly happy for her to come to ours for sleepovers as recently as June. We have known her parents for 8 years and the two families did lots of stuff together.
2. It wouldn't interfere with weekends - DH would drop DD off on Sat am on his way to work and collect her either after work on Sat pm or Sun pm for a sleepover. When DH is working my weekends are just food shopping, laundry and housework so DD wouldn't be missing anything special.
3. Until we moved I was commuting 120 mile round trip every day to work. Post move DH is doing the 120 miles. We both regularly travelled 260 miles round trip on a Friday night after work to collect DSCs for the weekend and then the same on a Sunday to return them. We've been doing that for so long (11 years+) that it doesn't feel very far for us so maybe our thinking is a bit skewed on that one.

Thanks again everyone.