When do you start to feel like a good parent?

[nowwhat]

Just that really, do you ever start feeling good at parenting or is it always just doing whatever gets you through the day?

Disclaimer: I have a fluey 4 month old and bedtime was hell tonight.

My oldest is 15, dd2 is 12 and dd3 is 6 and I reckon I'll hit this any day now.....

No, seriously, sometimes there are times when I think I did a bloody good job with that issue and then there are other times when I think I shouldn't be in charge of a pencil case let alone a delicate, sensitive human being.

You have to aim for 'good enough'. In your case having a bedtime at all with a poorly 4 mnth old is 'good enough'. Asking 'Am I a good parent' is good enough. Feeding and clothing and LOVING them is 'good enough'

It doesn't really get easier tbh. Some of dd1's friends have eating disorders. Dd2 has a friend whose parents just split up, dd3 still loses her temper very easily etc etc. But you get more in to the swing of it.
You're 4 months in - you've barely got in through the door to the party let alone taken your coat off.
Give yourself a break

I have a couple of books and have been trying to get ideas from them, some have worked, such as sleep cues, he feels tired when he's been bathed and has pyjamas on and had his milk, but he just can't seem to GO to sleep. He goes to sleep much easier in my bed and we do co-sleep after he wakes up for his feed around 1am but I feel like I should persevere with the cot.

Now I'm thinking if he likes sleeping in the bed why can't he? He's still so tiny. But that feels like I'm being lazy and taking the easy option for me instead of what might be right for him.

I have no mum friends to compare with really, just a few 'supermums' on Facebook who are always wittering on being brilliant at everything. -.-

Also I know he's only 4 months old and it all takes time, I hate to sound like I'm complaining about him because I don't mean to!

When you start ignoring everyone else who are telling you how much better their baby is and realise that your own child is awesome

'taking the easy option for me instead of what might be right for him.'

What's easy and comfortable for you IS what's right for him He will naturally start to self settle and fall asleep in a cot when he's a bit bigger. For now if it's easier to do so in your bed go with that.

YOur facebook supermums aren't doing any better than you. They think they have to put up a front though. Ignore.

You need some mummy friends! Have you been to any baby groups? He'll love watching the bigger children and you need the peer support. Ask your Health visitor if you don't know of any.

Fairly recently, OP, once my two were grown up (18 and 19) and I saw them maturing into fabulous adults.

I spent all those years parenting them as best I could, enduring fierce battles of wills along the way, in order to be consistent in teaching them the necessary life skills. At times it was so hard and exhausting (I feel your pain). It has now paid dividends and I am realising that 'I must have done something right'.

The trick is to (a) pick your battles carefully and (b) be consistent every single time, do not give in ever once you have set a consequence. For example, when you give a warning to your child about a particular behaviour "if you do that, this will happen", you have to follow through to the end.

That is why it is important to choose your battle and consequence carefully. If you are always consistent, eventually your child will learn that there is no point arguing/tantruming/kicking off because it will make no difference whatsoever and they will just end up with a sore throat (all that shouting) or a headache.

If you do give in to their demands/behaviour, they will sense your weakness and use that against you onehundredfold. They will have no mercy, ever.

Good luck :)

Due to DH's hobbies I'm on my own on Saturday afternoons and on my day off during the week. I realised the other day that I'm completely fine on my own with him. I don't think about how I'm going to get through x number of hours on my own or stress about the day.

I never felt that way during maternity leave so actually quite recently. (DC is 15 months old)

You just come to terms with the fact you will never feel good enough.

Anyway, at that age you go with what works and if it ever needs correcting you just do it later when you have more energy!

I gave up trying to settle my youngest in a cot and spent a lovely year co-sleeping which makes me happy to remember it. It did not damage him!

I think it's very hard to think of yourself as a 'good parent'.

I had no problem getting my baby to sleep at night, he went to bed at 7pm from the day we got back from hospital and slept through with one quick night feed until 7am.

So yes, I had a 'good sleeper' - but does that really make me a 'good parent'? My DS is 12 now and I ask myself the same question nearly every day .

I'm still waiting, mine are 13, 8 and 6

ok sometimes I think I'm doing ok but mainly I feel like I'm just keeping them alive and happy

Hmm...I think only a good parent would ask this question. So, there you go!

Hope your baby feels better soon

Don't compare yourself to others (unless you're feeling superior!) as that is pointless - you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and although they may be all over Facebook gushing about their wonderful offspring, they may just curl up in a corner with a glass of wine the minute their little one is in bed and thank god they made it through another day!

I have to say, I'm always doubting my parenting, especially DS1 who is 13, but the other day DP pulled me up on something that happened between my DD and his DD, saying how I could have handled it better.

I got quite upset about it, but later I wished I'd just said to him "Let me know when they're presenting you with the Parent of the Year award, I'd like to be there to cheer you on" and just shrugged it off. He later admitted he didn't know what I could have done differently and I know I wouldn't have handled it his way (loud shouting and then remorse and cuddles) so I am actually more confident in my parenting now having thought about it and will continue to do things the best way I know how, my way!

Oh and I agree, at that age, especially where sleep is concerned, whatever works! Enjoy it, it doesn't last long except that I still find my nearly 7 yo DD has migrated to my bed most nights

I have ds1 4.9yo and dd2 11mo and some days I feel like I've done well, and other days I feel like I've failed entirely and should quit this parenting malarkey, except, oh... you can't. I've actually just had one of the latter moments when dd2 refused to eat lunch and just screamed and I lost the plot and shouted. At an 11mo. Totally crap thing to do. I don't want to be a parent who loses it and shouts at her children unreasonably, yet occasionally I do just that. I'm still trying to fgure out how to appear calm when actually my sanity has upped and left the building. As a parent, you can only do your best. And when you mess up, or don't handle something well, you have to learn from it and try to handle the situation better next time. Pearls of wisdom from someone who doesn't currently feel like a good parent...

I feel it now DS is a toddler he follows me about like a little shadow comes and gives me random kisses and cuddles and asks for me constantly when i' m not there, it shows me i'm getting it right even though it might not be perfect he thinks i'm the best thing in the world.

The first year for us was really hard DS was a crier and didn't sleep I spent all my time wondering how I was getting it so wrong since everyone else's baby was happy I figured it was me making DS unhappy by getting things wrong for him now if i'm having a bad day I think about how happy he is to see me in the morning and I know we'll be ok.

That's how I feel! Like it's my responsibility to make sure he's happy and if he isn't then it's my fault.

Thank you for the responses though, I feel much better today.