Sorry this is long - and possibly unanswerable

[stowsettler]

This is tricky because however I phrase it I don’t think I’m going to be able to explain properly what the issue is. Anyway, here comes attempt no. 1.

DD is 7 months old and I’ve been back at work since 1st August. DP is a SAHD and is absolutely brilliant with her. She goes to nursery on Thursdays – more for her than for him but of course he gets the break on that day.

Every weekday I get up at 6am with DD, dress and feed her and then we take the dogs for a walk. Then I take her up to DP, who’s still in bed, at 7.50am and I go to work (I take her to nursery on Thursdays). I come in from work at 5.20pm and I have an hour with her, then I bath her and put her to bed. She’s usually down by 7pm and tends to sleep through til getting-up time. On weekends I do the lion’s share of childcare and I would have it no other way, because it’s the only time I get with her.

My issue is this: when do I get some time to myself? DP gets Thursdays and most of the weekend to do what he likes, although we do still do stuff as a family at some point over the weekend. I have negotiated a lie-in on one Saturday of each month, when DP gets up with her instead.

Because of my early starts, I’m usually in bed by 9pm so I hardly get any time to myself in the evenings either. I do realise that I’m incredibly lucky to have such a good sleeper in DD – but we pay for it during the day, because she never naps for more than 20 mins and is CONSTANTLY on the go – already cruising and has been crawling for ages.

Since going back to work I’ve been pretty poorly, lurching from one minor ailment to another, and yesterday I just had to have a lie-down in the afternoon because I was totally spent. I felt that DP was quite disapproving of this, and that I should spend every second I’m not working with DD.

I just feel that I have absolutely no down time. I’m starting to resent paying for DD to go to nursery because DP gets the day to himself, plus most of Sat / Sun. When do I get a day to myself? I’m sure this has contributed to my (for me) poor health since starting back at work.

I don’t want anyone to think that I resent DD, because I really don’t. But I do a 37 hour week in work, plus childcare during mornings, evenings and weekends, while DP effectively does 8-5.30 on 4 days a week. I also realise that this problem is positively negligible compared to some on here, but I’m starting to feel completely worn out. Whenever I try to ask for a bit of time to myself I’m made to feel that I should want to spend the time with DD, and I really don’t think that’s fair.

If DP could earn what I earn I’d be delighted to swap places with him, but we are where we are and I feel it’s starting to become quite an uneven partnership. But how do I change this?

That is really tough and I totally understand. I have 2 DC's (4yrs & 21mth) and went back to work full time with both of them (after 6mths with DC1 and 9mths with DC2) and the only time I get with is the morning and evening stress routine, plus weekends, so I am always torn between desperately craving some alone time and really wanting to spend the limited time I have with my children.

I don't have the same issue of having a partner who does get a day to themselves (he also works full time) and I think we manage a reasonable balance of responsibility (I get up through the night if needed, which is most nights as DC2 still wakes once, all week and he gets up with the DC's both days at weekends and I "lie in" until 8.30am) but it doesn't stop me missing alone time.

We have no family locally either so there isn't even the option of a few hours at the weekend. It has got to the point where both me and DH are considering taking a day off during the week in order to get stuff done around the house, as we have a list as long as my arm of things that desperately need doing, but we just never have the time. Maybe you could consider taking an occasional Thursday off to spend as a couple? I also think it wouldn't be unreasonable for you DH to give you the odd day off at a weekend.

I think this loss of personal space/time is the thing I have found the hardest of being a mother TBH. I love my DC's to bits, but sometimes I just want to sit in my lounge, in the quiet, and read a book or even just do nothing. I think it gets easier over time, mainly because you adjust to the new life.

Good luck and I hope you find a good balance soon xx

You need to just take some time for yourself. DH and I work FT and have 2 DC aged 3 and 7 with no family near and we soon realised that we needed a few hours each every week to do our own thing. It does mean that one evening I don't see the children at all but the space is essential and makes me a much happier parent. When the children were younger we both found the space much needed however as they get older and easier to be around we don't quite feel the same need to run out of the house screaming!

You really need to do this for yourself btw otherwise the resentment will start to fester.

I feel your pain, we have a similar issue. I work Mon-Fri 9-5, DP works shifts. He does more childcare around his shifts, so he has some horribly long 12-14 hour days between work and DD. I have the same hour or so when I get home so do bath and bedtime, and then do pretty much everything at weekend. Every few weeks we make sure DD goes to the CM on one of DP's rest days so that he gets a break.

I don't begrudge him that break in the slightest, because he does a difficult and demanding job and I fully appreciate and support the fact that he really, really needs that time to himself every few weeks. I'm more fortunate in that DD settles and sleeps well so I do get at least an hour to myself every night before bed, sometimes longer. DP on the other hand might get up at 4.30, work 8 demanding, physical hours, pick up DD at 4, look after her until I get in about 6.45, then it's dinner and straight to bed.

But I get up with her every morning. I've had about three lie-ins in the 18m since she was born. If we're both in, DP either needs the lie-in because he didn't come home from work until 2am, or he's exhausted at the end of a shift pattern. He's at work most weekends so there's no one to share a break with (though that's exactly what he has when I'm at work). It's tiring. It's very tiring. It's easy to catch all the colds going around when you're running at 90% all the time.

There's an oft repeated phrase on MN that it's about the time off you both have, not the time on, and that's what I'd be focusing on with your DH. Very simply, he gets Thursday to himself, and you don't. So while of course you want to spend the weekend with your DD and do everything with her, you do need a bit of a break. It may be that he is like my DP and assumes (in a nice way) that I want to do everything with DD at the weekend because I haven't seen her much during the week. Which is true, but an hour or two off would be nice!

If you look back on what you've written there is a big discrepancy there. If he is getting a 'lie-in' during the week until about 8, then you should get one on one morning on the weekend and he should get up at 6. Maybe you could even go back to bed with a coffee and book for an hour on that morning.

I would have a conversation with your DH about this, but a nice, calm, sensible one where you just say that you are worn out and need one lie in, or a few hours one afternoon to yourself. Don't make it accusatory but say that he has time to himself during the week and you don't. It is uneven at the moment but to me there is plenty of scope there to fix things to give you a little bit of time to yourself.

He needs to pull his weight. One lie in a month, out of 8? How is that fair? And why isn't he getting her up i the mornings?

Well - I will compare my situation my dp works full time and I work part time. Even though he loves his time with ds there is no way tht either her or I woul expect him to do all of the childcare when he is not working

I think the first step is that you have to decide what you want and need - I don't think it's healthy for all evenings and weekend to be your responsibility - and I'm surprised your partner thinks that.

Have you sat down with him and talked this through in the way you have here ?

Is there a reason why you can't do the one day a week she is at nursery rather than send her to nursery? Then you wouldn't feel so anxious about missing weekend time - I do think both partners being part time is always the best where possible ...

The way I look at this is that you both have jobs, yours at the office, his at home. He works part time (4 days a week), you work full time. So weekends should be shared... What would he do if you told him you'd booked lunch with a friend on Saturday?

My DP and I both work full time so we take it in turns to have lie ins at weekends, generally we're like you, we want to be with dd as we don't see much of her during the week but we know the option is there...

Don't feel guilty for wanting the odd hour (or more) to yourself, we're all human...

I work part time, DH works full time (shifts) so gets lots of time off at random times, but we have DS booked into cm regardless so sometimes (like this week) DH will get two days 'off' whilst I'm at work and DS is at childcare. However he invariably uses this time to get on with jobs, and the house is always spotless/garage cleared/shopping/cooking done/whatever. He also is happy to take DS out for the morning/to the park/to inlaws to give me a break if I ask him to, and I am able to book stuff with friends whenever I want to.

I always do the night wakings as and when but on DH's days off if I am getting up at 6am, he will always get DS washed and dressed and give him breakfast so I can get ready for work. I can't believe he's lying in every single day. That's ridiculous.

I think you need to take a whole weekend day every other week. A lie in, off out for a few hours, back to cook dinner and do bath.

We do one lie in a week. I get a Sat morning & DH gets a Sun morning. DH is at training on Tues & Thurs evenings and I am out at Yoga & Roller Derby on Mon & Wed evenings.

I don't understand why you need to spend every waking second of the weekend with dd. You see her every morning and night. It really doesn't work that way for working dads. I take every Saturday or Sunday morning for yourself. Lie in, coffee shop, gym, whatever floats your boat.

Thank you everyone. I think I just needed a bit of reassurance that I'm not being completely selfish here. Don't get me wrong, DP is really really good in general and is fine if, once in a while, I book something away from DD on the weekend. But I'm starting to realise that I need something a bit more regular.
I always get her up because I'm an early bird and he's a night owl. Also I walk the dogs before work - again he would do it if asked, and will do when the mornings get darker, but I like to do it because they were my babies long before DP and DD came along. But I must admit thurlow, the idea of going back to bed with a coffee once in a while is very appealing.
I will take your advice and speak to DP about it. I think a few hours off on a Saturday or Sunday would be brilliant.
waterrat, I do plan to go part time eventually but I need to wait until next year - either I'll go part time next summer or after my next mat leave - can't believe I'm even considering another DC!
Thanks again

It sounds like a lot of the issue here may be your own guilt and natural desire to spend as much time with your child as is humanly possible - but as everyone knows, that is never how full time working dads are expected to think!

My partner plays sport once a week - that's his time, even though he is also out at work all week - he needs winding down time and personal space - we all do.

so, if you need the time to yourself then you have to allow yourself to want it - you can't function if you aren't healthy, rested and have some space to get away from your child/ family ocassionally.

The guilt side of it is hard, especially when you are the parent who is out at work all day. I think it is worse for women, though whether that is a natural or societal thing I'm not sure. I feel the same as I have the 'dad' routine of half an hour a day during the week.

But you can't run yourself ragged. You'll be a better parent for taking an hour or two to yourself at the weekend to just recharge.

Hello Stowsettler. I agree with other posters that you need a regular day off weekly or fortnightly but just another thought that could help sometimes. If you have enough annual leave, how about booking some Thursdays off, say book in one a month or 6 weekly for the next few months in advance. Having them in the diary to look forward to could be a good feeling. I hope talking to your dp goes well and you can sort something out as I know how absolutely intense it is being a parent and how tough it is to try and make sure there is some 'you-time' too.

Hi everyone. I spoke to him and he was pretty much fine about it. I think he's realised that I'm getting run down and has accepted that I need to have some down time. I've asked if I can have one lie-in each weekend and a few hours to myself whenever suits us all on the weekend. He was ok with that - even suggested taking DD down with him to watch our local rugby team on Saturdays so I could have the afternoon to myself.
Thurlow, waterrat you're right - it's the guilt more than anything, and yes it does seem that women feel this more than men - probably because traditionally women were seen as caregivers. But I'm very much a 'doer' and need to be busy all the time (DD takes after me unfortunately!!) so I tend to take on more than I probably should.
memememum I had thought about booking some Thursdays off, and I will do that in future - however I've allocated most of my annual leave for the year now but this will definitely be a feature come January.

As to this weekend - well I'm going away with my sister so have the whole weekend off from Friday - Sunday. It's been in the diary since before I even knew I was going to get pregnant and I can't wait!
Thanks for giving me the kick up the arse I needed. Hopefully things will be a bit less hectic from now on.

Guilt is unfortunately the curse of the modern day mum - either guilt because you work and feel you aren't spending enough time with your kids, or guilt because you are a SAHM and you feel you should be working, or guilt because you try to do both and feel like you're succeeding at neither. There is no perfect balance!

I'm glad your dh has been amenable to your suggestions. Personally, I feel that the parent not working during the week should do the getting up Mon-Fri, and you should each take a turn for a lie in at the weekend. I only work Monday evenings till midnight and the rest of the time am a SAHM. I do all the getting up at night and have done since dd2 was born (she is 11mo) and I get up with her at 5.30am every morning during the week. That is rough on a Tuesday when I essentially get to bed at 1am and then get up at 5.30 or 6am. Dh usually gets up with dd2 on a Saturday and I get a lie in, and he usually takes ds1 to his football lesson late morning, while I stay home with dd2. I get up early on Sunday while he sleeps in, and the rest of the weekend we usually spend together. Dh gets out a couple of times a week for a run and to the gym, usually one evening during the week and once at the weekend.

It is hard with parenting if you both feel that your efforts are underappreciated and you can start to resent the other if they manage any time to themselves if it feels like you don't have any. I do struggle with time to myself and understand that it is important or you do start to feel very run down and fed up. It sounds a little like you're doing all the childcare at weekends but can you not do more as a family? You and dh can both have a break when you wish but often it is fun to just go somewhere for the day or an afternoon at the park with the three of you together. I don't wish to sound too harsh to your dh, but I'm not sure he needs quite such a break at the weekends - you do the mornings during the week and bedtime, he is by no means having to do everything himself. I am married to a surgeon who works long hours and so I do all the childcare with a baby and a 4yo, that's just how it rolls. For a SAHD he has got it easy!

That sounds great, well done! Sometimes things become a huge issue in our head when actually we just haven't had a good chat about it. Enjoy your weekend

DOn't use your free time to go food shopping, ok?!

Ha but I actually enjoy food shopping!

I did a quick tot-up of the hours each of us is 'on duty', so to speak. I do around 70hours of work or sole childcare per week. He does about 36 hours.

But thankfully he's agreeable to a change, so I'm happy! I was thinking about it this morning - there's no way I'd want him to get her up as a rule, because by doing that I still feel that I have a lot of input into her care. I reckon that would go if he got her up so that I could get a lie-in. However, I may suggest that he do 1 morning a week in due course.

Thanks again - I'm looking forward to my newly-refound leisure time!