Overcoming the (well-deserved) guilt

[monsterhurting]

I just don’t really know where to turn with this, really, so have namechanged and come on here. I’m just feeling really REALLY haunted by dreadful feelings of guilt. They’re very much justified but I just don’t really know where to put them, how to act on them, iyswim.

For the first 4.5 years of DC1’s life (he’s now 9) I was in a really bad way emotionally. We lived far away from family and friends, my marriage was breaking down slowly and painfully and looking back I’m certain I had quite bad PND which went undiagnosed and untreated and just grew and grew (due, in part, to my huge fears around the stigma of asking for help and appearing incompetent, ironic, as you’ll see….).

I’m so so much better now. We moved much closer to loved ones, the end of the marriage got sorted eventually and now we’re really amicable co-parents, I had two years of therapy for my own issues and can honestly say I’m in the best shape I’ve been in for years emotionally and know all the tools to never live that unhappily again. And I’m the best mum I can possibly be.

But when I think back to those dark days…. I have horrible flashbacks. I did my best as a parent, of course, and for most of the time got through, I would say that 99percent of the time I was ‘good enough’ and gave him loving, nourishing care.

But I was so unaware of how bad a state I was in, and how 'not OK' this was for an innocent little boy to grow up around. He sometimes saw me crying when he was a toddler, I would get frustrated and anxious over the tiniest things, I really don't think he had a very good start.

And to my utter horror I now realize there were rare times when I lost it and was really, properly abusive. I’ve always been adamantly anti-smacking, etc. but what I don’t think I realized when he was small was that doing something physical, eg, dressing, putting him into the car seat and being angry at the same time would lead to me doing these things TOO ROUGHLY out of frustration. So there were times when he was playing up and I’d end up overpowering him physically and forcing him into whatever action I was trying to do. The worst one I remember was when he was being silly and resisting as I was trying to put on a jumper rushing out the door and I ended up manhandling him into it so roughly I accidentally scratched his neck. He still has a scar. God. I feel like a total monster and feel sick every time I see it. Of course I didn’t intend to harm him but it wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t angry and didn’t fail to control myself. I think my parents were this way with me so it wasn’t until the fog of my depression lifted that I was able to see to my horror that I was vulnerable to repeating the same patterns. Not an excuse, I know, just an indicator of my subsequently developed awareness. I take full responsibility for the utter unacceptable dreadfulness of my actions.

Now nothing remotely like this has happened for years. I’m very very conscious these days and if I feel myself getting angry I vocalize it and remove myself from the situation before I start shouting. My body’s physical reactions to stress and anger are very much noticed and kept in check. I have no worries whatsoever about my children’s safety moving forward.

But honestly this guilt just seems to be getting worse and I don’t know how to process it. I’m not looking for anyone to come along and say ‘there there, you didn’t do anything wrong’ because I know I did. I know it’s deeply regrettable and unforgivable. But does anyone maybe have any words of wisdom on how to move on from such feelings so they stop consuming me and getting in the way?

I’m even considering ‘turning myself in’ to the police for assault… that way I know I’ve got my just desserts? But then am I just being a drama queen and failing to deal with my own stuff once again at the expense of my children’s wellbeing (thinking of the fallout that would cause).

Just reaching out from my own hell… if anyone has anything whatsoever to say in response then I’ll be grateful.

Family therapy?

Gosh, that's a thought. I have talked about it with DS, let him know how sorry I am, that it wasn't his fault, but to maybe have these conversations again in an assisted setting will further help DS's healing. All I want is to minimise the damage done to him in the long term.

Thank you.

Well, exactly. How on earth would that help your child? It would just hurt him and give you more things to feel guilty about.

You need to talk to someone about how you are feeling. I'm not understanding what you have done that is 'unforgivable' which suggests to me that perhaps you are maybe not quite well yet. At any rate I think for your own sake you need to make peace with your past (which is not the same as having no regrets).

My mum and I once had a long conversation about my childhood (which was far from happy). The incidents that she had been flagellating herself for for years I could barely remember.

I have talked about it with DS, let him know how sorry I am, that it wasn't his fault, but to maybe have these conversations again in an assisted setting will further help DS's healing.

I find this really worrying. I would be amazed - amazed - if he can even remember the incidents that you're beating yourself up about. He can't have been more than 4.5 years old, from what you've written, and had a 99% perfect childhood by your own admission. He won't even have subconscious impressions.

What healing do you think he needs? Honestly?

But if you keep flagellating yourself over them, and to his face, then you risk doing really, serious damage to your relationship with him.

Please, please go back to your GP because I agree with the PP that you're not well in yourself just at the moment.

Wishing you the very best for the future.

Thank you. I want to be well. I want to be the best parent I can possibly be. I want to be on top of things for my children's sake, self-contained, responsible, compassionate and confident... a secure base for them. If that means getting more help for myself then that's what I'll do. Thanks again.

I can relate to your situation. It sounds like you had a lot to deal with when your DS was little - marriage breakdown, possible PND, isolation from friends and family etc. Each of these would test most people and create stress which makes us behave in sometimes less-than-favourable ways. There was also a lot of change to adjust to in what seems like a short space of time.

You had a choice to carry on as your were or to take steps to make things better. You moved closer to people that could support you, came out of your previous relationship and took on some therapy. All these were brave steps and show a great deal of courage and honesty on your part. Well done to you for recognising your situation and to trying to facilitate change for your son!

Some parents do slip up in terms of chastisement and discipling their children when they are under stress themselves. It is incredibly difficult to get right. It is right and just that if your are rough with your child that you should examine that and learn about why your reaction was as it was (as you have been doing).

Children think most about what is happening right now; rather than dwelling on the past. The reality is that you cannot take back your past actions and perhaps should accept that you were under significant pressure at the time. You can promise to handle things differently in future with your son and as he gets older share what things you have done to help improve your relationship. I am sure that you will get closer as he understands that you thought enough of him to modify your parenting. Talking about these things sometimes develops emotional intelligence in your children.

I think children respect parents that are honest with themselves and who are able to be transparent about their mistakes (we are all human after all).

Try to be kind to yourself. Well done for your progress so far.

Such a compassionate and supportive response. Thank you so much. It looks like maybe I need to build the strength I need to deliver these messages to myself. I'll do my very best.

And I agree with those who urge me not to involve my son in this process - it was just that he brought it up one time a while ago (he has a VERY) sharp memory) so I felt the need to be honest with him and explain myself in response. I definitely don't want to be dragging it up with him repeatedly for my own benefit, so that's not what I've been doing.

But I am heeding the advice that I may need to access more help to properly sort myself out.

Guilt, eh. I guess there's a fine line between being open to the important and useful messages it gives and spiralling into a destructive black hole.

If he brought it up, that's great! It means that he isn't intimidated by you or scared of calling you out on it - and it means that he understands that was an "old" you and isn't you at all now. Which means that he is able to (perhaps even has already) dealt with it, processed it and moved on.

Of course it would have been better if it hadn't happened at all, but children suffer all sorts of traumatic experiences for all sorts of reasons - we've just moved country for example and it's had a massive effect on DS' behaviour - he is nearly 5. I know this is a positive thing (in the long term) rather than a negative, but at the moment he is just reacting to the trauma and not processing the long term effects. Maybe that's a bad example - but think of children growing up in all sorts of situations, they have all sorts of stresses, and they come through it. You are feeling this guilt because you feel that you were the sole cause of this trauma, but really what is important isn't what caused it, but how he is dealing with it now.

Guilt, eh. I guess there's a fine line between being open to the important and useful messages it gives and spiralling into a destructive black hole.

Yes, exactly. Guilt itself is an entirely useless emotion - it is useful when it compells us to examine our behaviour and accept responsibility for our mistakes, and when it makes us take positive steps to avoid those behaviours in the future. And that is in a positive "I am going to do x and y to make sure I don't behave that way again" rather than a constant beating yourself over the head with a stick kind of way. Your post was extremely honest and insightful and you have clearly taken steps to improve your mental state so that you know you can now be a good and safe parent. You need to lay the guilt down now and accept that you cannot change the past, but you can change the future. As another poster commented, he will not remember much of what happened when he was little. You said that he brought something up recently which makes you think he remembers it all, but in reality, even if he has a very sharp memory, from that young age he will recall a few isolated incidents, not as much as you are fearing. If you continue to do your best and ensure that your parenting remains as calm and rational as possible from hereon in, those incidents will not form a large part of who he is and who he becomes. His overriding memories of childhood will be that it was largely stable and happy. Personally I feel that taking him to therapy to address these issues may end up creating issues for him where he might not have had any. There is an option for that when he is a bit older, if it did become more of an issue, but for now I'd be inclined to say just let it go and allow it to be a dark time in the past that is much more vivid for you than it will be now for him.

You may feel like you are the only mum to lose it in the way you did, but you are not alone in that respect. I haven't been through what you have, but can recall times when ds1 was smaller when I too saw the red mist and manhandled him roughly, and that is an uncomfortable thing to think about. There are also mums and dads who do physically abuse their children and don't feel guilt for it. You are not anywhere close to being in that camp, please don't allow your guilt to tell you that you are.

You have plenty of time to turn this around so that any old memories become just that - old memories that are no longer a part of your family and will in time be overtaken by the good memories of a happy childhood. Please please allow yourself to let the guilt go and to move on. Holding onto the guilt is not helping your son - the best way to help him is to lay it down and move forward. All the best x

Thank you so much, this has been tremendously helpful. It's so kind of you all to have taken the time to offer such thoughtful responses. I feel so much lighter already. Coming on here has helped my son. That is wonderful :-)

Thanks again. And love.