I have bad parenting skills. Please help me!

[hangemhigh]

Hi

I am not a regular but have name changed as some friends in rl know my usual nn. I am sorry, this is awful to admit and I fear it may be quite long :(

A bit of background. DS is 4.4. DH works away a lot, often for weeks at a time, sometimes longer. We don't live near either parents or siblings and don't have any close friends here (we moved from abroad for dh's job) so in a lot of ways I have been a lone carer. I didn't have ds until I was 41 and he was a very restless and whiney baby. I haven't had one night away from him and it has been shattering. I am disappointed as I always thought we would have 2 dc but I could never manage another one.

This past year dh has spent more time with ds. When they are together he is very well behaved but there is a distinct change when I am there. DH has said this is because I don't parent "effectively". I have pushed this to one side, saying how hard it is yada yada BUT the thing is, he is right. I have no idea how to effectively parent. I really don't seem to have any idea how to discipline properly. DS had language problems and has seen a raft of specialists for it and was always a bit delayed developmentally in certain areas (i.e. when his peers were hitting each other at 2 he didn't but he started it last year and is still doing it now some times). I should say, he has been at nursery part time for almost 4 years at nursery and was very well behaved, has been behaved if he stays at friends and is well behaved at school (all 2 weeks of it!) The problem is definitely me!

It has really become apparent to me now that he has started school. He is fine if we walk alone to/from school but when we walk in a group with other children, mums and dads, he always whinges, whines and plays up and I can't get him to stop. I threaten not to bring his scooter the next day - and don't - but he still creates. It is embarrassing as he is the only child in the group to do it - he has had multiple tantrums on every day we have walked with them - and I am worried it will mean he won't be invited to people's houses, etc. as he is just too much trouble.

I have thought a lot about this, obviously, and I think part of it is that I have no idea how to guage the punishment. In the heat of the moment I always vere towards the hardest I can think of (i.e. OK, we are not going out, you need to go to your room to think about what you did, etc.) This is also not helped when I am with other people who I think are judging me (because they probably are!) and, when DS doesn't apologise, I go into overdrive.

Please can anyone offer any advice? I have looked into parenting courses they run locally but they are in the evening (and I can't go because DH is away so often). I really want to be a great parent and want to have a good and fun relationship with my son 100% of the time not just 80% of the time as it is now.

Thanks - and sorry it's so long.

A) This is not an awful thing to admit. We don't get a manual with a newborn!
B) You won't be able to have fun 100% of the time. Sorry. Kids push boundaries and sometimes need consequences.
C) Ignore tantrums. I will actually walk away or say come and find me when you have finished!
D) Consequences need to be immediate and ideally related to bad behaviour. Eg you throw that and I will confiscate.
E) Stay calm! (Deep breaths!)
F) Behaviour is a choice. You can do x behaviour and this nice reward will happen. Or y choice will lead to this consequence.
G) Allow take up time. Don't punish before they've had the chance to make a good decision.
H) PRAISE lots! Kids generally want praise and will try and keep doing behaviour that is rewarded.
I) No idea why I have bullet pointed this. I blame the fact it's late! But also remember all parents sometimes find it hard and I defy any parent to claim they've never struggled! Hang on in there!

Gosh. Now THAT was long! Sorry.

Thanks for replying Wolfie. It was shorter than mine and very helpful being in bullet points.

It's good to know I haven't ruined everything and it is salvegable (sp?). I just wish I had someone round more so I could see how they 'parent' but as we rarely see the grandparents on either side (who are all excellent parents, I should add) we have a different relationship because instead of it being just a casual visit we have had to make a special effort to stay for a week and I know they don't want to tread on my toes. I know they all judge me too, which causes my knee jerk reactions!

So, on the walk to/from school, should I just keep walking. He has such big meltdowns I have to react to save face. Is that wrong?

Firstly - you're most likely not as bad as you think you are!

Secondly, when my daughter began playing up (at nearly 4 rather than 2) I found the book, 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' very helpful. Its used as a parenting course in some places, so written with examples. Sometimes quite laboured points or contrived examples but I stuck with it and have found it very helpful in relating to my older child.

Thirdly - if you wanted a group or course it would be worth asking your hv. There are often daytime courses, and there's on shame in ringing up and just asking if they know of any courses running as you fancy brushing up on skills or have some issues you'd like to think through. Doesn't at all make you a bad parent (just the opposite in fact).

Around here there are parenting courses run through churches and the schools, as well as hv run ones. Your parent information service would be another option.

its very common to over punish as emotion gets in the way. think calmly about what you feel would be suitable for a unwelcome behavior then when the behavior happens its more a response rather than having to think on the spot.

the behavior seems to be attention seeking so unless its dangerous you should ignore it. i completely understand how uncomfortable it is to have a child misbehave in front of others. would it be possible to speak to the parents out of the children's hearing just say you are sorting out some behavior problems. to be honest if they judge you for that i would cut my loses and walk with someone else.

the more positive attention you give, loads eye contact, praise, thumbs up high fives that sort of thing, start small if you have to and do it loads you cannot and i repeat cannot spoil a child with praise.

children very often have no idea what they have done so go to your room and think about what you have done is unlikely to work.

explain carefully what he has done wrong name the behavior not the child as to improve self esteem.

rewards work better than punishment so when you first see him tell him the behavior you would like, the words 'good' and 'behave' mean nothing. tell him exactly what you want never what you don't want.

ask him if he would prefer if it was just the two of you he could feel unsettled with the other children maybe you would need to work upto walking with others.

on the basis of the 80% i would say you are doing a fantastic job. no body and i mean no body gets it right all the time. parents sometimes lie and that just makes other parents feel bad about themselves.
hope this helps

Walking home from school in a group - its all new and exciting at school. Does he find it hard to share your attention? After the initial hug and hope you had a good day - can you say to him that you're looking forwards to hearing more about it when you get home /there's a piece of cake on the table at home waiting for him etc?

Its tery tiring starting a new school and emotionally hard work too for them.

Thanks little and idream. Again, very helpful.

The other parents might not be judging me, just I imagine they would. I mean, they all have children that walk nicely every day (or have so far) and it is just my DS that, every day, has tantrums! I am being included in things and am hopeful I can turn things around.

I also like the naming the behaviour I want. I do know that when he has 100% of my attention he is good but he can't always have that, obviously. I do get angry as well and sometimes shout when I shouldn't. I know that makes me hypocritical.

Thanks for the reassurance that it's not just me. My dh is as nice as he can be. He has heard me moaning about how hard it is but it's mostly of my main making. I heard a mum discipline her son the other morning and she just said "it ends here" and he behaved. I want that. Well, actually, I would prefer how my husband has it and has a well behaved boy all the time!

Littlerobots. Yes, he's shattered after a day at school. He loves walking with the others, we used to live in a tiny village and there were no other children his age and now we live in a town, so it's all a novelty and I have encouraged it so I can meet some other parents. Maybe I need to take a step back and rather than chatting to them focus more on him? All the other children run ahead or scoot ahead if they have scooters so all the parents talk. It's just des that lags behind and tantrums :(

I agree with everyone else and might suggest before the walk to school discuss the trip in a light and casual way about how you want the walk to look: he will smile, say hello, walk safely etc.

My experience is that children need to be explicitly taught how good behaviours look as being "good" is abstract.

Maybe mention a reward system if you think it will help eg sticker, give dad a call to tell him how good he was etc and lots of praise.

Thanks StupidFlanders. I guess I just want him to be good for me like he is for everyone else and feel a bit of a failure that I am the only one who hasn't mastered it :(

I will definitely implement some of everyone's fab suggestions.

Can I come back for advice if it doesn't all go as planned? I don't have anyone in re to ask (too ashamed as everyone else seems to have mastered it and dh just says I don't follow through with threats but some days that's all I seem to do!)

And thanks all for not flaming me for being a bad parent!

another thing that works well with children is the WHEN and THEN sentence
WHEN you have walked home, talking nicely etc THEN you can have some special cake, story play a game etc.

as for the mum above that didn't just happened she had to work at that.

it will come remember I SAY I MEAN I DO every single time without fail if you don't mean it don't say it if your not going to follow through don't say it.

I have felt like this too. My dh would say Im not effective too, I was always being told I was too soft and whenever I was out with the children I felt that I was being judged too - which knocks your confidence to implement any parenting effectively, it's a viscous circle. What helped for me was to keep telling myself I was a good parent and that I was effective, kids can kind of sense when your telling them off but inside you're just willing them to stop as its embarrassing. I'm sure you know what I mean. It's the punishment said with conviction rather than the punishment itself.
My kids are teenagers now - it's my turn to embarrass them apparently.

It is totally normal for children to behave beautifully at nursery/ with the parent who does less caring, and then act up for primary carer.

You may be less than perfect (aren't we all) but that is a fact of life, and it is not because you are a bad parent.

Thanks chinup and bumpstarter.

Chin-up. Exactly! Except I am obviously not good at punishing with conviction. I feel so worn down by it my dh said I whine as much as DS sometimes

Also, thinking about it, only 2 of the other parents have only one child (and have therefore been doing this longer than me!)

OK, so we start with discussing what behaviour I want and pay lots of good attention. Guess, I can put off chatting to other parents for a few weeks. I just don't want to not be me part of the group iykwim (and they all seem lovely so I don't want them to ditch me!)

Maybe I need to get a bit of self confidence here too... (And I am usually quite assertive elsewhere in life!)

Sounds like you have some practical things to try. I'd agree with being clear what behaviour you expect and what that means in return ie stickers. I even drew DS a diagram last year to explain how mornings needed to work as he wasn't good at getting ready for school.

Re your "perfect parent" DH. I wonder if there is an element with your DS that having time with DH is a novelty? If he wasn't around much for the first few years, perhaps you are seen as the 'boring everyday parent' and he is the fun one who just appears every now and then, Disney Dad syndrome...

Re sanctions. Could you add things into the day (reading to him after school, or drawing with him etc) that can be withdrawn if the desired good behaviour doesn't happen? It means there is less need for more drastic sanctions.

It should get easier as he grows.

And can you find away to have a night away from DS. Sounds like you could do with a break.

Your son could be my eldest, he is now almost 6. My instinctive reactions are similar to yours. However, I also read the "how to talk" book and it has helped.

He was perfectly behaved at school and then the second he got outside of the building he would have a melt down and scream at me. It was awful so embarrassing and I can't honestly say I reacted well myself. Mostly I was mystified as I couldn't really understand what was going on and I just left the area as quickly as I could as nothing else seemed to work.

Now, I have found that if I feed him (bring him a snack) and as soon as I pick him up from school and I focus only on him for the first few minutes it helps (very limited chatting with other parents), once he feels he has had my attention then I try not to rush off then I will get time with the other parents/children.

MrsMargotLeadbetter. Yes, that is definitely how he sees my dh (and dh knows this too). DH didn't really spend much one on one time with him when he was younger but now loves being with him so when he is home they do "boys things". It's great but I am definitely the boring, everyday parent. That said, we do have some lovely times together (when I give him 100% attention). Dh and I are trying to get some time away alone but it's difficult to find someone to have DS as we are so far away from family and he doesn't really know anyone well enough to stay. Will have to work on that one.

Humble - thanks. It gives me hope that it will get better. I was thinking of taking a snack with me and think I will do as you suggest, just focus on DS for the first few minutes. He's the one usually rushing past me to get to the park/walk home with the others though. I think I might try next week to just walk on our own if possible and then we have something I can praise him for and say I want replicated.

Thank you all SO much. I have also downloaded the "how to talk book" on my kindle.