Toddler tantrums - how do you deal with them?!

[ShreddedHoops]

Just that really. I want to be the firm but fair parent, consistent and kind, natural consequences, no punishments or lavish praise/reward.

But DS 2yo is going through what I am sure is a perfectly normal phase of, if I say no to something or take something from him, just getting so so upset and out of control emotionally! I try to repeat the 'no' firmly, and walk away and do whatever, cook or clean, but he gets so upset! I feel so stupid even writing this, but I have never left him to cry as a baby and now I feel like I'm leaving him to sort his own emotions out alone I had an abusive childhood so am always fearful of repeating history... my mother would get so angry when I cried and tell at me to stop, and often just shut me in my bedroom to 'cry it out'. I have no idea where I am on the scale of 'massively attached mum' to 'impatient unkind mum' and I'm obsessing about it.

God this has turned into a bit of a rant, sorry. But I just want to know how to handle him! There really must be a correct way, as humans if we haven't worked out the best way of helping toddlers through their emotions then we are pretty crap, no?

I used to join in with the tantrum. My boys would be so shocked that they would stop!

Distraction or ignore have always worked well too

Distract, then ignore and if that still isn't working time out. Try not to over think things and I can recommend the book toddler taming which I found really useful for explaining toddler behaviour.

Distract. Ignore. Offer alternate choices although I am not always a huge fan of this. I think learning that a 'no' is a 'no' no matter how much you scream and shout is a valuable life lesson. When he is calmer you can explain why something is a no. Also helps to keep rules simple so the 'no' is rare but firm. But after one attempt at distraction, a second attempt at an alternate choice I ignore. I say intermittently, 'if you calm down, then we will do x'. Rarely I also use a quiet space where I sit him down and sit with him (not time out), hold his hand and say soothing things. The key I am told is to forgive and move on. But ignoring while not actually ignoring iykwim is key. You Are there for them, offer a cuddle etc but you don't actually give in to what the tantrum is about. It's not about toddler behaviour management btw, it is about the emotional maturity of his rapidly developing brain. And the reason it is less developed than that of animals is because if it was, we wouldn't be able to physically give birth!

Sometimes a tantrum has to run its course. Almost come out the other side iswim. I stay close, am sympathetic but firm, appear calm (note appear), sometimes i verbalise the problem for him "i understand you feel sad about xyz" or "it's ok to feel cross about xyz". I offer cuddles, sometimes humour will diffuse the situation, sometimes i quietly get on with something else (flick through a book, tidy up toys, sort washing). Depending on what the tantrums was about we sometimes talk about it afterwards but not to tell him off more to talk about what happened and to help him to make sense of it.

Thanks, really useful advice

Distract then ignore seems doable, and the thing about ignoring them but still being there I like - I feel cruel literally ignoring him when he's sobbing and wailing.

Will order that book - I've got Playful Parenting which I must get round to reading as I know lots of people swear by it, although I don't know how useful it is for tantrums.

It's so hard though - when they're babies, we give them everything they want, then suddenly we start denying them things they want - it must be very confusing.

I just mainly want to stop myself from reacting with impatience or even anger - being told to stop crying was the most horrible thing, and I don't want to do it to DS but I have done so many times 'oh for God's sake stop crying, you're not getting [whatever]' then he obviously just cries more!

I'm quite an emotional person drama queen and I'm worried DS will turn out the same if he continues the way he is, when the tiniest thing is the world's worst ever catastrophe.

And DH and my in-laws spoil him rotten, so if they say no and he gets upset, they spend ages pacifying and cuddling him, which just isn't how I want to deal with it, so I feel even more cruel!