Stressed when husband is home (long)

[gretagrape]

Hi. I'm feeling a bit down about my relationship with my husband at the mo so just wanted a bit of advice really.

We have a 6 month old, and due to my husband's long hours, he only sees the baby for a few minutes in the morning during the week. This means that at weekends, he understandably wants us to do lots of fun things with our son to make the most of his time with us.

Our son has had TT, reflux and CMA and the first few weeks were pretty horrendous, and it's only in teh last month or so that he has become a really happy, smiley baby and I've been able to get him into a vague routine of napping. I'm not a control freak wanting strict routine, it's just that before he was constantly overtired and bathtime was a nightmare, so I'm really proud that I've been able to improve this for my son's sake as he's now so much happier getting more sleep.

I totally understand that my husband wants to do fun things rather than just staying at home, but sometimes I find it really hard to adjust to him being here - for 5 days a week I can only rely on myself to do the best I can and I think I'm doing an ok job, but at the weekends I feel like I lose all my confidence because the routine of playing/napping/walking/whatever gets messed up and my husband will do things differently to how I might do them. (I have had PND which has improved, but it has meant that it's taken me a while to feel as though I'm doing ok). Also, it means that very little gets done in the house apart from the usual daily stuff, and when little'un starts crawling soon, this house will be a bloody deathtrap so we really need to get some organising done.

He is a very hands-on dad, I don't want to give the impression that he won't do the boring stuff, he does and he has been amazing in supporting me through some awful weeks - I suppose I just want advice on whether anyone else has had this experience when their partner is only around at weekends, and how I can communicate with him as every time I ask him if we can stay at home it seems to end up with me sounding really petty because he only gets two days with us. I want our weekends to be happy, not stressful or full of arguments.

Thanks
x

Hmm, i can see both sides. I have 2 dc and dc1 was a refluxy non-sleeping nightmare. Wwouldn't sleep anywhere really but absolutely screamed in the buggy and car. With him id have said, look why don't we go somewhere in the morning but we need to be back by 12 for his nap.

Dc2 will nap in buggy or car luckily, so we go out all over. She also sleeps a bit better at night so I'm just a partial zombie!

Perhaps suggest another month of things close to home and then start to be braver.

Alternatively if he's v hands in why not leave him to it for the day. He'll gain perspective, you'll get a break (have a spa with friends!) and though he won't do it your way it won't harm your ds.

I really do understand where you're coming from but it's no way to spend the next 2 years stuck in the house. He may surprise you and sleep in the buggy. If it is a dreadful day you'll be able to show your Dh why it's better your way for now.

Can you meet in the middle somehow? Is there a local park where you can just go for a stroll and feed the ducks, but ds still be able to nap at home? Sometimes the simple trips out like that can be the nicest. Take a thermos of coffee with you to share. You'll need a thermos, if you don't already have one, for all those trips to the park in winter with a lively young boy! And perhaps have one quieter day close to home and one day where you venture out a bit further afield, if dh is really keen to. I totally understand about the routine and naps, but babies can often be more adaptable than you expect, and you do need them to be from time to time, or life gets very restrictive. Dd2 is nearly 11mo and has two nnaps a day - I try to make sure she gets one of these at home, where she'll sleep properly, but the other is often in the carseat. She is probably a bit happier and less tired in the late afternoon if she has had both naps at home, but with ds1 being in school and having playdates and football and swimming that just isn't possible. I don't think you need to worry that adapting your routine one day a week will cause havoc with sleep. If what you are doing during the week is consistent then the odd different day will be just that, rather than your whole routine out the window.

Meant to say also, re getting stuff done in the house, if it's within financial possibility, get a cleaner. Really, do it now. Don't think, as I did, oh I'm at home I'll manage til I go back to work. Work is so much easier than being at home with a baby. My cleaner is fab and it's the best money I spend each week. May also have saved my marriage too!!

Thanks for your responses.

I don't want to stay in the house all the time either, but I want my husband to become as familiar with being at home as I am - once I go back to work in a couple of months he is going to go part time so there will be days when it is just him and the baby and in the depths of winter going out for the day isn't always going to be an option, so I want him to feel happy and comfortable being at home, putting our son down for his naps, etc, etc.

I do try to be flexible as I can see my husband's side so I've said that unless it's a special day out then I'd prefer for us to go out in the mornings (which is when my son tends to catnap anyway, whether in the cot or the pram) so we are at home for the decent nap in the afternoon. I guess that is quite restrictive though so I might go for your suggestion of saying if we have 1 day out then we have the other day at home.

Unfortunately getting a cleaner isn't an option at the moment and my husband does most of that anyway (massive bonus!). It's things like the broken concrete fireplace, wires everywhere, boxes of stuff in what will become our son's room and hideous spiky plants all over the garden that need to be tackled!

Thanks
x

By the way, I don't make my husband do the cleaning on his tiny 2 days off - I'm not a witch! He says he finds it relaxing (?).