Getting REALLY desperate: baby hijacks our evenings

[TrixieLox]

I really thought this would resolve itself by 3 months but it seems to be getting worse: my 15 week old baby girl simply will not settle from the time she has her bath etc to about 9pm or 10pm. My hubby and I have to take it in turns to have dinner and just can't relax. The last straw came last night when I went to cinema and came home to find my hubby hadn't eaten dinner cos our daughter had played up all evening.

By playing up, I mean she either cries or yelps in excitement, trying to get our attention and refusing to sleep.

We've tried everything: putting her in her crib upstairs (she screams hysterically so we have her downstairs in her vibrating chair or sitting on us), starting her bedtime routine earlier / later (yes, she has a routine: naked kickaround, story, bath), low lights and sounds, ignoring her, 'tricking' her by pretending to sleep upstairs, etc etc. Sometimes, some of these work and we think we've cracked it. Then she's at it again. She's perfect in every other way and sleeps through from 9pm or 10pm to 7am.

The advice we're getting divides into two camps: a) You're too soft, time to start controlled crying, or b) This is just what babies do, it'll sort itself out soon.

I feel 3 months is too early to start CC but am actually on the verge of trying it now. I also feel that no, it won't sort itself out and no, babies shouldn't be like this at this age. She's got into a habit and unless we stop it, it'll be the story of our lives for the next few years. I know people who's kids don't have their bedtime until 9pm or 10pm and evenings are havoc, I DO NOT want to be in that situation.

Please help before I start controlled crying (or maybe you recommend I do?!).

Hi Trixie. Many people post without reading all the other comments so I hope you're not feeling too fed up with negative comments as many people are repeating the same points about babies' sleep! I'm guessing you've changed your expectations about sleep and evenings now You'll get your evenings back in time. Like I posted earlier, mine started going to bed at a 'proper bedtime' of around 7pm when they were weaned at 6mo and dropped the late evening milk feed. But yes, best to have low expectations re sleep, as one day you think you've cracked it and then you hit a period of sleep regression and go back to being exhausted. Each phase doesn't usually last too long and can be caused by anything from teething to colds to growth spurts. Just ride with it and when you wake in the morning and realise you've had an unbroken sleep then you can feel chuffed! I'm still waiting for that to happen with dd2 11mo...

My 4th was the same 10-7 from 8 weeks. Now we are weaning (7 months) and hes gradually going down earlier, between 8 and 9 but does occasionally wake in the night now

Tbh I think myself lucky, the others woke 2 or 3 times a night until 2-3 years old

He is very fussy for a couple of hours before going to bed too, always has been. It is getting better though

I haven't read the whole thread, but think this is really normal and sleeping through 10-7 is good at that age (I am jealous!) I think naps were mentioned, our ds was 'slow' to settle at night and I think that when our next dc arrives I will try to get them to have a little mini nap around 4.30, as feel that ds perhaps was overtired, not sure if this will work? I read lots of sleep books and liked Elizabeth pantley no cry sleep solution the best, but if you are pro routine you might like gina ford, she is very much at the other end of the spectrum and disliked by many but she tells it to you straight and I think all sleep experts will have similar views on need for daytime sleep in order to get nighttime right. Just word of warning on gina, my personal opinion is she doesn't really understand breastfeeding and therefore I would not follow her advice to the letter.
Other thongs I found really helped our evenings was a selection of recipes which could be eaten with just a fork, so spaghetti was replaced with penne or similar, rice also good, jacket potatoes... It will soon be a distant memory.

your baby is doing really well imho. I have a 2.4 year old who still doesn't sleep through and wakes 1-6 times a night! we have used a sleep consultant etc to no avail...your baby sounds like it is doing great and definitely knows night and day which is a major breakthrough by 15 weeks and also sleeping for much of the night which is amazing. We also have a 5 week old who is doing 10pm-3am feeding and waking at about 6am....sleep is always over analysed in our house. i find going with the flow helps as there isn't as much tension and baby's do pick up on that. You will have evenings back in no time and it does get easier.....but life is never the same after having kids...

Lol, you dont know you are born! You are so lucky. My oldest son was awake between 6 am and 10 pm, and woke for feeding every three hours through out (9 months old he was when the night time feedings started to reduce). He did not nap in the day.....

That's what babies do.

Our evenings are still 'hijacked' (I don't see it as that, but there we go) and my little girl is 6 months old.

I think if you choose to have a baby, you have to expect this might happen for some time. I don't think it's strange and I sure as hell wont leave her to cry it out.

Sorry, but I think you have it made.

Not that I'd change anything about my daughter, because she is such a happy child. She's just teething at the moment and that upsets her a lot.

I'd just be happy that she can sleep that long, as my daughter doesn't yet. I'd also tell your partner he has unrealistic prospects. Why did he want a child? Didn't he realise it wasn't just a day job, or is he just shocked how much it takes up of his life?

I despair with some people. I don't mean to be rude, I just hate it when people complain and they really have nothing to complain about. I know I don't have anything to complain about and my daughter wakes up every 3/4 hours. So what? I love her and don't see it as her taking up my time. She's my daughter, I'm her Mum - that's to be expected.

RANT OVER :)

Good luck with your lovely little girl, OP :)

FWIW I have read your other posts and understand it's more your husband than you. But you really both need to see that you're pretty lucky. Chances are, in a month or so she'll be a bit more wakeful during the night as a lot of babies go through sleep regression (I know mine did).

I am with my parents at the moment and so is my partner. So it tends to be one of us holds my daughter half the time when it's dinner time. Or eats dinner later, when someone else has finished. It's not that she gets upset, but she'll rock and rock and nearly fall over, so we really need to supervise closely.

I second what a PP has said, too. Some people find baths wake them up. Or sometimes you just can't settle straight after a bath. Why not try moving the bath an hour earlier? At very least, she might settle at say 8 or 9, instead of 10 or 11.

And if she does start settling earlier like mine has you may just find your having to get up in the night instead. I much preferred the late settling to the waking in the night, even if I did feel like I never had any alone or me time

People in your baby groups are lying.

You have an excellent sleeper. My baby has only recently stopped waking every 2 hours at 13 weeks.

Sit her in her bouncy chair whilst you eat.

I'm sorry if I sound grouchy. But this is such a temporary phase, is so normal and you are genuinely very very lucky.

By god, my baby is 6 months and we still don't get evenings together and he's a crap sleeper. Can't even imagine going to cinema! Eeeee, some people don't know they're born ( if you will excuse the pun).

Should add we don't get evenings together as I need to go to bed when ds does as he wakes so often and has reflux so I need to hold him up after feeds,so I need to maximise my sleep. I am usually in bed between 7 and 8. You really need to accept babies change lives and thank your lucky stars for the blessing of an easybaby

Fairylea's advice is good but I would have said that from 16 weeks on if you are VERY lucky you could expect an earlier bedtime.
If your baby is napping late in the day, you are sabotaging an 7-8 bedtime

If your baby is not getting enough stimulation during the day, they won't be tired enough for the early bedtime.

You might not be lucky. 10-7 is good going though. Clap your DD1 on the back and thank your lucky stars

I don't think you have anything to complain about, frankly, unless she is crying and won't settle for long periods. Also CC is (1) for older babies and (2) for babies that can't settle on their own -- she obviously can if she can sleep 9 hours at a stretch.

It doesn't sound right to me to say a baby is "hijacking" or even "playing up" -- she isn't bothering you on purpose.

At that age, my younger DD needed to start sleeping at about 7 but she wouldn't go into her bed until nine. I needed to feed/hold her for those 2 hours. Once I felt her relax into her nighttime sleep I could swaddle her and lay her in her Moses basket downstairs and take her up with me when I went to bed.

It was easy once I figured this out -- I could plan to do things I could do while holding her (like eat dinner or read) and do things like housework afterwards. When they are tinier, it is a lot easier to just go with what they need.

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but what worked for us a mealtimes was one of those electric swings. You often get them second-hand as they're only useful for a few months but we used to refer to it as the mealtimes hands free kit.

My baby did go to bed from 7 from 6 weeks old but I am single so being able to cook and eat dinner was a big motivator. He then woke up every 3 hours until 6 months (and every hour at 4 months - ouch!). I have never left him to cry, just settled him and comforted him and breastfed him until he slept in the early days then put him down awake but drowsy once he was ready for that. First 6 weeks we co slept as he didn't want to sleep anywhere but on me, and I used the sling for his nap times as that was he only way he would sleep. Once he was happy to go into his crib, I moved him there and ditto into the pram for naps. Your baby is a much better sleeper than mine was and is obviously doing brilliantly. There is nothing wrong with wanting your evenings back and leaving them to cry is not the only way to achieve that. DS has slept through 7-630 since about 8 months, coincidently when I stopped breastfeeding. I think you do need to go with what they need but you can also shape that to a certain extent. Though obviously all babies are different!

If you can afford it get a Bloom highchair for your baby to sit in at the table. It's a terrible highchair but the baby setting was a godsend.

We had the same issue in what we called the witching/twilight hours between 7pm - 9/10pm and agree with other posters they are still so young, you can't expect to much from them, I had a similar situation with DH who wanted evenings back and he had a bit of a talking down from his MIL about expectations and what he was like as a baby ;-) in the end he went in his own room at 4 months in his cot but still the same problem between those hours but when he settled into his room at about 5 months we started to put into practise upstairs a little more but we stayed with him so were up there from about 7.30 -9? If he cried we held him but it was all in his room so he was used to the environment! Me and hubby rarely saw each other but now at 9 months his good as gold and will babble him self to sleep! He of course had times when all he wants to do is be held and we do it as I know my son and he's crying for a reason!

Another thing that helped was if you have any honest close friend do confined in them as when I did she had more horror stories & her hubby spoke about them with mine which really helped!

So I appreciate that's not overly helpful but I think what I'm trying to say is be patient it will happen but unfortunately you are now on baby time not and its when it suits them not you guys and appreciate the cuddles now as they soon won't want them anymore :-(

From the OPs most recent post it sounds like she has discovered for herself one of the most important sanity-keeping lessons for parents. That you can't change your baby/child, but you can change your own behaviour. If you react in a new way, you may find the problem feels a whole lot less overwhelming.

I wouldn't imagine all the people in her baby group are lying!

OP - what time is your baby's last nap? (before proper put down I mean?) We made sure it was no later than 4pm, so by 7pm she was shattered and fell asleep. Wind down started at 6pm, including bath, bottle etc and we do the same thing every night.

At 15 weeks, we were still waking her (or she was waking us!!) for a dream feed at 11pm, but we dropped this by 17/18 weeks. However, she was in her room 7pm onwards.

It is perfectly possibly for babies to sleep through.

OP - sounds like your little girl is doing pretty well. I wouldn't call it CC - awful description. But running to every little cry is pretty much being at the beck and call of your baby. Invest in a camera monitor so you can see and hear. Obviously go in if you hear an 'urgent' cry (you know when it's different) but otherwise go in and sooth every 6 mins or so. She will soon learn that it's ok, you are there, she's not alone etc etc and she will quickly self settle. Sorry. I am of the opinion it's much harder for the mum in this instance than the baby. BUT those who rush in every 2 mins will have babies who are still not sleeping through at 11 months. Shudder to the thought! Be tough for a few nights and you will reap the rewards! Happy baby and happy parents!

oceansurf I do not leave my baby to cry. He sleeps pretty much through now (for the moment!) at 14 weeks.

This is nothing but luck.

OP, your baby is too young for CC. Please, please don't do it.

Remember, this phase is short, and you have a baby that sleeps through the night. You will have your evenings back soon!

Hmm. People say it's luck! I don't think it's luck that most babies born to our Grandma's slept through and now a lot of mums say they are sleep deprived!

I also didn't my baby to cry - for any longer than 6 mins. She is happy, secure and contented and most importantly, is able to self settle.

I thank my old fashioned HV, my old school mum and my old school grandma for this fact!!! Not luck!

Oceansurf, I was at the beck and call of my baby (of course I was - he was a tiny baby!!) from the moment we got home from hospital. I didn't ever leave him to cry for longer than a couple of seconds. You would think that I was doomed? No. My ds has slept through from about 10 months consistently despite episodes of being poorly or teething. Before sleeping through (from 7-7 btw) he was only waking for one night feed for a couple of months.

I don't think you can be over attentive to a young baby. I think that responding to their needs when they are small helps them to feel secure. If they feel secure then they are able to move at their own pace towards sleeping through without any need for any kind of sleep training or "controlled" crying.

You can't pronounce that all people who respond immediately to their babies crying are going to have non-sleeping 11 month olds. It's not provable or backed up by any kind of evidence. And clearly not true in my case.

Ocean-our grandmothers used to lace bottles with brandy!

Babies under six month need to sleep in the same room as you, that includes naps and evening sleeping before you go to bed.