I'm childless but I'm interested in the opinion of you Mums (and non-Mums)

[Sandychick31]

I'm a 40 yr old childless woman - recently joined Facebook and got in touch with people I knew from childhood, and, unsurprisingly, given my age, many (if not most) have children of various ages. Chatted on fb with a bloke I'd known since the 80s, who had a boy aged about 1 or 2. Can't remember what exactly had led up to this but I said something like :

Oh that's so nice to have a young baby, it must be nice watching him develop every day (or something like that) - then I went on to say (and I don't know what this came from!!):

I suppose the most important thing/s with children is :
a) To be as matter of fact with them as the particular circumstances will possibly allow you to be and
b) To love them enough to let go

Although I've never had children nor been pregnant, for some reason I feel these 2 things would be very important when raising a child.

Also, when I'm looking after my friend's children and they are in the back for instance with a seat belt - I'll say to her 4 year old: Try and undo the belt yourself first, but let me know if you need help with it. I feel this approach builds a child's confidence, as it encourages them to try new tasks etc but also lets them take the initiative to ask if they need assistance - it encourages them to take initiative.

What do you who are already parents (or even if you aren't parents - but have an opinion on it) think ? - I'm interested to know.

Before I had my ds I had fairly straightforward beliefs about what having children would be like. What cannot be explained is how much more complex it is. Rationality can go completely out the window, replaced by a depth of feeling and emotion that I never thought possible. You learn about what is age appropriate behaviour and learning and adapt your approach accordingly. Yes it's important to teach them to do things for themselves, but at 3 years old my ds is only just beginning to understand that rules are there to keep him safe. I don't want him tampering with his seatbelt because he lacks the capacity at his age to properly understand that there are different rules for different situations and may try to undo his seatbelt while the car is in motion. I am matter of fact enough to explain that the reason why he must not unclip it is because it will keep him safe if we crash. He understands all of this but lacks the ability on occasion to rein in his impulses.

For me, the most important thing as a parent is to give them freedom to explore and enjoy their world but be prepared to provide them with a safety net. Encourage their strengths, help them develop their areas of weakness but love them just the same if those areas of weakness remain weak. Remember they are not a pet project, they are a little person in their own right with likes, dislikes and a unique character and it is your job to help them thrive. The most important thing is to raise them utterly unselfishly and unconditionally, provide boundaries that promote their feelings of safety and confidence and try to do most of the things you did pre children but be prepared to adapt your approach if necessary.

Sorry, but you did ask!

Thank you - and don't worry no need to apologise !! I totally agree - esp with everything you said in the last paragraph!

Trying to teach a child how to undo their car seat belt is at best naive and at worst foolish and neglectful. Small children are not small adults OP, they lack the ability for rational thought and cannot be persuaded by logic.

Try to undo your seatbelt, will be translated as have a go at this whenever you fancy. Clean your teeth or they will rot has no effect, but mr toothbrush eating up the peas left at the back with accompanying silly voice works wonders. They have no concept of time and everything is desperately important and has to be now.

Matter of fact, in the way of straight talking, mostly will get you nowhere. Age appropriate honesty, of course.
Love them enough to let go? We all hope to raise our kids to be independent, but I will always be there for them when they need me and want them to know that. So let go, yes, push out the door at 18, no.

Everyone has beliefs about how children should be raised. IMO unless asked or you witness child cruelty, you should keep those opinions to yourself, whether you have kids or not, but especially if you don't.

Your approach sounds good in general to me.

In practice most parents (including me) are very very careful about matters of safety or potential safety issues such as seatbelts. So I might be glad that a 4YO wasn't interested in trying to unclick the seatbelt.

Sandy - I think your comments are reasonable - if you take out the initial "The most important thing" - I don't agree that being matter of fact and love enough to let go are the most important things. Children are so individual that you soon learn that the 'most important thing' is different with each child.

Letting a four year old attempt to undo a seat belt is probably a waste of time as it requires finger strength many four year olds will lack, giving most children an impossible task is going to lessen not increase their confidence. Giving them autonomy over a task they are capable of is more helpful - I encourage my four year old to brush her own hair, find her clothes then dress her self, help make breakfast etc. etc. But even I struggle to do up her car seat belt!

Some people thrive on challenges, some need encouragement to get there - so maybe the most important thing apart from the obvious to give them love and security, is to take the time to find out who your children are and respond to them as individuals.

With friends and relatives children if I am spending time with them - I enjoy the fact I don't have to be a parent - I talk, play, have a laugh with them if I can - give them some cake - much more interesting.

Thank you for all your opinions! I acknowledge that the seat belt wasn't exactly the best example re: tasks etc - but it was the only example I could think of to illustrate what I meant.

And @ bigmouthstrikesagain - yes, in my comments above - I perhaps was overlooking the fact that as you mention in your first paragraph -
children are so individual - it's not 'one size fits all'.

I broadly agree with you altho the seatbelt example is probably not the best!

A friend of mine says the most important thing you can do as a parent is to make yourself redundant. While I think that's a bit extreme, I do think I want my LOs to reach adulthood with the ability to cope and thrive on their own in the big wide world, but to know there will always be unconditional love and support from me and DH whenever they need and want it.

I think you can have a philosophy but the daily grind renders most philosophies theoretical. My brother often assumes that if he had children they would be x, y, or z, as they appear out of nowhere, these strong characters with their own strong will, and their own tastes, opinions etc.. and you realise that whatever plan you had in mind for the type of people they were going to be, well that's all very well but they might not allow co-operate with your marvellous parenting ideas.

I think you sound very well intentioned and it is nice that you are taking an interest in your friends children but to be perfectly honest I don't particularly want pearls of wisdom from friends with children, let alone those without. Parenting is so completely full on that we all just do our best. Sometimes we get it bang on and sometimes we cock it up. Raising children isn't some simple Hallmark business.

Everyone has their own way of doing it best, because beyond the obvious need to provide a child with warmth, nutrition, safety and love, you can only parent best in the way that suits your own personality best.

As much as possible I facilitated Ds to teach himself - learn by his mistakes and successes through experience. I am not a rules and regs person and have lax discipline myself. I once caused consternation because in the middle of a plate of spag bol 3 yo DS spotted some choc buttons at the other end of the table and reached for them. I let him have two or three and then he happily went back to his spag bol. Many parents don't do it like that, they are much better at managing things differently - with equally successful / happy outcomes.

Obviously you cannot let a child learn by their successes and mistakes when road safety or fires etc are concerned - but if they learn to trust that when you say know it is because you are v experienced in 'consequences' and anyway, overall, when push comes to shove, no means no. Along with my general laxness, I never did degrees of 'please, Mummy might get a bit cross in a minute because...' (which some people do REALLY well as a negotiating tool - I watched a Mum manage her dd's behaviour happily an successfully in a shop yesterday by saying just that), I was straight in with 'No - and that's the end of it'.

Parents parent in accordance with the child, too.

No one way.

@rallytog1

What you have said in your post seems to me 100% spot on!!

vestknickers -

From my own childhood I can totally see where you're coming from, in particular:

"Sometimes….bang on and sometimes we cock it up"….

and Blu - from what you say - I like your attitude to parenting - and also - I'd have been so with you on the spag bol issue!!!!!