PARENTING!!

[Sandychick31]

Hi. I'm new to the board. I'm 40 and childless. Personally it doesn't interest me to join any sort of 'childless women' type group because from my experience I feel I get on equally with both parents and non-parents - it really depends on their respective personalities - and sometimes - and this comes from a childless, never been pregnant woman - sometimes child free people bore me to death - I can think of one Facebook friend in particular - the way she complains about babies and mothers and pregnant women I can't help thinking she protests too much!
HOWEVER, in my opinion, I personally believe that once we reach adulthood we are ALL parents in the broad sense - as we are all setting an example for the next generation. I've got a lateral take on life lol! I recently shared this opinion of mine with a woman who herself now has a son my age. On the face of it she seemed to agree with me.

Anyone else see my point of view?

By the way, I really would like my own children, so I am not child free. But I do still believe that we are ALL potentially parents in the broad sense. Sorry, I just thought I'd give you a more complete picture of where my mind is at, etc...

Sorry didn't mean to start a thread in caps (but I am new, lol!!!)

Couldn't agree more.

Thanks Melonbreath!! Nice to find someone on the same wavelength as me!!

Yea I agree. I was 31 when I had my first whereas all my siblings had theirs as teens.
I still felt like a 'parent' in that I looked after their children, set a good example and offered advice. Fair enough I didn't have the 1st hand experience they did, but I had life experience, and as a teacher I could offer a different slant on problems or issues they were facing. I think it's still the same now, now their children are in/approaching their teens and mine are still toddlers.

I hate it when people accusingly say, "Do you have kids? No? Then you don't know what you're talking about." It's just so patronising and takes no account of the life experience of non-parents.

I hope I'm making sense!

Ah @ mumofboyo - yes you are definitely making sense!! - I so agree with that last but one sentence as well. - 'It's just so patronising and takes no account of the life experience of non parents'!!

On a factual level, my family situation was different from yours in that unlike you - I am an only child so I admit had EXTREMELY limited first hand experience with even nephews and nieces - but did have some idea of nephews and nieces while I was with my ex boyfriend.

I wonder what you make of this then (lol!) - I say lol because the situation is far enough in the past for me to be able to see the 'sort of' funny side - I was working in an office at this time - and there was a story of a child cruelty case on the news. I, started talking about it while at work in the way people start any sort of general conversation in an office. She said "Oh yes … but oh it made me very sad but oh you wouldn't understand." This wasn't the first time she'd said this sort of thing and it almost then made me reluctant to open my mouth in case she'd somehow use another putdown against me!
She'd just come back after maternity leave at that time - so she had a baby aged about 10 months or so. Thing is, she didn't know me until I was 33 and started working with her - and she knew nothing about my lifestyle in my 20s - I mean I could have cared for children in some capacity or even had a child of my own and lost him/her. A comment like that in those circumstances would therefore be VERY painful for someone. OK I didn't, but the point is I'd never say an equivalent thing to another person, because I feel I should be respectful of their past, which I wasn't a part of.

I'd always felt with this woman (Tina, let's call her - NOT her real name) - that she was always slightly 'in awe' of the whole baby/pregnancy thing - i.e. she'd be totally OTT cooing about a baby - even if someone brought one in and it was right at the other end of the office! Because of what I felt was this 'OTT' attitude, even though she'd become a mum at 26, she came across to me at some level as a tad 'schoolgirlish' and at some (small) level I feel ever so slightly sorry for her (even though I don't like admitting this because I hate the idea of 'pitying' anyone). Anyone else know/n anyone like this?

I would have thought 'Tina' was rather short sighted and narrow minded! I'd have said something along the lines of, "Do you only develop a sense of compassion and empathy when you've had a child, then?" as it seems like that's what she was implying. As you said, noone knows your history until you decide to tell them. It does kind of show how wrapped up in her child's life she had become and yes, I agree, in some way it's almost pitiful (not a word I use but not sure what else fits!) because she has forgotten that people without children also have thoughts and opinions!

Yes and no. Yes in that I think all adults have the potential to influence and shape the next generation whether they are parents or not. But it does hack me off when childless people bang on about raising children because I believe that until you've had your own you simply cannot really understand what being a parent is like. I was surrounded by babies and children the entire time growing up (I have a sister 7 years younger and 33 cousins all younger) then I became a developmental psychologist working with children, then a primary teacher so I had about as much experience as possible going into parenthood. It certainly helped in terms of knowing how to wash/dress/burp/feed and change a baby but the emotional and mental side of it was a total and utter surprise. Pre children I felt I had a good understanding of parenthood and I did from a practical point of view but otherwise I was clueless.

Sorry posted too soon. What Tina said was rude dismissive and nasty. Of course you can understand a parent's anguish, maybe not on a personal level but on a human level. I only object to childless people being "experts" on parenting. I am always happy to accept advice from childless friends who are genuinely trying to be helpful. Everyone has a contribution to make but how they make it is important.

CallinDana, I think you're right in so far as until you've had children you cannot understand what having children of your own is like.

Hmm I don't know.

I certainly don't take the Tina view that parents somehow have a deeper emotional understanding. I don't think parents are in any way superior just for being parents, which Tina appears to think.

On the other hand, I don't think that just setting an example for the next generation makes you a parent. It makes you a responsible adult but not a parent. Nor does experience of looking after nieces and nephews etc.

Neither of those involve constant, total and unending responsibility for another person - I think this is the real change that happens when you become a parent and if you haven't had children you've probably never had that experience.

minipie -

I think you've made an interesting/good point about responsible adult and not 'parent' per se - I'm going to ponder that some more.

And by the way, yes, mini pie - you've 'hit the nail', as it were, Tina did think parents were superior and appeared (my interpretation) to be slightly 'in awe' of them - which caused me to think (perhaps unkindly? =
slight 'schoolgirl' attitude/behaviour?

I wouldn't say schoolgirl ish but I would say a bit tunnel vision-y. Some people are a bit baby obsessed.

I would worry that Tina would expect far too much of herself and end up very stressed. Parents have different experiences to non-parents but that in no way makes them better people.

Well... no, if you don't have a child then you are not a parent. Fact.

No need for people to be rude and dismissive about it though. Just as there is no need for adults who don't have children to impose their opinions about child-rearing on those who do. Live and let live.

I agree in some ways and think it's a great way to think about things. Accepting that you and your behaviour can affect the next generation even if you are not directly responsible for them is a very altruistic way of looking at things.
Being a parent is a bit different. It is a very specific responsibility for 1 or more particular individuals.
I think it is difficult to truly know what it means to be parent until you are one. That doesn't mean your opinions are not valid but you have to accept that until you are a parent you never really know how you would react in a given situation. A newborn baby can turn the most sensible person into a blubbering mess!

Thanks @Smartiepants79 - I basically agree with everything you said.

Based on what several people have said - 'it's difficult to truly know what being a parent means until you are one' - another question occurred to me. Hypothetical situation - if you are a parent of a completely healthy normal child with no mental nor physical issues at all - would it also be correct say for the parent of a special needs child to say to you - ' you don't know what it's like to have a special needs child until you have one'- OR would the fact that you're both technically parents make this situation slightly different to a parent/non-parent situation? I'm interested to know people's opinions.

Yes. I think you're right in regards to Special needs/disabled children. You just have a completely different experience. Some things remain the same but you encounter different situations and have to deal with them differently.

I think it's also fair to say I only know how to handle MY baby. I tried looking after a friend's for a couple of hours, I was lost at sea!

I have to say tho, as a teacher there are areas of child development/care that I do feel able to give advice on. My children a re only very little but I have a lot of experience and training.
Of course it is up to the parents to take or ignore it!
Same would go for say foster carers who have no children of their own but have cared for many kids over the years.

Thanks for all your responses guys, they gave me an interesting insight. Also, Smartiepants79, I can see that if someone's got experience in a professional capacity, this can go a long way.

Sometimes input and advice from outside the situation can be very valuable. Parenting is very emotive and almost primitive. It can invoke some extremely irrational behaviours!

Yes I can imagine!!