How could we have handled this morning better?

[Bet01]

DS is 2.6. He's a wonderful, affectionate, bright boy. But has the iron will of a very stubborn donkey. He's still quite a way off sleeping through, but that's a different thread...
Anyway, DP and I mostly use the 'ignore bad behaviour, reward good' school of thought, and although DS has his moments I think we do pretty well. This morning though it all went rather to pieces and I think DP and I both struggled with what to do. Any advice would be welcome:
At kitchen counter, DS helping DP get his weetabix ready. DS gets to pour the milk on, then we asked him to carry it into the lounge. DS sulky, he wanted to close the microwave door but was fannying about so DP said 'you've had long enough now, lets go'. DS does his standard flop to the floor and lies there. He doesn't tend to scream and shout, just flops down. We ignore him and walk off, he comes running 'sorry sorry please can I have weetabix now'. We sit him at the table, he hurts his toe on the table leg. Cries, has a hug, start again. Weetabix is scowled at. 'Please can I have two Dadda?' DP says 'ok but no more'. Extra Weetabix delivered. More bowl-scowling. We ignore. 'You need to start eating DS or we'll be late. If you don't want it that's fine.' More non-Weetabix eating. Bowl removed. Socks and shoes put on. ''Can I have my weetabix?' 'No DS, it's gone now, you didn't want it'. Meltdown ensues. By now we're running really late so I said 'you can have some toast on the way'. Attempt to get DS into coat, met with flailing and hitting. DS is bundled into buggy and out of the door. Grumpy all the way to the childminders.
DP and I didn't raise our voice to him. We've tried shouting more firmly at him and all it does is make him shout back using the same phrases (not good).
We just felt a bit depressed and sad that he's so angry/aggressive sometimes, and I'm sure we could have diffused it. But how? I realise he's a very typical toddler but he's an only child and I want to learn how to deal with him better because I don't want to raise a mini tyrant...
Help?

I am not sure you could have handled it much better, you explained what would happen if he didn't eat it and you followed the consequences through. Hopefully he will learn his lesson for tomorrow.

I am not sure of the timings of all this, do you need to get up earlier to allow a bit longer for breakfast?

A lot depends on your mood IMO. So in a good mood, I'd have let him shut the door and would have made a joke (eg pretend to be a monster gobbling his weetabix) to get him to eat. I wouldn't let him carry the cereal - too slow!

On a bad day it would've been like yours

He sounds like a typical 2 year old, so dont worry about raising a mini tyrant

Aw sounds stressful. It does wear you down.

I would say though, of the two year olds I know he sounds pretty mild mannered from that scenario. I was expecting Weetabix to go flying, screaming, kicking, biting, and general hysteria. I really wouldn't worry about him turning into a tyrant, it just sounds like testing boundaries.

You both sound very kind and calm in dealing with it and I wouldn't change that. As you say he models your behaviour if you shout, so he'll be taking on board your calmness even if it's not obvious.

Keep going - these tantrums will stop (then something else will start, beauty of parenting )

Also other tactics to employ- using the illusion of choice, both of which end up in the result you want. So getting coats on - offer two choices of coat or you/DP do it, or coat first or shoes first. Use a really chirpy voice. Try and make jokes eg mummy will put the coat on etc. it gives him a sense of control, you get what you want (coat on) and job done.

You do definitely need to give yourself more time though.

"Attempt to get DS into coat, met with flailing and hitting."

I think it all sounds typical, but whilst the "ignore bad behaviour" strategy can work very well, we draw the line very sharpish when it comes to hitting.

If you're canvassing opinions, I think we would've done pretty much the same as you up until the hitting - DD doesn't hit yet but we have zero tolerance when it comes to rude/aggressive behaviour.

Having said that, I don't think it sounds like you're raising a tyrant at all

"sorry sorry please can I have weetabix now" - I was very impressed with this part of your post! Mine would have probably finished the tantrum eventually and got distracted by a bit of fluff or something!
Mine doesn't like soggy weetabix so we put milk on at the table, would that work?

He sounds completely normal and rather lovely, you sound like you are doing fine. My DD was similar at that age and it is wearing.

What others said - I would have tried to make a game of it, or a competition. So with the coat, I would have tried to make him laugh by putting it on myself or on his legs.

I always comforted myself with the thought that DD wouldn't be a push over when she's older.

Thanks for all your lovely replies and sorry for the late response. Got embroiled at work. Rude!
I don't think he's that bad for his age really, but he does hit. And I agree that's the bad bit. He gets time out for that, but I'm not sure it's helping.
It's also very clear now that we don't allow enough time. We get up at 6.30am and leave him sleep until 7am. Then we leave at 7.35am. He has 35 mins from awake to out the door. This opens a big can of worms really because he still doesn't sleep through and so is always tired. And doesn't nap. So has between 10 and 12 hours total sleep in 24. This is why when he's snoring away at 6.30am I leave him. Maybe we need to tackle the sleep. He still wakes I'd say on average twice a night. I'm surprised we're still sane really.

That sounds fine and totally normal to me. He was probably grumpy because he was hungry - I'd prioritise eating over anything else at that time of the morning if possible. Obviously there's not much you can do if you provide the food and they refuse to eat! But perhaps building in more time for this and not getting caught up in games etc beforehand.

Also sometimes making food the first thing before getting dressed - first because they have more motivation to do that quickly, secondly because if they spill breakfast down themselves it's only on their pyjamas.

For hitting at that age we had success with redirection ie saying you can hit the sofa cushions but not people.

Sounds pretty normal to me! Can't he have breakfast at childminders, to save time in the mornings?

What time is bedtime?

When does he hit? Can you avoid it happening in the first place? (easier said than done I know)

Hmm maybe he could have his breakfast at the childminders. And maybe a snack for the walk up, like a cup of dry cereal and some milk to drink? It's a ten minute walk so he'd have time to eat. Good idea, thanks.

creature bedtime is about 7pm, asleep by 7.30pm. He hits when he's cross. Doesn't have to be really hysterical or anything, just a bit cross. It's hard to avoid the situations, they're just everyday things. I'm hoping its a phase!

Everything you did sounds spot on. One thing that might help is to reward him for good listening (ie doing what he's told without fuss). The reward could just be praise if that works or maybe a sticker chart if you think he would respond to that. Also I find that if I name the behaviour and then ignore it helps my ds to stop that behaviour over time. So in your scenario I would say "lying on the floor won't help," then walk away.

Without giving in or going back on your word try your very best to avoid conflict when he's tired or hungry. Ime sma children simply cannot be reasonable when tired/hungry.

Thanks. I did wonder about reward charts. Maybe it's time for one....

Sounds like you're doing really well. Agree with much of the above especially that tired hungry boys are the devil!

On an ideal day the only things I'd have done differently would be to perhaps say "yes of course, as soon as you've eaten that one" in response to more weetabix request, and I'd have used a sand timer to race to finish getting ready.
I also let ds have a bit of beebies as reward when breakfasted and ready to go.

I think half an hour will make him feel v rushed. He has no concept if time. From his POV why should he care if he's late out of the door?

Maybe milk at home and bfast at childminder would be best.

Ds behaviour so much worse if tired. Yes i would def work on his sleep.

Hitting is one of the big no nos here too. I do a time out then i just say hitting isn't kind, you hurt mummy and that made me sad. He's a good boy and hates upsetting me so these are hard words for him. I almost always get a proper apology. IME the better their language gets the better the behaviour. Name their feelings when you can, i can see you're cross/frustrated/upset about that...so they learn asap.

Massive congrats on keeping your cool!

I honestly wouldn't bother. Your biggest issue is the hitting, which I suspect is tiredness and frustration so he lashes out. Ds has hitting phases and we tell him to hit a pillow or once he gets wound up, try and distract or cuddle or whatever to calm him down.

This sounds like a typical morning for us! Sounds like you did everything right. Reward good behaviour and ignore ignore ignore the boundary posting.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the advice. He has a cold and is not doubt feeling rough which isn't going to help. I think tomorrow I'll make him a packed breakfast for the way up to CMs and see if that de-stresses things.

I was going to suggest a breakfast at the CMs too. I similarly get our 19mo out of the house so quickly and she just has a big drink of warm milk and some banana and that gets her through until half an hour or so later when she has a proper breakfast at the CMs. We also stick to this on days she's not with the CM so that drink and then a slightly later breakfast is her normal routine.

I read this last night, thought that it sounded as though everything you did (and your son for that matter!) was completely normal but came back this morning to suggest breakfast at the CM and I now see others have already done that. DD has always been dropped off at nursery at 8am and had breakfast there and most of the time that has been fine but there will be the odd day (or even, a while back, a whole month) where she was obviously peckish before we left so she'd have some cheerios and raisins in a bowl which she'd either eat in our bed whilst we were getting ready or have in her pushchair on the way to nursery.
The other thing I'd say is I wouldn't bother getting your son up earlier as it sounds as though you already have enough flexibility in your schedule to deal with one issue a day, the problem was when there were several - and we all have those mornings! When I was on mat leave with DC2, I started dropping DD off later as I thought it would be easier but it was actually harder as it meant she had some spare time in the morning and pulling her away from her picture or mega bloks or whatever was a nightmare. I think its also easier for the children if they just know that mornings are about getting ready and going so up, breakfast, dressed, teeth, shoes, go. DD is 3.10 and can't tell the time now but for over a year now she knows that we have to have reached X stage of getting ready by the time the big hand is on the 6 (so half seven) and Y stage by the time its on the 9 - this doesn't just apply to her but to me, DP and DC2 too.
I reward chart may work for him in the mornings or something like a sticker as he's going out of the door if he's done A, B & C without a fuss. Ever since she turned 3, DD gets a "strawberry sweet" (a chewy vitamin in the shape of a strawberry) if she's done everything she needs to.
Fussing & nagging DD don't work. What does is having a getting dressed race with me each morning, seeing if she's a big enough girl to get her shoes on by herself etc.
We've also had the hitting and stamping although much less so now she's older. If we were at home, it was always a non-negotiable and it was straight to her bedroom. If we were out, it was harder but I'd try and restrict something fairly immediate so there was some form of punishment. I'd also try and get some food into her asap, limit the running around and give her a bit of choice as to what we did as I knew she was much more likely to do it if she was hungry, tired and/or frustrated. Now, we're more likely to get an incident of her going "no, mummy, I will not do that. You have done too much bossing today and now its my turn". On reflection, I've realised that I'm much more likely to hear that on days when its been me constantly going "do this now; now this; then this" and have never taken the time to say "we've got to do hair & teeth before we go; which one do you want to do first" or asked her which shoes she wants to wear or something which makes her feel as though she has an element of control.