If YOU are an only child, was it/ is it okay?

[magicturnip]

I have one ds aged 6 months who I am struggling to get to take a bottle. I am 40 years old. I am seeing my chances of having another child fade away. It is looking like I won't even get to start trying till I am 41 and I have pcos. So this is my question, if YOU are an only child, how is it? Was it okay as a child and is it okay as an adult? And were you part of a wider extended family? My ds isn't and is very unlikely to have any cousins, and even if he did they would be hundreds of miles away. I am worried about him being lonely. I think social connectedness is the most important thing in the world and I am worried for him.

Thanks again everyone. Mrs horatio I too am struck by how parental attitudes and behaviour seem to be key to the experiences of children. That is something for me to keep at the forefront of my awareness!

Fine as a child, no issues whatsoever! However as an Adult with older parents, I do feel the pressure so to speak. Totally depends on individual relationships though, but can feel very guilty for moving 100s of miles away, not being 'close' etc....

Both DH and I are onlies.

Lovely childhoods, very positive, felt much loved, lots of time, attention and friends. Meanwhile my cousins were tearing lumps out of each other constantly!

The only time I wished for a sibling is when my dad was seriously ill & my mum got quite intense. It would have been nice to share the worry, but if I'd had a sibling, who knows if they'd have shown up to the party?

We'd have an only child (currently brewing DC1 and seeing how it goes ) so it can't be that bad.

Families are different.

One child in a family where the parents are a good team is great.

One child who was an 'accident' so the parents got married and grimly stick together because of the child is not great.

Even in a large family, it is often one child who gets the task of looking after elderly parents - ok so maybe siblings give emotional and financial support but still, if you are the one doing the shopping, cleaning, hospital visits, executor duties...

I have loads of siblings and they are pretty rubbish at keeping in touch (as am I, so its not all them). Mum was an only, dad was from a large family. On DSs birthday one sibling on my side remembered and another sibling (no kids, not a lot of interest in them either) gave him a small girls toy (a big thing when you are 8!). Another sibling, when we met up, asked when the birthday was (2 months before) and popped some money into my hand (he's a lovely guy but that's just the way he is).

DS is an only child (for a number of reasons but I would have loved to have more) and I just thank God for a healthy, happy son. Why mooch for what you can't have?

I've asked most only children (can we change that expression 'only' implies that the child is just not enough) and no one has ever told me that they wished it was otherwise. Its like someone asking me if I would have preferred fewer siblings.

I'm an only and I wish desparately that I wasn't. It wasn't a matter of choice for my parents - they couldn't have any more children - but the reality for me, growing up with much older parents and no siblings was not great.

My father died when I was 17 and my mother is now in her mid-70s, with the start of dementia. I have no-one to share the burden with, no-one to talk to about it (obviously friends are around, but no siblings to discuss things with). It's stressful, worrying and isolating.

Similarly, growing up, all expectations and focus was on me. There was no-one to 'take my side' or deflect attention.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. Having said all that, though, I don't think that having more than one child necessarily solves all the issues. There's no guarantee that all your children will share equally in your care as you age, or support each other.

I am an only child. It was my parent's choice and therefore something that everyone always fel positive about when I was a child. There was no sense of regret.

From about 4 to 8 my cousins lived near us, but the rest of my childhood, they were 100s of miles away.

I was never lonely. My mother always had time for me and I was fantastic at entertaining myself. My only cautionary word is that I think I became very introverted as a child (and happily so). I think if I had an only child, I would make sure that they did not spend too much time in their own head to ensure that they knew how to get on with other people.

My children have several only children as friends. I would say that the happiest are those who regularly do things away from their parents with their peer groups. They are very happy. I know a few who have become their mother's best friend and I am not sure how well I think that works.

I hated being an only child when I was younger and that feeling has never changed. Perhaps it was something to do with my parents' attitude, who knows. But I certainly grew up with a feeling of being the perpetual outsider, the plus one, and I don't feel I have the same level of social competence as friends with siblings. My parents overprotected me horribly, and as a result I moved abroad at 21 and stayed there for good.

My mum died last year, twenty years after my dad. I had to do the entire funeral, formalities and flat clearance myself in a matter of days. It was horrendous. Sure, if you have siblings there is a danger that you'll be in the same position if they refuse to step up to the mark - but if you're an only you know you'll always have that to face. Alone. It terrified me for years, and was as bad as I'd feared. Now I have no parents and no siblings and it's like my entire childhood has disappeared. What keeps me going is a great connection to DH and two fantastic kids of my own.

There's a real thing on MN that you're not allowed to mention being miserable as an only child, because this is somehow criticising other people's decisions. But my feelings are as valid as anybody else's - some people clearly loved growing up as onlies, others like me didn't.

Generally speaking, of course it's totally up to you if you have one child (and of course for many people it's not a choice), but you can do a lot to make that child's life easier. Sadly, many of the things mentioned below are things I'm still seeing among certain only children now.

• Obviously give them as much contact to other kids as poss - out playing, sports clubs, social events, take a friend on holiday
• Seriously don't overprotect - indulge in some benign neglect. Let them grow and go!
• People here talk about PFB syndrome. I seriously think a (small) subsection of 'only' parents never get away from PFBing and honestly think their DC is perfect. This is not a healthy state for any child to grow up with. Try to be realistic about your DC's strengths and weaknesses. [NB plenty of 'only' parents manage to not fall into this trap, so it's entirely doable].
• Give your DC plenty of practice in not always coming first (this might seem obvious to you but my mother used to let me win at stuff - not good).
• Do everything you can to reduce the amount of work your DC will have when you're older. Make clear plans, arrange for decent care, don't fight the inevitable (and insist that you can continue living alone when you're too ill to do so), downsize your house and furniture. Your DC will be doing the work of several siblings alone after you die, so show you love them by helping in the process.
• Acknowledge your DC's feelings, and accept that they might end up feeling a bit sad about this (or maybe they'll love it all!). DC feel sad about all sort of things that can't be helped! DD2 feels a bit sad that she doesn't have a little brother, it's something we all have to live with. Acknowledging their feelings does not mean you feel guilt about the situation. It's about making the best of what you have and learning to be happy with each other, surely.

A flip side reply from a non only : I have a sister, but we didn't play together as children - instead we fought, a LOT - and aren't very close now (very different personalities and interests and we still manage to rub each other up the wrong way whenever we are together). I don't know how much help she would be if our parents needed care either. So, please don't assume that having a sibling is always a huge benefit to your existing child - it might be or it might not, it just depends on how they turn out.

I'm the only DD of an only DD and have an only DS! So three stories. Apologies for long post!

My mother loved being an only, was social and extremely close to her mother (who had decided with her DH to have only one for financial reasons - this was the early 1930s depression) and never moved away.

I loved being an only for completely different reasons - I think that if I'd been born today I'd have a dx of mild Asperger's but back then I was just the precocious antisocial child who preferred reading to playing with others. I was very self-sufficient and as long as I had my books and nobody was bothering me, I was happy.

I didn't like it as much when in my 20s though - Mum's pressure on me to find a man and marry and have children got really unbearable when I wasn't in the slightest bit interested until I got my qualifications, and there were a lot of arguments along the lines of, "If you wanted grandchildren that badly then why the hell didn't you have more children then?"

The message took years to get across and by the time I married (37) and had DS (at 40) she'd given up hope so was rather surprised .

DS is wonderful and social and loves playing and isn't nearly as bookish as me (though isn't bad for a boy!) and is doing really well. We had a few questions on why hasn't he got a brother/sister which we answered simply (I'm too old and was too ill with him (had HG)) and also that we wanted to give him the best we could. He hasn't asked in a long time, but I have promised him I will never never pressure him to be anything he doesn't want to be, and we will help him to be what he does want to be (assuming legal! ).

DH has a sister. They don't get on. At all. So he's fine with DS being an only!

On care, I am fortunate that both mum and dad are still around. Mum is disabled after having just about every nasty ailment going (cancer, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid problems), and they are both in their early 80s. So far have only had to drop everything and run up there once, when dad ended up in hospital and mum needed a carer. After that, we got SS in to help her morning and evening to take pressure off dad, and they got a cleaner using some of his carer's allowance, so things rapidly improved and if/when there's another emergency with dad, then she can be whipped into respite ASAP. Not as easy to drop and run now DS is at school! But there's always that worry that sooner or later one of them is going to be left on their own... don't want to go there. Not yet.

I'm an only so is my DH and our DS will be an only too.
It has honestly never bothered me, I loved being the centre of my parents attention - we felt like a tight little triangle of 3. My Mum and Dad were quite pro-active about helping me make friends and used to do things like taking my cousin on holiday with us sometimes which was great.
Being an only is fine ...

I was an only and my father died when I was v young so I was an only with a single parent. I was close to my mother and she was positive about my only-ness but I hated it. As a child I longed for playmates. My mum did her best to host play dates etc but I wanted someone around at bedtime, on the days mum was ill, at breakfast etc. In my early 20s my mum got cancer, I nursed her alone and would have done anything for a sibling. Since mum died I have felt very alone with my children as my only blood ties. I would love a sibling to share memories with.

I have three kids. It's hard given I am used to quiet but I had three so they could have one another.

Mum was an only, dad was from a large family. Both wanted lots of kids.

I don't think that one is 'better' than the other. Mum was constantly ill, exhausted and grumpy, while dad worked 7 days a week (he had his own business but did enjoy his work). I was bullied by the lot of them (the swines) and nobody stopped them (easier to yell "stop it - ALL of you!" Than take time to get to the bottom of things). My elder siblings. Were teens when I was born so I got very little attention or affection as a child. There are no photos of me. I am shy and find making friends difficult. I never got to go to the clubs or sports activities (even though I was pretty good at one and invited to join the national training squads).

I look at my little one. He has love, affection and attention. We spend time and money on him and he is a happy and confident kid. And we have a zillion photos of him from the minute he was born.

My best friend is an only, she has one child and is not planning any more. She really liked her childhood and knows it will be fine for her child.

My Dad was an only child and he is a bully, a total narc and flies into rages if he doesn't get his way. His mother used to blame herself.

Sorry.

I am an only. My dad was one of three, and my mum was one of ten (though only seven of those ten survived into adulthood). My extended family is therefore enormous! I have two DSs of my own. My DH is one of three, and would really like another.

I had a very happy childhood as an only. I had lots of friends and lots of interests. I would do a club or group of some sort every night during term time, and an activity every saturday afternoon too. My parents were essentially taxi services when I was between 7 and 15 to get me and my friends to and from all of these activities. Friends were always welcome round at our house, and my parents went all out in that respect.

I have about 20 cousins and about the same number of second cousins (or whatever it is that you call your cousins' children). There was always a birthday party or celebration going on, and we often did day trips out with cousins, sometimes went on breaks together, and always met up at Christmas. Everyone lived within a 10 mile radious of each other.

I have now moved 250 miles away from my side of the family, though we are close (geographically) to DH's side of the family. I miss my extended family like mad, but that's not the point of my reply.

I had a wonderful childhood. I loved being an only, as I could choose to have limitless company, or choose to have quieter time. I never ever felt that I would have liked a sibling. I still don't. I feel completely secure and happy. Much as I loved my cousins and aunts and uncles, I also really valued my friendships. Whenever I meet new people, they cannot believe that I am an only. I clearly don't fall into the stereotype that they expect.

I would have been very happy having an only of my own too, but DH really really wanted a second child. It took until DS1 was 4yo for us to have another one, and of course, I wouldn't be without DS2 for anything in the world. But I wouldn't have had anotehr if DH hadn't pushed for one. I loved my own family being a family with an only too.

Now, as I am older, and my parents are older, I do wonder what will happen as their health deteriorates, which it inevitably will, even though they are in decent health now. But that's not because I'm an only, I don't think. Its because I live 250 miles away from them and can't move closer to them without DH and I abandonong our careers (our jobs simply don't exist where my parents live).

Bit of an epic post. Sorry. Hope it helps you OP.

Some families are just screwey. Doesn't matter how many kids there are.

One sibling has some kids from the first marriage and one from the second. The youngest is a lovely, sweet kid but was bullied lilke mad by the older kids. She is so gentle and they are both spoiled and very opinionated. And no, they don't 'deep down love each other and would pull together in an emergency'.

I find that often the eldest children are a bit spolied and bossy - my dad always said 'you make your mistakes with the first!'.

Nothing to add really except to say I'm another only who wishes I wasn't.. I had lots of love and attention as a child but feel quite envious of those who have a close relationship with a sibling. Of course there's no guarantee they'll get on, but there's a decent chance they will be lifelong friends and support for each other and I would have loved to have had that. C'est la vie.

You can have one of mine, I'm not especially close to any of them. It's really really NOT like The Waltons.

Even if you live far away when you grow up, I think having siblings during childhood is wonderful. I had none, and always thought it was great and that I didn't miss anything. When I see my DCs' sibling relationship,I see that I did. Yes, even when they are hitting each other and fighting over something.

Wow, thanks everyone, especially to those who have kindly taken the time to write long posts about your personal experiences. Lots for me and dh to read and talk over.

Not an "only" but as my sister has moved abroad I'm shouldering the load of parental ill health in their 80's 90mins each way from where I live and work.

It has been pretty sh*tty at times this year.

(worse when I found out in retrospect her DP was in the country, nearer to them than I was and could have done some radiotherapy runs ("but it's not his parent") That was a real kick in the teeth. They are still the golden family though as when they visit they stay over and it's all a " proper holiday" rather than juggling all the time.

You didn't want to hear that, sorry.

To be honest, when your parents are dying or fading, it's your other half who picks up the pieces.

I'm an only and had a very unhappy childhood, but that's 99% down to the fact my parents are messed up and unhappy. My mother is an unbelievable nightmare and the effects of an abusive childhood are still difficult for me.

As I grow older, I feel more longing for a sibling. Partly because of practicalities - I dread dealing with my parents by myself as they get older. That said, I have helped DH (also an only child) deal with ageing relatives already and we both know we would do anything to help the other one with family issues. An x boyfriend (ALSO an only) and I also had a pact that we would always give each other sibling-level support with parental issues.

The main reason is that I would just love for there to be ONE other person in the world who truly undestood first hand what my childhood was like. Not really a good reason!

Third reason is that I am only child of two only children so NO extended family at all. Think that magnifies any possible 'negatives' of being an only.

In a happy family, I think being an only is a total non-issue. Know many onlies who had very very happy childhoods and very happy families to this day. No issues at all. No desire for siblings.

I'm an only child and had a damn miserable childhood. But I can see now that it was NOTHING to do with being an only child per se, but to do with bad, selfish, immature parents. So even given my unhappy childhood - would I have one child myself ? Hell YES!!! - my unhappiness was nothing to do with me being an only, imo, but the general unhealthy environment in which I was raised. If I had 1 child, I feel I'd be more supportive than my parents were to me, and I would hope they'd have a happier childhood.
However, this is coming from an only child, I feel it's a myth that only children want company etc all the time so parents should stop forcing only children to socialise - it just makes them feel (or made me feel) uncomfortable. As an only child, what I craved most in the world was space to just be myself.

P.S. From my own experience, about 5 people I've seen really struggle with adult life have actually all got siblings - only children seem to be doing OK - Ok, they may not be chairmen of multinational companies for example, but they seem to be balanced and happy.