being a good girl

[sproutpudding]

My DD is now 3 and a half. In the beginning, I was always careful to praise her behaviour and call that good, rather than labelling her a 'good girl', because I don't feel this label has been helpful to me. However, 'good girl' does leap automatically to my lips, and in about the last nine months or so I have been using it more and more. Recently she's started asking me anxiously if she's a 'good girl' and if she does something naughty she may cry and say she isn't a 'good girl'.

I am now trying my very best to change my behaviour. But is there anything else I can do to undo the harm I've already done?

Thank you for your kind reply QTPie. I'm not explaining very well, am I?

The problem is that she is beginning to see herself as EITHER a good girl OR a naughty girl, not a person who has done a good or naughty action. So if she's naughty, she can't be a 'good girl' any more because good girls are ALWAYS good. Therefore, when I say (even very gently) that she shouldn't do something, she doesn't react by saying she won't do it again but by saying she's 'not a good girl' and crying. While of course I want her to do 'good' actions, I don't want her to identify herself as a good girl, who must always be good or somehow be a failure.

On the other hand, as you say, there may be no problem. In fact, I may be a neurotic, over-anxious parent who is projecting onto her entirely normally behaved three-year-old. Since there hasn't been a reaction of screaming horror to my original post, this may very well be true. So, thank you QTPie for a dose of common sense. I will be more careful with what I say to DD though.

I get this a bit with DS 3.3. They're so black and white at that age. I tend to reply with "you will always be my good boy, my best boy, you just did something you shouldn't. It's ok to be sorry and carry on. I love you". He seems to be slowly separating the 2 in his mind. And yes I try to comment on behaviour too, but sometimes "oh what a good boy" does pop out.

I don't see a problem either. I've always used good girl and good boy with my kids.

HP, I'm glad it's not just me/us. I really like your reply, I am definitely going to use that with DD.

I should probably read some more about child psychology too.

Thank you so much!

Oh good, madlizzy, that means that I haven't inflicted irreparable psychological damage on DD! Thank you for the reassurance.

I've thought worried a lot about this with DD (3.10) over the past few months as she was always asking if she was good or naughty. My realisation was, first, that she does actually have to learn what is good behaviour and what isn't and that her asking the question was part of the learning process. We've also introduced a few more adjectives so things aren't just good or bad. For example, not running in a car park isn't "good" but "sensible"; washing hands before meals isn't good but "responsible"; having an apple as a snack is "healthy"; sharing toys is "kind"; getting something for me whilst I'm bfing DC2 is "helpful". I think all of this is instilling "good" behaviour but means that DD is less fixated on the word. Also, if she does something which I haven't previously told her not to do, the she wasn't naughty as she didn't know she wasn't allowed to/shouldn't do X but she will know that now.

Good girl and good boy always make me think "good dog".

I also think there's something very annoying about people talking like they have just read the latest parenting book, ie "You are not a bad person, but that was a bad thing to do", which I overheard in the park (when one child grabbed anther child's juice and threw it on the ground). This kind of talking seems phoney and unnatural to me, though I am sure it doesn't hurt the children.

Yes yes, coveredinweetabix, using more adjectives is a great idea. It does seem to be the case that they are exploring what these words really mean. Thank you!

I agree claraschu, that line doesn't sound terribly natural, does it? I suppose that we're all so aware of how powerful words can be, we can get a bit tied up in knots. I can't see myself trotting out something like that, but the philosophy behind it is one that appeals to me - focus on the action, not the identity.

Anyway, thanks to all of these kind responses I am feeling less like an evil person and have some better ways of dealing with it.

I still use good boy or good girl with my teenagers, but these days it's more tongue in cheek and I pat them on the head at the same time. It's part of our being daft with each other.